Sunday, February 27, 2011

Punked by The Royal Wedding

This morning I made a pot of Southern Pecan coffee. I went shopping at the Italian Market yesterday and couldn’t resist going over budget at Fante’s. It’s my treat when I do something rewarding, like clean the lint filter in the dryer rather than spend $50 calling the repairman because it took two hours to dry clothes. I was making pancakes when Uncle Harry stopped to smell the coffee out by my air dryer, which was sporting a pair of tied mis-matched tennis shoes, and invited himself to breakfast.

“Good morning!” I said.

“What’s good about it?” he responded. “I didn’t get an invitation to the Royal Wedding.”

“You, Obama, and Fergie.” I said.

“Obama I can understand,” he said. “But, I didn’t return a gift from the Queen.”

“Wrong size?” I asked.

“No, wrong patriot,” he said.

“I even wrote a letter to The Queen’s Man, The Lord Chamberlain, and told him how much I have always admired Sir Winston Churchill. I have all of his books and a print of one of his paintings. They sent all the invitations out last week, but I didn’t get mine. Do you have a shot of Kahlua to go with the coffee?”

“You’re serious!”

“Damn straight, I am. I also included a photo of Duchess of York that I had drawn a mustache on with a Sharpie along with my letter. I captioned it 'Would you buy an Open Door Policy from this woman?”

“Harry! You’re lucky that they didn’t send Scotland Yard over here looking for you. What were you thinking?”

“I was discussing an outing with Dick. He gave me two choices, The Royal Wedding or the Cherry Blossom Festival in DC. I’ve already seen the cherry blossoms. In fact, we both got sloshed one night and I woke up under a cherry tree, the one nearest the Potomac, waterlogged with a horrible headache. Dick went to London yesterday, from Toronto with a young male stripper, keeping up his end of the bargain.”

“So, you think harassing The Lord Chamberlain with another Lord Peel is going to get you out of a trip to DC? What have you been smoking?”

Just then, the phone rang. It was Scotland Yard. They had arrested Uncle Dick in London for lewd behavior on a street corner and wanted to know in which village he belonged:

© 2011, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Friday, February 25, 2011

Toga, Toga, Toga!

Join me tonight at the Pump Up Your Book’s February 2011 Facebook Party where I will be giving away a copy of Sitting on Cold Porcelain!

Here are the details:

What: Pump Up Your Book’s February 2011 Facebook Party

When: 9 – 11 p.m. eastern time (adjust to your time zone)

Where: Facebook Virtual Book Tour Party

Please read the instructions on the party page to find out how to join, what authors are participating and what prizes will be given away.

See you there!


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

A Book and a Chat

Tonight at 6:30 PM EST, you can tune into BlogTalkRadio and listen to my half-hour interview with Barry Eva on his show “A Book and a Chat.” It is a call in show, so please participate, if you can.

Free MP3 Download

This is part of my two-month virtual book tour with Pump Up Your Book.

Then, on Friday night, February 25th, you are cordially invited to an exciting Facebook party with 10 authors, including me, who are also participating in the Pump Up Your Book virtual tour. The festivities begin at 9:00 PM EST. If you have a Facebook account, please "Like" the group page Pump Up Your Book Party. Then, you will be able to chat online with us.

Please join the fun. Thanks in advance.

Sitting on Cold Porcelain is available at, Barnes and Noble online, Better World Books, and the order desk of your local book store. Electronically, you can order it for your Kindle, Nook, and other eBook readers. Autographed copies are available here at Rosie Renegade Humor Blog. You can also get the blog at the Kindle Store.

© 2011, Valenta, All rights reserved.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Mark Your Calendar - You Are Invited!

This is turning out to be an exciting week. On Tuesday, February 22nd, at 6:30 PM EST, I have a live call-in interview with Barry Eva on BlogTalkRadio’s “A Book and a Chat.” I hope you can join us for a fun half-hour. Click here for details BlogTalkRadio

On Friday night, February 25th, we are having a Facebook party with other authors on the Pump Up Your Book Virtual Book Tour. If you have a Facebook account, click on this link and “like” the group page. You will then be able to chat with us. Festivities begin at 9:00 PM EST until 11:00 PM - Pump Up Your Book Party . You can ask questions during each author’s segment and will have a fun time.

My book Sitting on Cold Porcelain is available at, Barnes and Noble, Better World Books, the order desk of your local bookstore, and some public libraries. If your local library does not carry it yet, ask them to order a copy from the publisher, Xlibris. I made autographed copies available here on my website (see the left panel). There has been a large number of Kindle and Nook users requesting the book, so it is available in electronic format, as well. Click here to order it from The Kindle Store, or at Barnes and Noble’s Nook Store.

