Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Plowing Naked in Banke Bazaar

The young women of Banke Bazaar, India are plowing the fields naked to embarrass the Weather Gods, so that they will send monsoon rains.

“This is the most trusted social custom in the area and the villagers have vowed to continue this practice until it rains very heavily," a spokesperson said.

The paparazzi, on the other hand, were hoping for a draught, as they were making $1,000 a shot for the Tabloids.

News Article

Naked wonders of all shapes and sizes danced in the fields after sun down and and chanted ancient hymns to invoke the Weather Gods.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Michael Jackson’s Nose Lifted From Morgue

Steven King will love this story, as it is the epitome of macabre.

Someone actually stole Michael Jackson’s prosthetic nose from his surgically mangled face at the LA morgue.

After the theft, all that remained in its place was a small dark hole surrounded by particles of cartilage.

Apparently, Rolling Stone magazine has pictures of the singer’s body on the autopsy table sans nose.

What will happen to the nose?

Probably, there will be a proliferation of prosthetic noses for sale on eBay. Insiders say that already, a factory in Beijing, China, has designed a knock-off mold and is offering to drop-ship the noses to eBay buyers.

The real nose will probably be fenced to a rich collector for $10 million and be displayed in a Thriller Armoir.

Detectives at the LAPD said that Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, might be a person of interest in the theft.

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Saturday, July 25, 2009

Celebrity Groundhog’s Mistress Murdered in New Jersey

Punxsutawney Phil and his girlfriend, Petunia, were enjoying a romp out of state in Boonton, NJ, when the owner barged in with a private investigator and a Hasselblad H3DII-50 camera to catch them in the act.

Apparently, Mrs. Punxsutawney was suspicious when Phil left their home late Sunday evening in search of clover and didn’t return. It is almost hibernation time and she was getting low on roots, bulbs, tubers, and seeds. She sought the help of a private investigator when she found long gray hairs on the alfalfa stash in their tunnel that wasn’t hers.

When confronted in the illicit love nest, Petunia went into a jealous rage and became violent, attacking a local police officer, who was called to the scene. He pepper-sprayed her in the face. Mrs. Punxsutawney reported that Petunia had rabies (which was a bold face lie), and Petunia was euthanized and her remains sent to the state health department for rabies testing.

Members of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club bribed the couple with food to reconcile before hibernation time, so that they can hold the annual Groundhog Day celebration in Pennsylvania next February.

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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Naked Cowboy Runs Against Bloomberg in the Big Apple

Today, Robert John Burck II, The Naked Cowboy, will be kicking off his campaign against incumbent, Michael R. Bloomberg, at a press conference in Parsippany, NJ.

His qualifications to run for New York City Mayor include being a resident of the city for over 10 years, evading police, as he prances around improving Times Square, posing for photos with tourists, wearing nothing but his cowboy hat, tighty-whitie Funpals, boots and a big smile. He will offer voters a stimulus plan for small businesses.

Mayor Bloomberg’s platform includes the reactivation of Brooklyn's working waterfront with his "Sunset Park Waterfront Vision Plan." However, he doesn’t plan on prancing around the docks in his jockey shorts and bear market ticker tapes.

Both candidates seem a little bullish.

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“No one knows how to do more with less than yours truly, and that’s the kind of thinking I plan on sharing with my fellow New Yorkers when you elect me,” Burck told the media.

No one knows who will run for Police Commissioner on The Naked Cowboy's ticket, but we are sure that the campaign has already been launched:

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Minnesota Man Has Unusual Fetish

Police in Duluth, MN, are seeking a perpetrator, who has been sneaking into gyms and sports facilities to slash exercise balls.

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The man has been on a local wanted list since May 2009. Police know who he is, since he was arrested once before for similar crimes.

The last time he was brought before a magistrate, he told police that “he slashed the rubber balls to satisfy a sexual urge.”

Insiders claim that he is unusually attracted to inflatable exercise devices.

He hired Denny Crane from “Boston Legal” as his attorney when he found out that Denny won a similar case defending a guy, who got off pinching hostas.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Wieners Declare Mutiny

Its barbecue season and hundreds of wieners declared mutiny on an Oscar Mayer truck headed for a wienie roast in Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin. As a result, the truck crashed into the deck and garage of a home, freeing over 1,000 hostages.

After 6 boxes of frozen buttondogs iced the driver, 250 wieners wearing t-shirts hit the streets of Wisconsin with picket signs encouraging people to eat bologna. None of them were arrested for indecent exposure.

“Ban The Foot-Long,” one t-shirt read.

“If you are really in love with us, you’d eat bologna.”

“Grills and Hot Mustard Burn.”

“Oscar Mayer Has a Way With B-O-L-O-G-N-A."

“Hot Dogs Suck.”

“Clog Your Arteries, only $3.00.”

Friday, July 17, 2009

Pianist Pope Benedict XVI Breaks Wrist

Pope Benedict XVI has been on vacation in the tiny village of Les Combes in the Valle d'Aosta region of Italy near the French border for the past week.

