Tuesday, December 29, 2009

New Year 2010: Arrivederci and a Shredder

While the Times Square Alliance set up an industrial shredder for ‘Good Riddance Day,’ so that people could shred bad memories of 2009 and start out fresh in 2010, in New York City; The Community of South Philadelphia set one up out in front of Mama Mia’s at the Italian Market.

As a just-in-case strategy maneuver (if the shredder breaks down), Louie “The Lug” and Nicki “Three Fingers” placed a sledge hammer and torch nearby. Hundreds of participants are expected over the next few days, ending at midnight Thursday.

My friend Annette Giordano, who owns Mama Mia’s, called and asked me to find out what the folks are shredding. I showed up wearing my “Rosie’s” press badge.

Annette is also writing a book, “The Buck She’s a Stop Here.” Annette has never heard of President Harry S. Truman, she thinks it means money and the “Where’s George?” tracking system. She has paid Vinnie “The Stump” to use his good hand to go online and put "Mama Mia’s" as the starting point on all of her dollar bills. She drools when she sees a strange one with “Where’s George?” in the register. Annette figures it’s good business.

A notebook is sitting by the front door of Mama Mia’s. People are ripping paper out of it to write down their shredible memories of 2009. I walk over to Vito Giordano, who just used the shredder.

“Vito, what did you write down?” I asked.

“Hey, I can’t tella you.” He said. “It’s like a chicken wisha bone.”

“Vito, you weren’t supposed to make a wish. What did you write?”

“I wisha the Yankees would die,” he said.

“Vito!” I responded. “That’s not right. It will bring you bad luck.”

“No,” he smiled, “I lose $5,000 business when dey beata da Phillies. Annette shes already giv 'em da evil eye.”

Next, I spotted a young couple laughing as they shred.

“What memory did you just destroy?” I asked.

The man spoke up. “Three months ago, our landlord gave us an eviction notice, we were down to $20 in our savings account and couldn’t afford a car. Last month, we hit the lottery for $100,000 and just got the check. I said goodbye to abject poverty and public transportation,” he laughed.

Some of the other responses included:

“I found out that my son was paying kids to do his homework. I shredded his allowance.”

“I got a new job and shredded my old boss.”

“My old New Year’s resolutions.”

“My ex-boyfriend and his pitbull, the snot-eyed bumdwarf.”

“I just torched my old Timex. It was making me late for work. Now, I have to go buy a new watch.”

My friend, “The Paisano,” (no one knows his real name), is taking a nap in the local park. He has not yet stopped by Mama Mia’s. I believe he is more Amish than Italian by nature, as he does not use modern conveniences and travels only by donkey.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Winter Solstice: Hunkering Down in Philadelphia

Folks in the Philadelphia area had a great white Christmas this year; about 23 inches of the white stuff engulfed our neighborhood last week. It also engulfed our cars, pets, and driveways.

Our daughter and four of our grandchildren live with us, so we are in charge while she is working.

Schools closed due to snow before Christmas arrived and presents were opened. So, all the good movies and games that usually occupy the kids were useless; hidden, waiting for Santa.

Snowmen and snow angels were outside everywhere. So were hoards of snowballs, stock piled in strategic places near intersections, destined to be tossed during rush hour traffic if schools closed again. Perish the thought.

Our local station, 6ABC, with Cecily Tynan and FoxNews are now predicting more snow and accumulation - just what we need.

However, since it’s after Christmas, we have enough games and movies, action heroes, and sports attire to survive two days of school closings. Then, we’re in trouble.

We asked ourselves. After what we just went through, do we really want to set our grandchildren loose to terrorize the neighborhood?

The answer was a simultaneous “No!”

So, we made a disaster recovery plan.

Two spare TVs are set up in a corner hub of the house, each with game consoles attached. On a nearby table are electronic games, playing cards, board games in the event of a power failure, and DVDs.

I am making a Wal-Mart shopping list: Flour, eggs, butter, sugar, shortening, baking soda, and baking powder. That takes care of the cookies, ensuring that the kids will have enough energy to play with all their new toys. Then we need candles, batteries, milk, cocoa, marshmallows, bread, hot and cold cereal, meat and veggies, pet food, toilet tissue, and plunger. The other plunger took a beating when the sewer system backed up during the last storm.

My husband is in the garage, getting out the rock salt, small pieces of carpet, shovels, and deicer.

He has his own shopping list for Pep Boys: fluids, extra deicer and wipers, scraper, and snow tires.

We both double check the sale coupons in the Sunday paper, just to make sure we don’t miss out on anything important.

“Hey, look at this,” my husband said. “Buy one sun screen, get one free.”

“Is that a local paper?” I asked. “Any sale prices on batteries?”

“Hey, Pop, does our TV run on batteries, if the electricity goes out?” our grandson asked.

“No, you’ll just have to play ‘fish’ with your little sister.”

“Oh, no!” he pouted.

“I told you to teach her how to play ‘Texas Hold ’em,” my husband said. "Why didn't you?"

“Because, she thinks if she gets two-of-a-kind, she should win. She cries if she doesn’t win,” he said.

“Give her a crash course, I’ll referee.”

Meanwhile, I am making sure that schoolbags, coats, scarves, hats, gloves, and boots are in the foyer.

I just found a half-gallon of lantern oil in the cubby hole under the cellar stairs. Maybe we won’t have to dig out until spring!

“Where are the other kids?” my husband asked.

“They are out watching some guy trying to free his Corvette.”

Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Day After Christmas - Bah-Humbug!

The only good thing I can say about Christmas falling on a Friday is Saturday. It gives me a weekend day to recover from the blur of the previous week. This included two last-minute trips to the supermarket for some sugar-free desert, as one of our guests finally came out of the closet that he is diabetic; some no fat milk for Santa, hopefully he will be in better chimney shimmy condition next year; and another trip to the pharmacy for some Airborne.

Why the Airborne?

We got at least five e-mails that said some of our guests were experiencing symptoms. We were not sure what kind, but ruled out rabies, since Aunt Clara reported she was still able to drink water.

We ran all the errands before festivities began on Christmas Eve.

I lost count of the number of guests that crossed our threshold on Thursday night. Some were sneezing and wheezing, as expected. Most went home DUI offenders, as designated drivers got trashed one-by-one. We don’t have that many friends, who wanted to share a sofa and rug with a demented tabby named Chubs, and a high-strung Weimaraner that is barely house broken. So, they opted to menace the highway on their way home.

I pasted an address label on each of their windshields as they left, in case they got lost. They were my least favorite labels anyway, relics done in CGA resolution. I got them free from the missionaries, who are still trying for a donation. I think the return address is a stable somewhere in Bethlehem, PA.

I am now zoning and brewing strong coffee. The house is a mess.

As I look around the living room and watch Chubs chase fragments of Christmas paper, some with scotch tape are sticking to his tail, I laugh. He still gets spooked by the twinkle lights on the tree and gets into his attack position every time a bit of tinsel hits the floor. Someone locked him out of the house last night and he kept company with a family of chipmunks under the pool deck. His face is all dirty.

Chubs’ idea of excitement is chasing his eye floaters, so Christmas means he’s getting close to cardiac arrest. I have to calm him down.

“Bah-Humbug!” I yell, as the tree breaks loose of its moorings and takes a nose dive - Chubs zooms past screeching into the bathroom.

