Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Police Cadets Warned not to Order the Spaghetti alla Puttanesca

On Monday, 166 cadets graduated from the Philadelphia Police Academy. The week before they graduated, they were indoctrinated into the "Steer Straight" program.

A journalist I know sat in on a few of those sessions. The "Steer Straight" program is designed to educate rookies on how not to get jammed up at work. They were shown videos on what not to do during a high-speed chase or during an arrest, and other situations that could result in dismissal.

Cadets were shown a horrific video titled "Bad Cop" of an officer in Oakland, CA, shooting and fatally wounding a man as he was being held down on a train platform by another officer, who looked like Billy Bob Thornton, and a midget.

“You don’t want to get derailed like that,” they were told.

"It takes one slip to lose everything you've worked so hard for," said Inspector Cynthia Dorsey, head of the internal affairs division.

Veteran officers also warned of mafia tactics and what is known as “Trolling for Jamook.”

“These guys set you up. They get a bad cop to take you to an Italian restaurant. One of the specials is Spaghetti alla Puttanesca. If you order the Puttanesca, you’re screwed.”

“Don’t threaten any Starbucks employees for some free Caramel Frappuccino®” they were warned.

"Don't even think about privacy," District Attorney Lynne Abraham told them. "You are going to have to remember that everybody is watching you."

The Philadelphia Police Department has 6,700 officers. It is the nation's fourth largest force, following New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Hogwarts bully ‘Crabbe’ Nabbed in London

Jamie Waylett, the actor who plays Crabbe, the scapegoat of Slytherin House, in the Harry Potter movie series, has been busted for growing a small cannabis farm in his bedroom.

Waylett, age 19, and a friend (not Draco Malfoy) were cruising rather suspiciously in an Audi around Westminster in Central London. Police spotted him driving like he was avoiding a Whomping Willow tree.

When the police pulled him over and searched the car, they found eight bags of illegal cannabis.

They then raided his home and seized a dozen mature cannabis plants in his room that were growing under hydroponic lights next to his PlayStation. A game called Ball Breakers was on at the time. The plants were valued at around £2,000.

The actor lives in Camden, North London.

Jamie Waylett has appeared with Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, and Rupert Grint in all of the popular Harry Potter films. The latest film, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince,” is being released on July 15th.

There once was a character named Crabbe.
In the back Harry Potter would stab.
It was all about pot,
but there's no second shot,
14 years in the slammer, not fab.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

PETA Accuses Obama of War Crime

The group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) wants our President to demonstrate a more humane attitude towards flies, the next time one bothers him while he is on the job as a public servant.

Apparently, they were appalled when Obama killed a fly during a television interview this week.

Read News Article

PETA suggested deporting any future White House flies to Guantanamo Bay, as it is closed and would be a safe haven for these insects. Besides, they find it horrendous to think that any American would actually kill a fly, who might also be that missing fellow from New York, Jeff Goldblum. You remember him, a fly got into his Telepod. Anyway, he flew off sometime around 1988 or 1989 and hasn’t been seen since. PETA has also been looking for heirs.

PETA cited that the flies serve a useful purpose and there is also a place for all their asses in Austin, TX, where they are used to control fire ants. It also suggested that the President of the United States, as well as the companies that own crop dusters and trucks used to control flies and mosquitoes should be charged with inhumane war crimes.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Trend Hunter Magazine Rocks!

Where do you go when you want to read about the latest and greatest trends in technology, fashion, sex, pop culture, celebrities, advertising, business, going “Green”, art and design, life, luxury, science, and the bizarre?

Every techno geek in the universe would direct you to Trend Hunter Magazine. Plus, its affiliate Trend Hunter TV. They have taken the Internet by storm!

According to the magazine editors, Trend Hunter has “6-8 million monthly views and is the world's largest, most popular trend community, fueled by a global network of 26,000 members. It is a source of inspiration for industry professionals, aspiring entrepreneurs and the insatiably curious.”

Every day, Trend Hunter provides a wide variety of micro-trends, viral news, and pop culture.

I was looking at the “Hot” articles of the day and found in the top 10, Cartoon Celebellishments, Bushy Signatures, Luxury Lawnmowers, Movie Wardrobe Upgrades, Giant Bubblegum Sculptures, Revamped RetroKicks, Amphibious Automobiles, Microscopic Villages, Magazine T=Shirtorials, and Fringed Frocks.

If you are on the cutting edge of cool, you can become a Trend Hunter yourself and contribute articles to the magazine.

In a recent article by Trish Tucknott “Human Belly Branding,” I learned that the new fad involves scarring in lieu of tattoos.

In Bianca Bartz’ “80 Things You Can Get For Free” I found out about marketers, who give away freebees like vacation packages, food, and botox and boob jobs.

Everything you need to know is in Trend Hunter Magazine - Check it out:

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Flush Puppy - Dino’s Predicament

A four-year old boy from England was gifted a one week old puppy. The cute little Cocker Spaniel is named “Dino,” after the man who rescued him from a drainage ditch a short distance from the owner’s house.