He has been relaxing in the Italian Alps and doing his absolute favorite thing – playing classical music on the piano at his chalet.

Yesterday, he fell in his bedroom and broke his wrist. He did hit a sour note while playing Palestrina the evening before, and the neighbors were complaining about the echo.

Vatican sources said that he underwent successful surgery this morning at Umberto Parini hospital.

He was not in much pain, but very disappointed that his piano wrist is out of commission.

Inside sources are not sure if the Pope will be performing a duet with the Archbishop of Canterbury anytime soon.

Two local pianists think they have solved the problem:

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Dear Sir or Madman

In a recent news article for Reuters, Nina Lex and Janet Guttsman claim that the most common mistakes people make on resumes and cover letters include "Dear Sir or Madman", "I'm attacking my resume for you to review", "Following is a grief overview of my skills" and "I have a keen eye for derail.”

While most of us are diligent in editing our resumes, often asking friends to take a look before sending it out to companies or recruiters, some of us are really piss-poor spellers and so are our family members and friends.

Since most hiring managers and executives would not hire anyone with a single typo, you can’t ask your 90-year-old relative, who has been sitting around watching Lawrence Welk and Gomer Pile reruns all day, to proof read it for you.

"Son, lookee here, this here list is missing an 'a.' You know, a one ana two..."

In these difficult economic times you have to land the job. So, if you can’t spell everything on your grocery shopping list or rely on spell checker to get the job done right; but have a great loyal friend, who gives wallbangers a new meaning; more drastic measures can be taken:

Thursday, July 9, 2009

British Scientists Produce Human Sperm from Stem Cells

A group of researchers from Newcastle University in Great Britain have produced human sperm in a laboratory.

Professor Karim Nayernia, the lead scientist, confirms that the artificially created sperm can swim and swirl just like natural sperm and offer the same functionality, but without the distress of being blindsided and launched out of their happy home at 100 mph into the vast unknown in search of a microscopic target, without a road atlas.

You have to ask yourself, why?

You would think that this is frivolous research and a waste of money, since we have been spending billions of dollars trying to avoid the little buggers via birth control in the first place, but scientists insist that this could be the breakthrough in the treatment of male infertility and will be available within five to 10 years.

There are two basic types of sperm: “spermatozoon” (sounds Italian, yes?), or those that bother to swim; and “spermatium,” those without a remote control, and are too lazy to swim. Just like members of the Italian mafia, the spermatium are more likely to have to hit the mattresses.

You have to feel sorry for sperm, you know? There is no activist group, that I know of looking out for their best interest, like a Habitat for the Humane Treatment of Sperm. After all, they only have about 48 hours to live after launch, not enough time to party or go to Disney World. Plus, you can't recruit them as part of your gang in Mafia Wars on Facebook.

If you could hear them communicate, the conversation would probably sound much like the dialog in “Cannonball Run” - a last ditch effort:

“We've got a secret weapon. God is our co-pilot!”

“My swimming is rivaled only by the lightning bolts from the heavens!”

“An ice cream truck! Yeah, an ice cream truck! Y'know, they gotta get there before it melts!”

“How long before we stop?”
“Forty-eight hours! “
“Da-D-Damn! I gotta go to the john!”

“Hookers, man! Where the hookers?”

“Evel Knievel, you've got yourself some competition!”

“If we were Methodists we'd have a good shot at gettin' laid”

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Monday, July 6, 2009

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin - Bad Dobby!

President Obama is scheduled to meet with Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and President Dmitry Medvedev to discuss NATO, human rights, and Georgia.

Obama’s primary pet peeve regarding Putin is represented in his statements to the Associated Press -Putin needs to "understand that the Cold War approach to U.S.-Russian relationship is outdated" and Putin has "one foot in the old ways of doing business."

Putin (a.k.a. Dobby) allegedly has been pulling his old KGB tactics as far as Georgia is concerned. Last November, the European Broadcasting Union (EBU) informed Georgian public broadcasting (GPB) that the lyrics of their song, “We Don't Wanna Put In” by Stephanie and 3G, would not be appropriate for the 54th Eurovision Song Contest and did not comply with the rules of the competition, which banned political statements. Pressure from Putin was blamed for disqualifying the group.

Bad Dobby!

Pundints have advised Medvedev to give Putin an old sock.

Here is what the performance would have looked like:

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Over-Sexed Rugsuckers from Argentina

Lorena Bobbitt had a dream, so she contacted Jenny Sanford. The two ladies met in what staffers called “a private conference.” Lorena has been involved in teaching anger management classes and has been quite successful in helping people replace irrational behavior with assertiveness.

Later, on an anonymous tip, our cameraman went to a secret undisclosed location in North Carolina, several hundred miles away from the scene of the conference. You’ll have to excuse the date stamp on the video, it was really June 27th.

Campaign staffers are still trying to determine whose balls are in this video, but scientists are amazed, stating that each one has independent brain and Sertoli cells, but apparently, only one train of thought.

The Governor of South Carolina allegedly had his package "out of town on personal business."