My head is pounding like Buddy the Elf on the table in the mail room:


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

'Frosty the Inappropriate Snowman' or Mushroom Syndrome?

"No, Virginia, I hate to break this to you, but CBS lies, the concepts are false. Snowmen can’t dance. They have no rhythm. They just stand there and succumb to the elements. Viagra won’t help." Rose A. Valenta

Frosty the Snowman has been making headlines. Not “corncob pipe and button nose” headlines, but rather the “thumpety thump thump” variety. We once had a pet rabbit that we named "Thumper" for a similar reason - he had a wood chip fetish.

I don’t know which is worse, the “mushroom syndrome” of my generation or the pop culture of today. Both teach false concepts.

With mushroom syndrome, you were kept in the dark about everything and not told about sex until you reached the age of 18, unless you asked. Life was simple and you were simple minded. Network television was censored and anything aired during prime time had to be family-oriented. You never knew for sure if there was a toilet in Beaver Cleaver’s house.

By the time you were 12, you began asking questions like “Do you think Santa will get my letter?” and “Do you think my snowman will run away during the night?”

People had a sense of pride in those days. My grandmother, who was a professional baker at The Olean House in NY, found a recipe for "Mock Apple Pie" on the back of a box of Ritz crackers. She was curious.

She pulled down the shades before she made the pie, so the neighbors wouldn't know.

In today’s pop culture, we find CBS broadcasting to the world that Frosty not only has a silk hat and dances around, but he also has a porn collection. Although, I can’t imagine what could be in a snowman’s collection – sexy shaped icicles? Snow people created by everyone, who is in the sex offender database in the neighborhood? I’m not sure if Google can map the sex offender database to a GPS, so that you can track down all the creative snowmen in their back yards, while you're out cruising and enjoying the Christmas lights. All I know is at least one of them has infiltrated CBS.

"Look, Harry, we should try that position when we get home."

By the time pop culture kids reach the age of 12, they aren’t asking any questions. They are blogging movie reviews. “Bad Santa” is at the top of the list. Grandma has either a butterfly or flower tattoo, and a license to drive a Harley Fatboy.

No, Virginia, I hate to break this to you, but CBS lies; in either case, the concepts are false. Snowmen can’t dance. They have no rhythm. They just stand there and succumb to the elements. Viagra won’t help.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Viral Video - Russian Sex Bomb

I couldn't resist sharing this fantastic video.

Last year, Russia offered an incentive to couples to give birth to babies on National Day, June 12th.

The long-term goal was to boost the country’s birth rate, which has been on a steady decline since the collapse of the Soviet Union. As a result, someone posted this video on YouTube.

It has gone viral on the Internet.

Caviar with that?

Friday, September 11, 2009

ACORN - “Freelance Performing Artists” and the IRS

I thought that I would put humor aside today, to bring you something stupid:

ACORN accused the producers of the video below of capitalizing on yellow journalism. It depicts an ACORN representative, a pimp, and a hooker (two were ringers), of duping the IRS.

The hooker, Kenya, visited the ACORN office in Baltimore and told them that she and the pimp wanted to set up their own business, a brothel in their home. They claimed to be earning $8,000 a month or $96,000 annually. The ACORN representative told them to claim an annual income of only $9,600 with the IRS, listing their occupation as "freelance performing artists."

"It's not dancing, trust me," the pimp said.

That’s OK, you can’t put “chime ringer” on your 1040.


Thursday, September 10, 2009

Wam Bam Put a Cork in It

Police and Firemen were dodging a foray of corks in Wamsutter, Wyoming; yesterday after a cargo truck carrying hundreds of bottles of wine caught fire on a major highway.

"The corks were popping out of the bottles like the old Jiffy Pop (popcorn) we grew up with," a Highway Patrolman said. "My trooper got hit in the arm with one."

The fire was attributed to a locked brake or hub malfunction on the wine truck.
Stumble bums were sopping up the booze in the street like Billy Bob Thornton enjoying passive smoke from a marijuana fire in “Homegrown.”

Old ladies were out buying mulled spices and swinging ladles before the fire crew turned on the hydrants; The ladies auxiliary of the Knights of Columbus were scoffing up the debris for Wine cork trivet projects; and the Where Does it Go? "Envy" film crew showed up to invent still another product.


Monday, September 7, 2009

Stimulus Art

Ronald Koldritsch of Vienna, created this life-sized painting to represent the state of the international economy.

If you stand back and observe it you can interpret it as either a financier, who is confident and optimistic about the future, or one who is anticipating economic disaster and ready to jump.

It could also represent Prince William contemplating marriage and getting flak from the Queen; visiting Edinburgh; staying at Holyroodhouse; and baring his soul to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who will only grant him absolution if he jumps.

No parachute appears anywhere in the image.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Extract: Beware the Sweat Pants – A New Comedy

You probably remember the blockbuster comedy from Mike Judge called “Office Space.”

Peter Gibbons tries to get downsized by "The Bobs," while one of the other office workers, Milton, keeps getting his desk moved until it ends up in the basement. He has been laid off for a few years, but no one told him and he is still on the payroll. Then, he goes postal and sets the company on fire.

I always remember that red stapler for some reason. Especially when I take on new contract writing assignments for three- to four-month projects. Near the end of the each contract, I would call my recruiter and ask if I got an extension or a red stapler.

More often than not, it was an extension, but everyone enjoyed the connotation of the stapler.

Mike Judge just produced another comedy called “Extract.” This one is even funnier, starring Jason Bateman & Ben Affleck. Judge first became famous for “Bevis & Butthead” and its foibles of human behavior.

In “Extract,” Jason Bateman owns a food extract manufacturing company and is in a hilarious endeavor to grow the business, while his wife cuts off his water wearing sweat pants with a draw string. As a result, he finds an admin in the office with a G-string and fights his frustrations with Ben Affleck.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Golden Retriever’s Prayer of Thanks

Someone sent me this photo and prayer in e-mail and I thought that I would share it with you:

“Dear Lord,
Thank you for sending me to Timmy’s house and not Michael Vick’s.”

Michael Vick is back, after signing a $1.6 million, 1 year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles. A second year option is also part of the contract and is worth $5.2 million.

"PETA and millions of decent football fans around the world are disappointed that the Eagles decided to sign a guy who hung dogs from trees. He electrocuted them with jumper cables and held them under water," PETA spokesman, Dan Shannon, said to the Associated Press.

Andy Reid, the Eagles coach, believes that most Eagles fans will accept Vick.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Stimulus and UFOs

While President Barack Obama is inventing weird stimulus packages to pay illegal Aliens, the new First Lady of Japan announced that she not only believes in UFOs, but she has traveled to Venus. OK, so this is not about Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama's sexual prowess. She really claims to have been abducted by aliens.

Read News Article

Her husband, Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama, believes her claim. He equates it to Governor Ronald Reagan of California, who claimed he saw a UFO flying over Bakersfield, CA, and then got elected President. Something like pixie dust?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Free Wings and a Clunker

Things were really frying at the Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant in Ferndale, Michigan, a suburb of Detroit. It was a first date for Terrance Dejuan McCoy and an unknown woman with a Clunker that was worth some cash.

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McCoy ordered food for them and left his wallet in his date’s car. He then asked her for the keys. When she gave him the keys, he ran outside without paying and also stole the Clunker.

When caught, McCoy faces a five-year felony.

The couple had only known each other for a week after meeting at the roulette wheel at a local casino.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Dumb Criminal Stimulus Package

Sometimes the President is an inspiration.

Police in Miami, FL, got the brilliant idea to offer stimulus checks to known fugitives, in an effort to make arrests.

The department sent letters to criminals offering stimulus checks. A hot line number was provided and appointments were made for them to collect stimulus money at a local auditorium decorated with “South Florida Stimulus Coalition” banners.

When suspects arrived to pick up checks, they were identified and arrested. Charges ranged from grand theft to attempted murder.

The sting operation was called "Operation Show Me the Money."

Friday, August 28, 2009

Of Architecture and Nudity

Photographer, Zach Hyman, has been getting into a world of trouble with the NYPD.

What did he do?

Apparently, our culture is still so archaic, that it frowns on real nudity; but allows all kinds of nudity to be viewed for entertainment on video, cable, and satellite TV channels. I suppose you could call it "hypocritical perversion" syndrome.

Mr. Hyman had been observing nude art at the Metropolitan Museum of Art and wanted to take Andy Warhol-type photographs.

He paid a 26-year-old woman to disrobe outside the Met, so that he could capture both nudity and architecture. Next, he had her pose using a Frank Lloyd Wright building nearby. It was when he tried the same thing in the subway that all hell broke loose.

Horrors, Batman!

The NYPD was enraged, while observers were beginning to enjoy the new nude art learning curve, so the Batmobile was summoned.

Now, model Kathleen "K.C." Neill, who normally stays home with her two cats on Sunday making chocolate chip cookies for her neighbors, faces charges of public lewdness because she posed for Hyman.

Zach was stunned. After all, his Aunt Clara used to read Leviticus in the nude all the time when he was growing up in Queens.

“Haven’t any of these officials been to Rome?” he asked, as they confiscated his camera as evidence.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Don’t Take Too Long, ‘There's a goat in my trunk’

A woman in Winona, MN, with a broken serpentine belt stopped at a local repair shop to get the car fixed. The mechanic told her that it would take an hour to repair. She told the guy not to take much longer than that because she had a goat in her trunk.

Of course, the mechanic thought she was kidding, so after the woman left, he ate his lunch. Then, he began to replace the belt.

Read News Article

The mechanic thought that he heard something that sounded like a child crying in the trunk of the vehicle.

He checked around and no one was smoking pot, so he ruled out a passive high. Next, he checked to make sure that Willie Nelson wasn't playing on the radio. Then, he enlisted the assistance of a fellow worker and asked if he too heard anything unusual coming from the trunk of the car.

The other employee said that he was hung over, so they asked a third person for an opinion.

Together they opened the trunk and found a goat with its feet tied together. It was spray-painted purple and gold and its sides were shaved Brett Favre number four.

The police were called and the goat was confiscated. The woman was let go after she claimed that she was taking it to a Minnesota Vikings game.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Borat in Wellington

A man in Wellington, New Zealand, got lost in a local hotel. This does not seem at all odd or interesting, except that he was drunk, naked, and entered the wrong room during the wee hours of the morning. He crawled naked into bed with a sleeping couple, who occupied the room.

The woman woke up first and ran into the bathroom to hide. Her husband notified hotel security and the police were called to the scene.

Read News Article

The man could not remember which room he was in and had no ID.

Was it Borat, Ken Davitian, Barney Frank, or Moe Green?

You decide.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

PETA’s SNAFU - “Save The Whales” Campaign

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), an animal rights organization, has really done it this time. It has obviously stepped out-of-line and doesn’t seem to know the difference between animals and women.

It’s recent "Save The Whales, Lose The Blubber: Go Vegetarian" billboard campaign has drawn world criticism for depicting an obese woman as “The Whale.”

Were they encouraging the human consumption of plankton?

No, but showing Rush Limbaugh eating a veggie pizza would have been more effective and less insulting to many people.

A PETA spokesperson said, "If the billboard is shocking, hopefully it will get people's attention, and help them improve quality of life for themselves and their families.... it's designed to help people."

Sorry guys, but the Fat Lady doesn't sing humpback.

PETA should stick to its Mission Statement regarding saving animals and leave exploiting women to Hugh Hefner.

Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment Of Women

Saturday, August 15, 2009

She Wore an Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weenie Burkini

A local pool in Paris banned a muslim woman for wearing a burkini, an Islam-friendly swimsuit.

Evidently, the swimsuit wasn’t banned for religious reasons, but because it violated France’s public hygiene standards.

It's just a conspiracy - Paris prefers spandex.

Officials told Le Parisien "These clothes are used in public, so they can contain molecules, viruses, et cetera, which will go in the water and could be transmitted to other bathers. We reminded this woman that one should not bathe all dressed, just as we would tell someone who is a nudist not to bathe all naked."

The woman, who was only identified as “Carole,” plans to file discrimination charges.

President, Nicholas Sarkozy, claims that her suit is groundless and will be dismissed.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Doctor Fired For Bashing Dunkin' Donuts

In Pensacola, FL, the Bay County Health Department under the leadership of Dr. Jason Newsom, began a war on obesity, much to the chagrin of tourists.

After replacing candy bars with peanuts in vending machines, Newsom placed Electronic signs outside with the following warnings:

"Sweet Tea = Liquid Sugar."
"Hamburger = Spare Tire."
"French Fries = Thunder Thighs."

KFC was mentioned by brand name to make people think twice about eating fried chicken. However, Dr. Newsom pushed the envelope when he added "America Dies on Dunkin'."

"I picked on doughnuts because those things are ubiquitous in this county. Everywhere I went, there were two dozen doughnuts on the back table. At church, there were always doughnuts on the back table at Sunday school. It is social expectation thing," says Newsom.

He angered the powers that be when he banned donuts from meetings and threatened to trash any donuts that he saw in break rooms.

He was asked to resign for bashing the products using brand names.

"I think he was somewhat of a zealot," County Commissioner Mike Thomas said. "I don't have a problem with him pushing an agenda, it's the way he did it. People borrowed money to go into business and they are being attacked by the government."

Later, it was revealed that Thomas owns a donut shop and a diner.

After resigning, Newsom reapplied for the job.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Hillary’s Opinion is Credible - 'My husband is not the Secretary of State, I am'

On a recent visit to the Congo, Hillary responded to a student’s question with “"Wait, you want to know what my husband thinks? My husband is not the secretary of state - I am," Clinton said angrily.

You go Girl!

We all know how credible Bill’s comments are, and where his brains and the buffalo roam.

As you know, Hillary, now Secretary of State, holds the same office as famous diplomats such as Henry Kissinger, Alexander Haig, and Colin Powell. None of whom had to share the spotlight with a spouse, who had the intelligence of a primate.

Insiders claim that the reason Hillary was so angry even before the interview, was that she and Bill had been playing "Every Which Way But Loose" and Bill lost the keys to the handcuffs. She barely had time to apply her makeup.

Bill's Opinion:

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Mouse Builds Nest in ATM

About five people in LaGrande, Oregon, were trying to use an ATM machine at a local Gem Stop Chevron gas station. However, for every $20 requested, a mouse dropping would roll out of the money slot.

Angry citizens complained to the manager.