It all started after a terrific lunch for two – a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and puppy chow. As mom left the room, the two new friends were happily eating and sniffing at each other.

“Mommy Mommy!” the boy’s mother noticed the inflection of an emergency. Her son also has two turtles, a lizard, and a cat, all of whom have found the inside of the loo at one time or another for various reasons unknown to adults.

“The puppy just went down the toilet as I was washing his paws!”

The puppy was nowhere to be found even when mom opened the manhole cover out in front of the house. The boy made puppy whine sounds down in the sewer pipe, which echoed in the tube much like Moaning Myrtle from the Harry Potter Series, hoping for a response.

None was forthcoming.

Alarmed, the mother called the fire department. The video below shows Dino’s predicament (you can view more videos at www.reuters.com):

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Sly Fox Lifts Louis Vuittons

In the small western town of Foehren, Germany over 100 designer shoes have been reported stolen. The thief favors Louis Vuitton, Steve Madden, Manolo Blahnik, and Gucci shoes.

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The perpetrator turned out to be a fox.

A forest worker accidentally stumbled upon the stash of stolen property near the fox’s den and called police.

"There was everything from ladies' shoes to trainers," said a spokesperson from the local police. "We've found between 110 and 120 so far. It seems the vixen stole them for her cubs to play with."

I did some research and there is no FoxToys R US in the area and two of the cubs are teething.

Since the thief had no ID, police booked the animal as Imelda Markos Fox. She was tagged and sent back into the wild. The device that is attached to her has a built-in alarm that will sound every time she tries to steal shoes.

The cubs didn’t beat up the stolen merchandise too badly, as the shoes were returned to their rightful owners unharmed and intact. Although one pair of Gucci with 6" heels looked much like a gnawed ham bone.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Economic Fallout - The Week in Review

The US economy is getting so bad that the five mafia families are laying off senators and judges.

The Mexican Peso is up on word that a whole truck load of Polacks got caught sneaking into Mexico last week. Investors are forecasting a boon in ancho goĊ‚abkis and Emmeril Podlawski is opening a Cajun/Polish-style restaurant in Tijuana.

Just last week, the El Dorado Gift Shop at 1332 Revolution Avenue, was giving away tourist coupons to the famous Krakow Cotton Club; as well as travel brochures describing all the other famous hot-spots in Poland.

In Italy, Chrysler and Fiat have completed the deal that will leave Fiat owning 20% of the new Chrysler Group. In America, the same company is belly-up, defunct, sconfitto, poof!

In the Middle East, a war of words between two political rivals in Iran was reduced to some juicy language. Many variations of obscene gestures and "Jad showere" (up yours) intensified, only two days before the presidential elections.

Congress has been investigating Bernard Madoff. Great! The guy who took $50 billion and pulled a David Copperfield, making it disappear is being investigated by the same group of people, who made $750 billion disappear.

Many people are now trying to find the stash:

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Hungry an Hour Later? Try The Rattlesnake Chicken

You can forget the standard entrees that you normally find on Chinese Restaurant menus, such as foo young, lo mien, spring rolls (a.k.a egg rolls), wonton, firecracker beef, steamed fish, and suey. These are the dishes that make you hungry within an hour after you eat.

Gourmet chefs in the southern province of Guangdong, near Chongqing, have invented a meal comprised of chickens, which have first been bitten to death by poisonous snakes. The meal is detoxing, but doesn't leave you hungry either.

Read News Article

This unnamed dish has gone underground in some establishments, just like our previous VP, to a secret undisclosed location, until some adventurous soul wishes to sample the delicacy.

At the Gourmet Wok, you don't need to speak Chinese to order the entree. When your server arrives at your table, just smile, bow slightly, and say "hisssssssss."

Some customers are even allowed to witness the entire process, from rattlesnake to cock-pot. It tends to mellow the appetite.

They would not allow the process video to be uploaded on YouTube, but you can access it at this URL:


Of course, animal rights activists in China are upset about the new dish, but then where were they when my cat was kidnapped in the back alley of the Peking Moon?

Monday, June 1, 2009

Britain’s Got Talent – Street Dancers ‘Diversity’ Win!

These are the three winners of the Britain’s Got Talent Show. Diversity got the most votes, followed by favorite, Susan Boyle, and Julian Smith. All will have lucrative careers thanks to their fantastic performances.

Diversity spoofed the show in its act, incorporating the three red buttons that the judges use to vote people out. Susan belted out a much better rendition of “I Dreamed a Dream,” while Julian Smith performed a meticulous sax solo of “Somewhere” from West Side Story.

After the show, two runners up were up-chucking in the thames, while Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan were treated with mojitos and then released from The Black Friar Pub for being drunk and disorderly; Cowell was also loud and boisterously threatening to run for Prime Minister.

There was not enough staff at the local loony bin to lock up all the customers, who were dropping the "F" bomb over at the Friars club when Julian lost, so they were all fed a spot of French Roast and told to go home and sleep it off.

Piers was last seen running away from the police on his high-speed Segway PT Cruiser. Flames were shooting out the back and several Bobbies on bicycles suffered minor injuries. Stavros Flatley was frantically bringing up the rear: