Tuesday, July 17, 2012

This Week at Stupid Ass Questions

Image Copyright: Stupidassquestions.com, all rights reserved

This week I am the guest comedienne at Stupid Ass Questions

If you have any stupid ass questions, you can submit them on the website. I will be answering one each day, Monday to Friday. I know you have a few brilliant questions up your sleeve, so go for it!

Also follow me on Twitter: @rosevalenta
and Facebook: Rose A. Valenta

Have fun!

Friday, July 6, 2012

July Fourth Weekend: Freedom From Stress

by Rose A. Valenta

Why would anyone want to get into this mess on their day off?

News stories are cropping up all over the Internet about the fluxuation in the price of gasoline and how people are scaling back on trips and vacations for economic reasons. This weekend thousands of folks will be hitting the shore thinking that they have economized by not going to some exotic place like Hawaii or Aruba.

Why go anywhere?

Maybe it was my upbringing or being married to a Philadelphia Policeman for 20 years, who usually had to work on holidays, but I have gotten rather used to avoiding mob scenes and traffic as much as possible. Finances have very little to do with that. I even go to the supermarket during off-peak hours, who needs the lines and the stress? I can buy hot dog and hamburger buns more efficiently at 10:00 PM and there will only be one person ahead of me at check out.

Every day, I travel to the office for an hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic. I have a whole audio book collection to relieve the stress. Public radio doesn’t broadcast the good shows like Garrison Keillor, Car Talk, and You Bet Your Garden during rush hour, shame on them. So, I pop in an audio book and listen to great American history novels like Having Our Say: The Delany Sisters’ First 100 Years, or the entire Earth’s Children Series in 21 Days and enjoy myself.

One day, I was laughing so hard at a remark Bessie Delany said about some smelly drunken white guy (my sentiments exactly), that tears were rolling down my face as I paid the toll on the Turnpike.

“You Okay today?” the guy asked.

“Yeah, I’m glad I’m not riding Bessie's train,” I answered.

He laughed and looked at me over the top of his trifocales (cash, cars, and 18-wheelers) checking my pupils and the back seat for drugs.

Another day, I was listening to motivational speaker, Loretta LaRoche’s “Lighten Up,” where she tells people to chill and feel juicy.

“How are you today?” the same toll taker asked.

“I feel juicy!” I responded.

A few minutes later, not being quite sure if my remark could be misconstrued as sexual harassment, I glanced in my rear-view mirror checking for troopers.

When my husband was on active duty, we usually celebrated holidays on his days off. Our schedule was far from normal. Sometimes, we celebrated July 4th on the 9th, Labor Day the weekend after, but every four years, we managed to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas when everyone else did. People wondered why I would cook a turkey on the Saturday following the holiday.

“Are you Jehovah’s Witness?”

“Didn’t you get enough last week?” they would ask.

Long story short, I rather liked missing all the holiday traffic and crowds; my husband’s dangerous job had its perks after all.

Many people don't understand this because most women don't send their husband off to work with a brief case full of directives, handcuffs, and a .38 caliber handgun; hoping he doesn't end up in the ER before dinner is ready and the smoke detector sets off the fire alarm.

This week, even though my husband is no longer on active duty, we decided to stay home, rest, and watch TV. He always likes to put the traffic report on and say a prayer of thanks that we are not in the middle of the mess trying to remain calm with St. Joseph's Wort, Snapple, and an audio edition of Dave Barry. It is sort of our way of celebrating the Declaration of Independence away from tourism and insanity. They broadcast fireworks on cable and I have a CD with Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overature. I can mute the TV and combine the two. Plus, I'm thankful to have him home safe.

This year, we bought sparklers to take to the Grandchildren on July 8th and we are having a family cookout without the stress of holiday traffic.

God Bless America and happy July 4th weekend everyone!

© 2012, Valenta, All rights reserved.
To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Monday, July 2, 2012

Martin McGuinness Reports Ireland's ‘Scarlet Pimpernel’

by Rose A. Valenta

Former IRA Commander, Martin McGuinness, has confirmed he discussed Prawo Jazdy during his meeting with the Queen of England. Apparently, Her Majesty was pleased that Ireland’s most famous scofflaw, Prawo Jazdy, has been uncovered thanks to top-notch detective work and McGuinness' assistance.

Thousands of traffic tickets and warrants have been issued to Prawo Jazdy all over Ireland from County Donegal to County Cork. A leprechaun with psychic powers was called in from Tipperary to assist police (Garda Síochána) in finding this mobile criminal, who thumbed his nose at the law.

Was it a Prawo Jazdy gang, much like the Scarlet Pimpernel of olden times?

Jazdy blew traffic lights in County Kilhenny, ran over a farm animal in neighboring Waterford, kicked up a puddle of mud on an elderly woman in Dublin, and threw glass bottles out the window near Carlow Castle.

All points’ bulletins were issued and the Garda was ready to kiss the blarney stone if it wasn’t more than one man.

The Garda’s database was filling up fast and the Garda Commissioner was suffering from stress and stomach disorder. He even made rookies watch Speedy Gonzales cartoons, in the hopes of finding a clue.

“Who can drive like that and live?” asked Patty McGuire, a local pub owner in Dublin.

Then one night Garda Michael O’Brian happened to read an article in the Irish Independent newspaper that gave statistics on the number of Polish immigrants coming to Ireland. One guy, Stanislas Podlawski, a recent immigrant was interviewed. He told of how difficult it was to get his prawo jazdy changed in Ireland.

Well, when Michael saw that, he called the newspaper reporter right away for some answers!

He learned that “prawo jazdy” means “driving license” in Polish. The words are usually positioned on the driving document where first and last names normally appear on Irish licenses.

Rookie, William Mulligan, was relieved of his Speedy Gonzales duty; and the Garda Commissioner was informed.

A Garda directive was issued throughout Ireland that instructed Garda not to put “Prawo” and “Jazdy” as the first and last name on traffic tickets when pulling over a Polish driver.

This is the Alpha and Omega of buffoons and database cleanup took several weeks.

"Well done!" Her Majesty said.

Martin McGuinness and the Queen shook hands.

© 2012, Valenta, All rights reserved.
To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here