Read News Article

Upon further investigation, employee, Sreedevi Patel, who opened the machine, screamed when she saw that a mouse had built a nest in there using $20 bills.

She had previously been yelling at customers “No ice for cooler! Drinks only, Buray! Buray! alavidha!,” (meaning “take a hike”) when several of them, who were on a camping trip tried to tap the free ice machine in the back of the building to keep food cold in a small cooler.

Local police were called to the scene, as one of the campers called to complain that the Gem Stop ATM had shit in it and they were probably getting low-grade gasoline for high test, in addition to being denied ice.

The Gem Stop passed inspection and the mouse was issued a warning and let go.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

New Blockbuster Release - America Libre

As you can see, I put humor aside for now, to tell you about a blockbuster in the making.

International Latino Book Award-winning author, Raul Ramos Y Sanchez, has written a best-selling trilogy. The first release, "America Libre" was available at bookstores on July 29, 2009. It is an action-packed story of love, ethnic turmoil, and intrigue; plus the author adds deeply moving, thought-provoking commentary. Ultimately, you will get absolutely hooked on the entire trilogy - American Libre, El Nuevo Alamo, and Pancho Land.

“America Libre” is the best dramatic fiction that book sellers have to offer you this summer; and with the economy stifling vacations and other expensive leisure activity, you deserve a good read.

The events in “America Libre” take place in the second decade of the twenty-first century. As the immigration crisis reaches the boiling point, once-peaceful Latino protests explode into rioting. Cities across the nation are in flames. Anglo vigilantes bent on revenge launch drive-by shootings in the barrios, wantonly killing young and old. Exploiting the turmoil, a congressional demagogue succeeds in passing legislation that transforms the nation’s teeming inner-city barrios into walled-off Quarantine Zones. In this chaotic landscape, Manolo Suarez is struggling to provide for his family. Under the spell of a beautiful Latina radical, the former U.S. Army Ranger eventually finds himself questioning his loyalty to his wife—and his country.

In “El Nuevo Alamo,” the sequel to “America Libre,” hispanic insurgents are joined by conventional forces from the U.N. during a protracted war of independence. As of this writing, there is no release date scheduled.

In “Pancho Land,” the final installment of the “America Libre Trilogy,” the storyline follows the struggles against tyranny and corruption in the fledgling Hispanic Republic of North America.

Put this one on your “must read” list!

You can read more on the Raul Ramos Y Sanchez website.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Whiskey Wards off Swine Flu

The Russian soccer team that is scheduled to travel to Whales for next month’s World Cup qualifier, has been advised to drink scotch whiskey to ward off the H1N1 swine flu.

Read News Article

Insiders don’t know how this will affect their game, but suspect that the referee will be dropping the ball more often to drunken players staggering for possession.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Maddog Monopoly Game

A man in Michigan was arrested for assaulting his girlfriend during a game of monopoly. Apparently, she wouldn’t sell him Park Place and Boardwalk. All he had was Baltic and Mediterranean Avenues, the B&O Railroad, and the utility companies. So, he socked her and knocked off her glasses.

Read News Article

The folks at Parker Brothers got wind of this story and initiated a new project. According to our source in Parker Brother’s R&D department, the original monocle-wearing man, who is the mascot named Rich Uncle Pennybags, is being replaced with a dude dressed in a leather outfit named Maddog.

The board will consist of forty spaces containing eighteen slums, two crack houses, two Mafia Restaurants, six gambling establishments, and several brothels. It will also include three Chance spaces, three Community Chest spaces, Luxury and Income Tax spaces, and four corner squares: GO ICE!, Jail, Bada Bing, and Go to Jail. The properties will be named after popular locations in or near New York City docks.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Plowing Naked in Banke Bazaar

The young women of Banke Bazaar, India are plowing the fields naked to embarrass the Weather Gods, so that they will send monsoon rains.

“This is the most trusted social custom in the area and the villagers have vowed to continue this practice until it rains very heavily," a spokesperson said.

The paparazzi, on the other hand, were hoping for a draught, as they were making $1,000 a shot for the Tabloids.

News Article

Naked wonders of all shapes and sizes danced in the fields after sun down and and chanted ancient hymns to invoke the Weather Gods.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Michael Jackson’s Nose Lifted From Morgue

Steven King will love this story, as it is the epitome of macabre.

Someone actually stole Michael Jackson’s prosthetic nose from his surgically mangled face at the LA morgue.

After the theft, all that remained in its place was a small dark hole surrounded by particles of cartilage.

Apparently, Rolling Stone magazine has pictures of the singer’s body on the autopsy table sans nose.

What will happen to the nose?

Probably, there will be a proliferation of prosthetic noses for sale on eBay. Insiders say that already, a factory in Beijing, China, has designed a knock-off mold and is offering to drop-ship the noses to eBay buyers.

The real nose will probably be fenced to a rich collector for $10 million and be displayed in a Thriller Armoir.

Detectives at the LAPD said that Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, might be a person of interest in the theft.

Read News Article

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Celebrity Groundhog’s Mistress Murdered in New Jersey

Punxsutawney Phil and his girlfriend, Petunia, were enjoying a romp out of state in Boonton, NJ, when the owner barged in with a private investigator and a Hasselblad H3DII-50 camera to catch them in the act.

Apparently, Mrs. Punxsutawney was suspicious when Phil left their home late Sunday evening in search of clover and didn’t return. It is almost hibernation time and she was getting low on roots, bulbs, tubers, and seeds. She sought the help of a private investigator when she found long gray hairs on the alfalfa stash in their tunnel that wasn’t hers.

When confronted in the illicit love nest, Petunia went into a jealous rage and became violent, attacking a local police officer, who was called to the scene. He pepper-sprayed her in the face. Mrs. Punxsutawney reported that Petunia had rabies (which was a bold face lie), and Petunia was euthanized and her remains sent to the state health department for rabies testing.

Members of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club bribed the couple with food to reconcile before hibernation time, so that they can hold the annual Groundhog Day celebration in Pennsylvania next February.

Read News Article

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Naked Cowboy Runs Against Bloomberg in the Big Apple

Today, Robert John Burck II, The Naked Cowboy, will be kicking off his campaign against incumbent, Michael R. Bloomberg, at a press conference in Parsippany, NJ.

His qualifications to run for New York City Mayor include being a resident of the city for over 10 years, evading police, as he prances around improving Times Square, posing for photos with tourists, wearing nothing but his cowboy hat, tighty-whitie Funpals, boots and a big smile. He will offer voters a stimulus plan for small businesses.

Mayor Bloomberg’s platform includes the reactivation of Brooklyn's working waterfront with his "Sunset Park Waterfront Vision Plan." However, he doesn’t plan on prancing around the docks in his jockey shorts and bear market ticker tapes.

Both candidates seem a little bullish.

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“No one knows how to do more with less than yours truly, and that’s the kind of thinking I plan on sharing with my fellow New Yorkers when you elect me,” Burck told the media.

No one knows who will run for Police Commissioner on The Naked Cowboy's ticket, but we are sure that the campaign has already been launched:

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Minnesota Man Has Unusual Fetish

Police in Duluth, MN, are seeking a perpetrator, who has been sneaking into gyms and sports facilities to slash exercise balls.

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The man has been on a local wanted list since May 2009. Police know who he is, since he was arrested once before for similar crimes.

The last time he was brought before a magistrate, he told police that “he slashed the rubber balls to satisfy a sexual urge.”

Insiders claim that he is unusually attracted to inflatable exercise devices.

He hired Denny Crane from “Boston Legal” as his attorney when he found out that Denny won a similar case defending a guy, who got off pinching hostas.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Wieners Declare Mutiny

Its barbecue season and hundreds of wieners declared mutiny on an Oscar Mayer truck headed for a wienie roast in Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin. As a result, the truck crashed into the deck and garage of a home, freeing over 1,000 hostages.

After 6 boxes of frozen buttondogs iced the driver, 250 wieners wearing t-shirts hit the streets of Wisconsin with picket signs encouraging people to eat bologna. None of them were arrested for indecent exposure.

“Ban The Foot-Long,” one t-shirt read.

“If you are really in love with us, you’d eat bologna.”

“Grills and Hot Mustard Burn.”

“Oscar Mayer Has a Way With B-O-L-O-G-N-A."

“Hot Dogs Suck.”

“Clog Your Arteries, only $3.00.”

Friday, July 17, 2009

Pianist Pope Benedict XVI Breaks Wrist

Pope Benedict XVI has been on vacation in the tiny village of Les Combes in the Valle d'Aosta region of Italy near the French border for the past week.

He has been relaxing in the Italian Alps and doing his absolute favorite thing – playing classical music on the piano at his chalet.

Yesterday, he fell in his bedroom and broke his wrist. He did hit a sour note while playing Palestrina the evening before, and the neighbors were complaining about the echo.

Vatican sources said that he underwent successful surgery this morning at Umberto Parini hospital.

He was not in much pain, but very disappointed that his piano wrist is out of commission.

Inside sources are not sure if the Pope will be performing a duet with the Archbishop of Canterbury anytime soon.

Two local pianists think they have solved the problem:

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Dear Sir or Madman

In a recent news article for Reuters, Nina Lex and Janet Guttsman claim that the most common mistakes people make on resumes and cover letters include "Dear Sir or Madman", "I'm attacking my resume for you to review", "Following is a grief overview of my skills" and "I have a keen eye for derail.”

While most of us are diligent in editing our resumes, often asking friends to take a look before sending it out to companies or recruiters, some of us are really piss-poor spellers and so are our family members and friends.

Since most hiring managers and executives would not hire anyone with a single typo, you can’t ask your 90-year-old relative, who has been sitting around watching Lawrence Welk and Gomer Pile reruns all day, to proof read it for you.

"Son, lookee here, this here list is missing an 'a.' You know, a one ana two..."

In these difficult economic times you have to land the job. So, if you can’t spell everything on your grocery shopping list or rely on spell checker to get the job done right; but have a great loyal friend, who gives wallbangers a new meaning; more drastic measures can be taken:

Thursday, July 9, 2009

British Scientists Produce Human Sperm from Stem Cells

A group of researchers from Newcastle University in Great Britain have produced human sperm in a laboratory.

Professor Karim Nayernia, the lead scientist, confirms that the artificially created sperm can swim and swirl just like natural sperm and offer the same functionality, but without the distress of being blindsided and launched out of their happy home at 100 mph into the vast unknown in search of a microscopic target, without a road atlas.

You have to ask yourself, why?

You would think that this is frivolous research and a waste of money, since we have been spending billions of dollars trying to avoid the little buggers via birth control in the first place, but scientists insist that this could be the breakthrough in the treatment of male infertility and will be available within five to 10 years.

There are two basic types of sperm: “spermatozoon” (sounds Italian, yes?), or those that bother to swim; and “spermatium,” those without a remote control, and are too lazy to swim. Just like members of the Italian mafia, the spermatium are more likely to have to hit the mattresses.

You have to feel sorry for sperm, you know? There is no activist group, that I know of looking out for their best interest, like a Habitat for the Humane Treatment of Sperm. After all, they only have about 48 hours to live after launch, not enough time to party or go to Disney World. Plus, you can't recruit them as part of your gang in Mafia Wars on Facebook.

If you could hear them communicate, the conversation would probably sound much like the dialog in “Cannonball Run” - a last ditch effort:

“We've got a secret weapon. God is our co-pilot!”

“My swimming is rivaled only by the lightning bolts from the heavens!”

“An ice cream truck! Yeah, an ice cream truck! Y'know, they gotta get there before it melts!”

“How long before we stop?”
“Forty-eight hours! “
“Da-D-Damn! I gotta go to the john!”

“Hookers, man! Where the hookers?”

“Evel Knievel, you've got yourself some competition!”

“If we were Methodists we'd have a good shot at gettin' laid”

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Monday, July 6, 2009

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin - Bad Dobby!

President Obama is scheduled to meet with Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and President Dmitry Medvedev to discuss NATO, human rights, and Georgia.

Obama’s primary pet peeve regarding Putin is represented in his statements to the Associated Press -Putin needs to "understand that the Cold War approach to U.S.-Russian relationship is outdated" and Putin has "one foot in the old ways of doing business."

Putin (a.k.a. Dobby) allegedly has been pulling his old KGB tactics as far as Georgia is concerned. Last November, the European Broadcasting Union (EBU) informed Georgian public broadcasting (GPB) that the lyrics of their song, “We Don't Wanna Put In” by Stephanie and 3G, would not be appropriate for the 54th Eurovision Song Contest and did not comply with the rules of the competition, which banned political statements. Pressure from Putin was blamed for disqualifying the group.

Bad Dobby!

Pundints have advised Medvedev to give Putin an old sock.

Here is what the performance would have looked like:

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Over-Sexed Rugsuckers from Argentina

Lorena Bobbitt had a dream, so she contacted Jenny Sanford. The two ladies met in what staffers called “a private conference.” Lorena has been involved in teaching anger management classes and has been quite successful in helping people replace irrational behavior with assertiveness.

Later, on an anonymous tip, our cameraman went to a secret undisclosed location in North Carolina, several hundred miles away from the scene of the conference. You’ll have to excuse the date stamp on the video, it was really June 27th.

Campaign staffers are still trying to determine whose balls are in this video, but scientists are amazed, stating that each one has independent brain and Sertoli cells, but apparently, only one train of thought.

The Governor of South Carolina allegedly had his package "out of town on personal business."

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Police Cadets Warned not to Order the Spaghetti alla Puttanesca

On Monday, 166 cadets graduated from the Philadelphia Police Academy. The week before they graduated, they were indoctrinated into the "Steer Straight" program.

A journalist I know sat in on a few of those sessions. The "Steer Straight" program is designed to educate rookies on how not to get jammed up at work. They were shown videos on what not to do during a high-speed chase or during an arrest, and other situations that could result in dismissal.

Cadets were shown a horrific video titled "Bad Cop" of an officer in Oakland, CA, shooting and fatally wounding a man as he was being held down on a train platform by another officer, who looked like Billy Bob Thornton, and a midget.

“You don’t want to get derailed like that,” they were told.

"It takes one slip to lose everything you've worked so hard for," said Inspector Cynthia Dorsey, head of the internal affairs division.

Veteran officers also warned of mafia tactics and what is known as “Trolling for Jamook.”

“These guys set you up. They get a bad cop to take you to an Italian restaurant. One of the specials is Spaghetti alla Puttanesca. If you order the Puttanesca, you’re screwed.”

“Don’t threaten any Starbucks employees for some free Caramel Frappuccino®” they were warned.

"Don't even think about privacy," District Attorney Lynne Abraham told them. "You are going to have to remember that everybody is watching you."

The Philadelphia Police Department has 6,700 officers. It is the nation's fourth largest force, following New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Hogwarts bully ‘Crabbe’ Nabbed in London

Jamie Waylett, the actor who plays Crabbe, the scapegoat of Slytherin House, in the Harry Potter movie series, has been busted for growing a small cannabis farm in his bedroom.

Waylett, age 19, and a friend (not Draco Malfoy) were cruising rather suspiciously in an Audi around Westminster in Central London. Police spotted him driving like he was avoiding a Whomping Willow tree.

When the police pulled him over and searched the car, they found eight bags of illegal cannabis.

They then raided his home and seized a dozen mature cannabis plants in his room that were growing under hydroponic lights next to his PlayStation. A game called Ball Breakers was on at the time. The plants were valued at around £2,000.

The actor lives in Camden, North London.

Jamie Waylett has appeared with Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, and Rupert Grint in all of the popular Harry Potter films. The latest film, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince,” is being released on July 15th.

There once was a character named Crabbe.
In the back Harry Potter would stab.
It was all about pot,
but there's no second shot,
14 years in the slammer, not fab.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

PETA Accuses Obama of War Crime

The group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) wants our President to demonstrate a more humane attitude towards flies, the next time one bothers him while he is on the job as a public servant.

Apparently, they were appalled when Obama killed a fly during a television interview this week.

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PETA suggested deporting any future White House flies to Guantanamo Bay, as it is closed and would be a safe haven for these insects. Besides, they find it horrendous to think that any American would actually kill a fly, who might also be that missing fellow from New York, Jeff Goldblum. You remember him, a fly got into his Telepod. Anyway, he flew off sometime around 1988 or 1989 and hasn’t been seen since. PETA has also been looking for heirs.

PETA cited that the flies serve a useful purpose and there is also a place for all their asses in Austin, TX, where they are used to control fire ants. It also suggested that the President of the United States, as well as the companies that own crop dusters and trucks used to control flies and mosquitoes should be charged with inhumane war crimes.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Trend Hunter Magazine Rocks!

Where do you go when you want to read about the latest and greatest trends in technology, fashion, sex, pop culture, celebrities, advertising, business, going “Green”, art and design, life, luxury, science, and the bizarre?

Every techno geek in the universe would direct you to Trend Hunter Magazine. Plus, its affiliate Trend Hunter TV. They have taken the Internet by storm!

According to the magazine editors, Trend Hunter has “6-8 million monthly views and is the world's largest, most popular trend community, fueled by a global network of 26,000 members. It is a source of inspiration for industry professionals, aspiring entrepreneurs and the insatiably curious.”

Every day, Trend Hunter provides a wide variety of micro-trends, viral news, and pop culture.

I was looking at the “Hot” articles of the day and found in the top 10, Cartoon Celebellishments, Bushy Signatures, Luxury Lawnmowers, Movie Wardrobe Upgrades, Giant Bubblegum Sculptures, Revamped RetroKicks, Amphibious Automobiles, Microscopic Villages, Magazine T=Shirtorials, and Fringed Frocks.

If you are on the cutting edge of cool, you can become a Trend Hunter yourself and contribute articles to the magazine.

In a recent article by Trish Tucknott “Human Belly Branding,” I learned that the new fad involves scarring in lieu of tattoos.

In Bianca Bartz’ “80 Things You Can Get For Free” I found out about marketers, who give away freebees like vacation packages, food, and botox and boob jobs.

Everything you need to know is in Trend Hunter Magazine - Check it out:

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Flush Puppy - Dino’s Predicament

A four-year old boy from England was gifted a one week old puppy. The cute little Cocker Spaniel is named “Dino,” after the man who rescued him from a drainage ditch a short distance from the owner’s house.

It all started after a terrific lunch for two – a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and puppy chow. As mom left the room, the two new friends were happily eating and sniffing at each other.

“Mommy Mommy!” the boy’s mother noticed the inflection of an emergency. Her son also has two turtles, a lizard, and a cat, all of whom have found the inside of the loo at one time or another for various reasons unknown to adults.

“The puppy just went down the toilet as I was washing his paws!”

The puppy was nowhere to be found even when mom opened the manhole cover out in front of the house. The boy made puppy whine sounds down in the sewer pipe, which echoed in the tube much like Moaning Myrtle from the Harry Potter Series, hoping for a response.

None was forthcoming.

Alarmed, the mother called the fire department. The video below shows Dino’s predicament (you can view more videos at www.reuters.com):

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Sly Fox Lifts Louis Vuittons

In the small western town of Foehren, Germany over 100 designer shoes have been reported stolen. The thief favors Louis Vuitton, Steve Madden, Manolo Blahnik, and Gucci shoes.

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The perpetrator turned out to be a fox.

A forest worker accidentally stumbled upon the stash of stolen property near the fox’s den and called police.

"There was everything from ladies' shoes to trainers," said a spokesperson from the local police. "We've found between 110 and 120 so far. It seems the vixen stole them for her cubs to play with."

I did some research and there is no FoxToys R US in the area and two of the cubs are teething.

Since the thief had no ID, police booked the animal as Imelda Markos Fox. She was tagged and sent back into the wild. The device that is attached to her has a built-in alarm that will sound every time she tries to steal shoes.

The cubs didn’t beat up the stolen merchandise too badly, as the shoes were returned to their rightful owners unharmed and intact. Although one pair of Gucci with 6" heels looked much like a gnawed ham bone.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Economic Fallout - The Week in Review

The US economy is getting so bad that the five mafia families are laying off senators and judges.

The Mexican Peso is up on word that a whole truck load of Polacks got caught sneaking into Mexico last week. Investors are forecasting a boon in ancho goĊ‚abkis and Emmeril Podlawski is opening a Cajun/Polish-style restaurant in Tijuana.

Just last week, the El Dorado Gift Shop at 1332 Revolution Avenue, was giving away tourist coupons to the famous Krakow Cotton Club; as well as travel brochures describing all the other famous hot-spots in Poland.

In Italy, Chrysler and Fiat have completed the deal that will leave Fiat owning 20% of the new Chrysler Group. In America, the same company is belly-up, defunct, sconfitto, poof!

In the Middle East, a war of words between two political rivals in Iran was reduced to some juicy language. Many variations of obscene gestures and "Jad showere" (up yours) intensified, only two days before the presidential elections.

Congress has been investigating Bernard Madoff. Great! The guy who took $50 billion and pulled a David Copperfield, making it disappear is being investigated by the same group of people, who made $750 billion disappear.

Many people are now trying to find the stash:

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Hungry an Hour Later? Try The Rattlesnake Chicken

You can forget the standard entrees that you normally find on Chinese Restaurant menus, such as foo young, lo mien, spring rolls (a.k.a egg rolls), wonton, firecracker beef, steamed fish, and suey. These are the dishes that make you hungry within an hour after you eat.

Gourmet chefs in the southern province of Guangdong, near Chongqing, have invented a meal comprised of chickens, which have first been bitten to death by poisonous snakes. The meal is detoxing, but doesn't leave you hungry either.