On April 1st, I have another BlogTalkRadio interview scheduled with Giovanni Gelati at 7:00 PM EST. Giovanni publishes the popular Gelati’s Scoop and my book is among the “Top 25 Self-Published Books for 2010” on his website. Click here for details - Gelati's Scoop on BlogTalkRadio

Please attend these events, relax, and enjoy yourself in the comfort of your own home. We will all have a great time!


Thursday, February 17, 2011

Another Day in the Life of a Humor Columnist

If you have been following my Sitting on Cold Porcelain virtual book tour that started on Monday, January 3rd, you will be pleased to know that the “Hot Author” interview made both the National Society of Newspaper Columnists (NSNC) and Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop February newsletters.

Click here to read it INTERVIEW

Last week, I was thrilled to be among the top 10 semi-finalists for the Robert Benchley Society Award for Humor. The finalists are listed on the website - Robert Benchley Society News . The winner is Mike Tuck of Eden Prairie, Minnesota. Congratulations, Mike! Click here for details: Robert Benchley Society.

"We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born." ~ Robert Benchley.

Today, an interview at Beyond the Books.

On Februray 22 and April 1st, I have a live interviews scheduled on BlogTalk Radio, details to follow. Stay tuned.

You can view my entire virtual book tour schedule here - Sitting on Cold Porcelain Book Tour . I posted several guest columns on different sites with live links on the tour schedule.

I want to thank all of you, who have been kind enough to visit the tour sites and leave comments. Enjoy the left-over Valentine treats - You rock!


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Dysfunctional Relationships and Bedlam!

If you love to laugh, you need to read “It’s All Relative Two Families, Three Dogs, 34 Holidays, and 50 Boxes of Wine (A Memoir)” by Wade Rouse. It was released on February 1st by Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc. It is a compilation of hilarious essays that will have you ROTFYAO.

In his fourth book, Wade tackles family life and holidays and brings out the best in his dysfunctional and eccentric relatives. We all have them, right? Wade says that “Family is the gift that keeps on giving, no matter how much we wish they would stop.”

All of the holidays throughout the year are represented, even Swedish Day and a Pez Collector’s National Convention. My favorite is an essay where Wade and Gary meet up with a neighbor from hell and begin to fight over relationships and appropriate anniversary presents. Then, Wade tries to buy a new Honda Pilot from someone, who smells like Paloma Picasso, because it happens to be a “steel” (11th) anniversary in “So, a Gift Card to Trader Joe’s Isn’t Romantic?” His self-depreciating humor is priceless!

Wade Rouse is the critically acclaimed author of three other memoirs, America’s Boy, At Least in the City Someone Would Hear Me Scream, and Confessions of a Prep School Mommy Handler. He is a journalist and essayist whose articles have appeared in numerous regional and national publications. He contributed to the humorous essay collection about working in the retail industry, The Customer Is Always Wrong: The Retail Chronicles. This book was featured prominently on NPR and in The Wall Street Journal and includes pieces from other noted authors. He also taught a writing class to humorists at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop 2010. I attended his class and was amazed at his ability to get people to write about fear. I’m not talking Freddy Krueger or Michael Moore movies here, where people get chopped up or the government confiscates your first born child on celluloid; I’m talking the real deal. As a humorist, Wade believes that humor writers need to first write about and get rid of fear and inhibitions, find their “inner voice,” then get funny.

He was sneaky about it too. “What are you afraid of?” he asked, smiling. “Okay, now write that down.”

The class thinking it was a private exercise that we needed to do for ourselves, spilled our guts for 20 minutes on paper, hoping to burn it before ditching it somewhere near the University of Dayton’s incinerator.

So, what happens? Professor Rouse makes us read it out loud to the whole class! I coughed, and my inner voice squeaked “I have to go to the bathroom.” It was very similar to a Kathy Bates scene in “Fried Green Tomatoes.” You remember the one, before she became Towanda.

The Washington Post describes Wade as “An original writer and impressive new voice.” I can describe him as fascinating, funny, and talented. He has a great gift. You absolutely need to put this book on your “must read” list.

Wade is a graduate of Drury University and has a master’s from Northwestern’s Medill School of Journalism. He lives near the coast of Lake Michigan with his partner, Gary, and their beloved mutts, Marge and Mable.

You can contact Wade and learn more about his books via his website, Tell him Rosie sent you.