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This unnamed dish has gone underground in some establishments, just like our previous VP, to a secret undisclosed location, until some adventurous soul wishes to sample the delicacy.

At the Gourmet Wok, you don't need to speak Chinese to order the entree. When your server arrives at your table, just smile, bow slightly, and say "hisssssssss."

Some customers are even allowed to witness the entire process, from rattlesnake to cock-pot. It tends to mellow the appetite.

They would not allow the process video to be uploaded on YouTube, but you can access it at this URL:


Of course, animal rights activists in China are upset about the new dish, but then where were they when my cat was kidnapped in the back alley of the Peking Moon?

Monday, June 1, 2009

Britain’s Got Talent – Street Dancers ‘Diversity’ Win!

These are the three winners of the Britain’s Got Talent Show. Diversity got the most votes, followed by favorite, Susan Boyle, and Julian Smith. All will have lucrative careers thanks to their fantastic performances.

Diversity spoofed the show in its act, incorporating the three red buttons that the judges use to vote people out. Susan belted out a much better rendition of “I Dreamed a Dream,” while Julian Smith performed a meticulous sax solo of “Somewhere” from West Side Story.

After the show, two runners up were up-chucking in the thames, while Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan were treated with mojitos and then released from The Black Friar Pub for being drunk and disorderly; Cowell was also loud and boisterously threatening to run for Prime Minister.

There was not enough staff at the local loony bin to lock up all the customers, who were dropping the "F" bomb over at the Friars club when Julian lost, so they were all fed a spot of French Roast and told to go home and sleep it off.

Piers was last seen running away from the police on his high-speed Segway PT Cruiser. Flames were shooting out the back and several Bobbies on bicycles suffered minor injuries. Stavros Flatley was frantically bringing up the rear:

Thursday, May 28, 2009

GOP Trinity Says "Don't Piss Off a White Man"

In one corner, we have Supreme Court Justice nominee Sonia Sotomayor, who said back in 2001, "I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life."

In the other corner, we have the GOP Holy Trinity - Coulter, Gingrich, and Limbaugh, who collectively called Sotomayor a "racist."

Ann Coulter said "It does a disservice to minorities -- to women and minorities -- that we are supposed to be empathizing for," she said. "Saying that someone would decide a case differently... because she's a Latina, not a white male, that statement by definition is racist."

Well, besides ending a sentence with a preposition, what does Ann really know? She is just a yuppie without any actual political office experience writing books on the subject. Now, she even has people thinking she is some pompous expert, topic unknown. Once, Coulter even told Donny Deutsch on his Big Idea show that Jews should "be perfected." You can find that particular interview on Youtube by searching "Ann Coulter" and "antisemitic."

My friend Ernie Witham, of Ernie's World, http://www.erniesworld.com, says that rumor has it "Ann Coulter is really a white man (check out her Adam's Apple)."

Gingrich said on Twitter, "White man racist nominee would be forced to withdraw," then he added. "Latina woman racist should also withdraw." I didn't know he was an American Indian, did you?

Limbaugh brought up the rear end of the horse on DittoCam by saying "horrible choice" and "a racist ... or reverse racist."

To quote Eldridge Cleaver (1935-1998), "You're either part of the solution or part of the problem."

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

British Tourists Moon Crete

It was early Sunday morning on the Greek Island of Crete. The ouzo was flowing and 17 British tourists, all men, dressed as nuns dropped their drawers and mooned the island.

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A police spokesperson said that they arrested the 17 Brits, who ranged in age from 17 to 65 at the local resort of Malia.

"They were dressed like nuns, carrying crosses, but wearing thongs under their skirts and showing people their bottoms and the rest," said an unnamed police source.

Sister Mary Adonis and her hearty henchmen stood trial still dressed in their nun’s habits, but walked free when no one appeared to testify that their behavior was in any way offensive.

Judge Plutarch released the suspects, who immediately left the courthouse doing Zorba's Dance and went out on another binge.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

King of the Road

Intermittent explosive disorder, or “road rage” has been officially listed as a mental disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Food for thought, as you drive on an Interstate highway, or Turnpike.

You are familiar with its symptoms: drivers, who are equipped with loud mufflers and arrogant bumper stickers; while driving aggressively and flamboyantly flipping the bird to senior citizens.

Among the top five arrogant bumper stickers and warning signs of a flat liner include:


Coinciding with the Memorial Day holiday and the release of the “Road Rage” warning, GMAC released the worst driving states in the country. If you are driving through Rhode Island, the odds of driving through that State without a highway mishap are against you. Rhode Island has the worst drivers in the nation, followed by Washington DC, New Jersey, Massachusetts, and New York.

These are the same drivers, who speed 65 mph through 45 mph construction zones that have cement barricades flanking both sides of the two-lane highway without a shoulder or escape route, because the driver has air bags. Some even think that the posted speed limit means "minimum."

If you set your cruise control to the speed limit and drive in the right-hand lane, you are a road hazard to a person with road rage.

In the following video, a Buttzville, NJ, driver with a short fuse was being chased by police for getting out of his car at a traffic light and breaking wind in the open window of Officer Giordano’s patrol car because Giordano had given the guy’s brother a traffic ticket the week before.

It is not clear which one of the drivers is guilty of road rage.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Beware the Crazy Days of Summer

Teenage boredom ran rampant this week in Pittsburgh, as a 17-year-old high school student used a real snake to play jump rope. The snake was unharmed, but it reminded me of a warped version of Alfred Lord Tennyson’s “Locksley Hall,” where in springtime a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of love, rather than in summer when a young man tests a snake’s spring action against the pavement:

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Insiders claim that the youth was just practicing for a double dutch eggbeater tournament, when the unsuspecting snake slithered past.

According to the National Double Dutch League, the popular urban street pastime is making a big comeback and is second in line to basketball as a popular recreational sport in some New York City schools.

Summer is coming, watch your pets:

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Yes, Notre Dame, There Really is a Rush Limbaugh at the Vatican

Amid much controversy, President Barrack Obama is scheduled to speak at Notre Dame tomorrow.

If I was in the graduating class of Notre Dame, I'd be proud to have the President give a commencement speech at my university. It is an honor and very exciting - the kind of story to tell the grandchildren some day. However, everyone doesn't feel that way.

"It is clear that Notre Dame didn't understand what it means to be Catholic when they issued this invitation," said Cardinal Francis George, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB).

(Insiders tell me that Cardinal George is also the Rush Limbaugh of the Vatican without the "DittoCam," which is why the Pope has not taken an official position).

No, Cardinal, but the Fighting Irish sure understood the privilege of having the Commander in Chief of the United States, which has over 306,444,087 citizens (not all of them Catholics), accept the invitation and give the commencement speech to the Class of 2009.

Of course, Notre Dame could have invited Will Ferrell. He did rather well at Harvard:

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Lipitor and Viagra Stimulus Package for Jobless

According to Pfizer, you don't need a tranquilizer or booze if you lose your job. What you need, is stimulus!

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I'm not sure if Pfizer's management has been sleeping in the rain forest observing the idle primates, or its marketing department perceives the declining state of the economy and the unemployment rate as a means to increase market share.

On Thursday, the company announced that it will give away Lipitor and Viagra for up to one year, to people who have lost jobs and health insurance.

"There's a long-term benefit there, beyond the goodwill and the publicity," said David Heupel, a Pfizer spokesperson. He alluded to the strategy as preventing poor people from substituting herbal remedies and cheap videos for its name brand product.

I asked around, but no one would say whether or not condoms were being dispensed with pink slips these days; However, Pfizer is doing its civic duty.

Tally-ho! then, ey?


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Do You Think Modern Culture Has Corrupted the Amish?

This news release describes a scandalous incident that occurred in Leon, NY, a predominantly Amish community:

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Apparently, two Amish youths were having a good time being rowdy in their buggy, when Detective Nathan Root, driving an unmarked car, overheard the following conversation:

“Things haven’t been the same around here, since Raymond left us to open a night club act in Vegas.”

“Yep, I remember him. He’s the one, who used to mess with the tourists and get us all reported to the Chamber.”

“That be Raymond!”

“His father raised ducks over near Stoltz Creek and he held sex education classes there every Friday night. He called it ‘slam-dunk 101.’

Lots of hooting and hollering ensued.

“Once he took Elvira Stube out on a date and she came back soaked and half drowned. I thought her father was going to kill Raymond.”

“Here, have another Coors.”

With that, the pair was pulled over and arrested for possession of alcohol. Police also found a collection of Road Kill cookbooks, some machine stitched quilts bearing Amish handmade labels, and a variety of 100-proof jams.

The two teenagers have been arrested once before for drinking and listening to radios.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Slumdog Dixie Gets Hosed

A hardworking dedicated Snohomish, Washington, police officer might be getting laid off, even though she has never drawn a paycheck.

The fate of Dixie, the drug sniffing police dog, rests in the hands of city council, while it approves budget cuts.

Dixie, pictured above with partner, Sgt. Jeffrey Sheldon, has an impressive resume. She has discovered many pounds of drugs and over $25,000 in drug money without getting paid. Her only reward, has been a length of hydraulic hose to gnaw on - her most treasured toy.

That's a lot less than minimum wage, right?

Voters in Washington State approved a minimum wage of $8.55 per hour, which applies to both agriculture and non-agricultural jobs, like sniffing out marijuana, although in some cases workers may be paid 85% of that wage, or $7.27 an hour. That could buy Dixie many essentials at PetSmart. But, just a few hugs and then get hosed? Meh!

If you would like to complain about mutt sweatshop labor, you can e-mail Chief John Turner - turner@ci.snohomish.wa.us - at the Snohomish Police Department.

Industry analysts equate Dixie's position on the Snohomish Police Force to the overall global apathy of sweatshop labor:

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Splendor in the Grass at Windsor Castle

This news article was released today by Scotland Yard in London: Click Here

The Queen was in her counting house,
Counting out her money;
Some bloke was in the grass,
Cuddling straight up to his honey.

The sentries were at once aghast,
Public indecency exposed;
The hot and horny couple,
Were quite promptly duly hosed.

A witness to this event , Mark Robinson, told reporters that while all this was going on in front of Windsor Castle, “one window from the guardroom opened up and when a soldier saw what was going on he told his mates — and lots of windows opened up. The couple did not care who was looking and just kept going as if they were in their own bedroom."

Thames Valley Police promptly arrested the drunken couple, and issued them a warning about “outraging public decency.”

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Humorist/Rocker Babe Lynette Sheffield is Really Funny

My friend, Lynette K. G. Shefield, a fellow humor writer and Erma Bombeck fan, has written a terrific family humor book about life in Bend, Oregon, "They Still Drop Turkeys at KTWS in Bend, Orgegon: My Life as a Twinster."

It is a hilarious read about her antics with the disc jockeys at a local classic rock station, KTWS, 98.3 - The Twins. Those who listen to The Twins are referred to as "Twinsters" and their motto is, "Being a Twinster is not a spectator sport."

Lynette also operates a web site called "Lynette is Funny" simply because she walks around all day with a notebook and pencil jotting down punch lines at the station, like the rest of us do with Joe Biden Gaffes (i.e. "Stand up, Chuck, let 'em see ya" to wheelchair-bound Senator Chuck Graham); only her's are funnier.

Lynette claims that she could be residing in beautiful San Diego, CA, but lives in Bend, Oregon, because her husband refused to stop and ask for directions while they were out house hunting. She also has two teenagers and you know what family fun that can generate.

Most of the events described in this book actually happened to Lynette, except for the part where she finally loses that last 15 pounds and becomes an exotic dancer. Names would have been changed to protect the innocent but there aren't any.

The book is available at Amazon.com. Lynette also puts out an e-mail humor column. If you want to subscribe, send an email to lynette@bendcable.com with "subscribe" in the subject line.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Yo Quiero Tinker Bell!

You are going to find this difficult to believe, but a Chihuahua in Michigan named “Tinker Bell” got caught in a 70 mph gust of wind and landed safely about a mile away.

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No one knows why Dorothy and Lavern Utley named their six pound Chihuahua, Tinker Bell, but if you have ever owned a Chihuahua, you already know that the breed is nervous by nature. Chihuahuas will sit and shake like a bowl of jello if you simply raise your voice around them. They are perpetual nervous break downs in a noisy city; but taking a Chihuahua on a 70 mph one-mile ride, like the tornado in “The Wizard of Oz”,” is probably worse than riding the Millennium Force roller coaster at Cedar Point in San Dusky, OH.

Not to worry though, Tink survived and landed a date with the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Democrats Welcome Back Kotter

Everyone is making such a big deal out of Senator Arlen Specter switching parties and the Twitters are going wild.

People seem to forget that back in the 1960s when he was an Assistant DA under Jim Crumlish and the South Philly "Sweathogs" all worked for Angelo Bruno and Antonio Caponigro, Specter was a Democrat. Then, when he wanted to run for District Attorney in 1965, he switched to Republican.

By the time The Cisco Kid ran for mayor, Specter had already made his bones on Capitol Hill and finally won the Senate seat in 1980.

He was glad to be out of Philadelphia politics, as Andrea Mitchell was constantly locking horns with the Big Bambino (Frank Rizzo) and all hell broke loose. Accusations were flying about the police department being used for espionage and rumors had Mayor Rizzo and Republican Richard Nixon in bed together. This does not include the solid gold door knob from hell on Rizzo's house.

"I have found myself increasingly at odds with the Republican philosophy and more in line with the philosophy of the Democratic Party," Specter said at a recent news conference. "I am not prepared to have my 29 year record in the United States Senate decided by the Pennsylvania Republican primary electorate."

You can read the entire article here.

Welcome Back Kotter!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

People Actually Gauge Farts on Twitter

I was checking the Allweirdnews.com web site today and found this article about a guy named Randy Sarafan, who has roughly 200 people on Twitter following his farts.

This takes office boredom to an all time low.

Apparently, Randy rigged his office chair to detect the methane density of his farts. Then, he transmits the information to his Twitter followers.

The technology is not complicated and involves a natural gas sendor, Arduino, and XBee wireless.

I couldn’t believe this, so I went out on Twitter to find Randy Sarafan.

Instead, I found @captainfart with 2,322 followers, www.silentbutdeadlyfartclub.com with a stink-o-meter, @fart_master, @fartsandwich, and a few others with fewer followers.

America’s new preoccupation: