Thursday, October 30, 2008

Philadelphia Phillies Claim World Series Title

It took 28 years for the Phillies to take the World Series Championship; they did it with a 4-3 win over the Tampa Bay Rays!

South Philadelphia fans went nuts as Brad Lidge and the Phillies took out the Rays in a three-inning game, which had been suspended due to weather conditions. It is the first victory since 1980 for the Phillies and the end of the alleged Billy Penn curse.

Tens of thousands of fans were celebrating in the streets, as South Broad Street was closed to traffic all evening. Seventy six arrests later, Police Commissioner, Charles H. Ramsey, was overheard saying "I got a touch of a hangover, don't push me," in response to a fan yelling "Where's the whiskey Mr. Mclin?"

Mrs. Giordano took off her usual black mourning attire for the occasion and wore a long red dress by Target. She was so excited over at Mama Mia's that she took the "evil eye" off of the Ray's Evan Longoria free of charge. Philly Cheesesteaks were on the house.

"Hey Vito, looka Joe Maddon, he looka just like that guy, Spencer Tracy, alone ina his boat," she said.

Vito Salerno took pity on Joe Maddon after he found out that the Rays got thrown out of their hotel after the last game was postponed and they had to find accommodations at a stable in Wilmington, Delaware. The fans had everything else booked within a 100-mile radius.

Vito bought Joe a few boiler makers, broke out his Castiglione, and sang O Solo Mio.

Mayor Nutter is telling fans, who are planning to call out sick from work, to wait until Friday. The World Series Parade is expected to begin at noon on Friday, at 20th and Market Sts. and will end back at the Sports Complex.

"You can be joyous, but you can't be a jackass," he told news reporters. I think he was referring to media behavior at the parade.


Monday, October 27, 2008

Tampa Bay Rays in South Philly

After the World Series Game last night, the Tampa Bay Rays stopped at Mama Mia’s for a bite to eat. They have to eat somewhere, right? Well, they went to South Philly - another mistake!

The Phillies’ cheering section was in full swing, while Evan Longoria and Carlos Pena of the Rays were out kicking hub caps and looking for Mrs. Giordano to remove the "evil eye" for tonight’s game.

Mrs. Giordano is a well-known South Philly levatrice and moloch doctor. Her evil eye removal kit consists of a small bowl, water, and olive oil. When she's not working her magic, she sits and watches FoxNews and gives the evil eye to Bill O'Reilly. She bloviates in Italian "ou gatsa!" (Italian equivalent to the Numa Numa Guy).

Cliff Floyd, the Ray’s hitter, was wearing combat boots inside Mama Mia’s. He wanted an excuse to kick butt before returning to Tampa. “We don’t like getting embarrassed,” he said. “This was an embarrassment in the sense we’re in their park, their fans are getting on you and you don’t want to go out like that.”

Dioner Navarro, the Ray’s pitcher was practicing behind the counter tossing pizza dough while Longoria was swinging at it before it hit the floor. Outfielder, Carl Crawford, was at the ready, in case he missed. “My plan is to just keep swinging. You can’t go out there and think you’re coming out of a slump,” Longoria said. “I just have to stick with my routine.”

“What bothers me is we lose a couple of games, and people talk like we’ve got the worst team ever,” Floyd said. “This team is just going through a tough period. ... But we’ve been down before. We know we can come back.”

Manager Joe Maddon was over talking to Vito Salerno, who was making pizza. Joe was asking Vito to take it easy on Longoria.

Vito gave him the Arm ‘n Hammer sign.

"Hey Longo, giva some torque, we needa xtra-large ova here."

Just then, a feathery, green creature from the Galapagos Islands walked in and shook his booty. It was the Phillies Phanatic. He announced to everyone that he was there to knock the Rays off their game, but didn’t have to, he brought his own panino from Chickie's and left, laughing hysterically.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Money Origami – The Value of a Dollar

There are fewer than 60 shopping days until Christmas; the Dow has tumbled, making my 401k look like my first grade statement account with three quarters in it; I traded in my Lincoln Town Car for a Ford Peón; my cat, Rocky Balboa, is on dry food (he balked, but I convinced him he's still in training); I just bought a casserole cookbook featuring vegetarian and bean dishes; I sent away for a “Mix and Match” mail order catalog; and yet all the financial geniuses are in denial. They are still calling it a “recession,” when we all know this past week’s rise is only a dead cat bounce. It’s been non-stop “black Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.”

Alan Greenspan was tried and convicted in the media last week, but he pleaded “not guilty,” and did better than "Frankie Five Angels" before Congress. "This crisis, however, has turned out to be much broader than anything I could have imagined," he testified. Where, Frankie Five Angels alluded to "I was in the olive oil business...and I don't know nuttin about that."

My grandson has taken to wearing dark vampire glasses and a Ninja suit to the candy store, and Grandma Russo has been liquidating her gold fillings.

You can get a seat at Seafood Shack at 6:00 pm on Fridays. The hostess no longer gloats, directs you to a chair, and hands you a vibrator when you say you didn’t make a reservation. The waitresses constantily interrupt to ask "is everything OK?" 30 additional times during your meal, hoping for the extra quarter; and the Red Hat Ladies are staying home cooking red and purple gumbo.

All the ladies in my auxiliary still want to smack Martha for Christmas, but they have also come up with some ingenious gift ideas – Money Origami, "It's a good thing."

It’s amazing what you can create for $1. Take for instance this sculpture called “Value of a dollar”:

You can check out all the neat money origami’s you can make at DeviantART.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Preparation H… er, Proposition K

It has been reported in the media that the State of California is trying to legalize prostitution. It is already adding “Proposition K” to the November ballot.

Proposition K, would decriminalize the oldest profession. However, in reality, prostitution isn’t the oldest profession, motherhood is, followed by government, you know, the legalized mafia?

Legalizing the hooker industry will pose many more problems. For instance, will we all have to pay extra to our respective HMOs for penicillin? How about the elected officials, who will be charging the taxpayers for “Travel and Expense” to San Francisco?

I posed the question to some of my friends at the local coffee shop in South Philadelphia’s Italian market district:

“Hey, if they do that, Louie ‘the Creep’ will be out of business.” One of them said. “That’s discriminating against the small business establishment, you know?”

“Yeah, and what will Harry ‘the Hun’ do Friday nights?” another guy yelled out. “They’ll have half the precinct busy keeping him from accosting people on Washington Avenue, cause he don't want no receipt.”

Sammy the butcher stopped in for some cappuccino and overheard some of the conversation. “What my daughter has to get a real job?” he asked.

Mrs. Giordano was not amused and threatened to call in The Sons of Italy if they ever put that on the ballot in Pennsylvania.

Vito Salerno wanted to know why they called it “Proposition K” instead of “Preparation H”, because that’s what the politicians should really be using as lipstick. He also brought out a very interesting point about restitution funds:

“Madone, after they leta all a da criminals back ona street, we gonna have to pay froma 10 years ago.”

My cousin from New Jersey was visiting the area and when I asked him, he said "If it brings their rates down I'm for it."

Whata ya gonna do, ey?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

South Carolina Gator Aid

Over 1,500 croc hunters in South Carolina have applied for 1,000 hunting licenses to kill pesky alligators. The critters have been causing havoc in local swimming pools, ditches, culverts, and back yards.

The kicker for most local residents is when they can’t let cats and dogs outside without some hungry gator waiting for a tasty lunch.

There are animal rights activists, who are concerned about whether or not the hunt is humane. While most experts use cross-bows, some inexperienced hunters are wandering into croc country with Colt 45s.

The way I look at it, they should simply sell a license to the Food Network and let Paula Deen or the Iron Chef create some great gator recipes, such as gator dogs, bourbon gator tenderloin, five-spice stir-fried gator with steamed rice.

Chinese recipes would definitely provide a solution to the overpopulation of gators. We could have gator lo mien, sesame gator, gator in garlic sauce, and gator chow mien.

Maybe a new recipe at the Charleston Peking Moon?

Friday, October 17, 2008

Sarah Palin to Guest on Saturday Night Live

This week on “Saturday Night Live(SNL)" Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin is scheduled to appear. The popular show has already parodied Governor Palin using Tina Fey as the character, and has now decided to have Palin make a real appearance.

This week’s show will be hosted by Josh Brolin, who portrays President Bush in Oliver Stone's new movie, "W." Jill Hazelbaker, a Republican campaign spokeswoman, will not divulge what the real Governor Palin will do on the show.

John McCain once hosted SNL and Obama appeared on it once. It is a popular and politically correct stop on the campaign trail.

Back in Little Italy, I asked around the street, “What do you think she will do on SNL?”

Grandma Russo’s friend, Giancana said “Buongiorno, why you give a crap, ey? Nutting will change if she’s a win. I still owe on April 15th, maybe more, now theres gonna be a new Godfather.”

She turned to pay for her cooked Prosciutto, and added “Ma! nexa month, they gonna serve buffalo here, justa like the politicians.”

Her daughter, Maria said “You know she’ll wear lipstick.”

Sammy the butcher put his two cents in that she would go moose hunting wearing a "Sara Barracuda" T-shirt.

Old Mrs. Rizzo said that Sarah should get her "progressive, competitive attitude" over to Esposito's and stimulate the economy. "Never mind SNL!" she said.

Grumpy Harry's was selling Palin-style reading glasses in 125 strength to coke bottle, as if it were a fire sale.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

No License Crimps “Joe the Plumber”

The mainstream media is being true to form again, as they have released the fact that Republican hero, “Joe the Plumber,” a.k.a. Joe Wurzelbacher of Holland, OH, has no plumbing license.

Give the poor guy a break, you know? He’s been fixing outhouses in Holland for less than union rate and it isn’t his fault that Republican, John McCain, and Democrat, Barack Obama, made Joe a household word after the Presidential Debates last night (I’m glad he’s not an under-the-table bartender, just more political collateral damage).

Had it been Joe’s Bar, rather than a local plumbing company, the media would have gotten an ear full.

Do they have CLEP exams for plumbers?

How about a little respect for the average voter?

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Alfonso's Philly Steaks in Dallas

Today, I decided against writing a humor piece and thought you might like to know about a teriffic new Philly-style steak house that has just opened in the suburbs of Dallas, TX.

It is called Alfonso’s and is located at 121 South Main St. in Ferris, TX, just a few miles south east of Dallas on Route 45. It is open Monday through Friday, from 11:00 am to 7:00 pm, and on Saturday from 10:00 am to 3:00 pm.

The food is better than Philly’s own Pat’s and Gino’s, plus the menu has a scrumptious variety of both hot and cold sandwiches.

The steak house is named after the owner’s (Rose Ann and Clint Beatte) grandfather, Alfonso Ulissi, who came to America with his wife Teresa Salerno Ulissi, from San Paolo, Foggia, Italy, in 1918, and settled in the Burlington, NJ, area.

Two other members of the family perfected some of Teresa’s secret family recipes and opened various Italian restaurants in the Philadelphia area during the 1960s. Clint, the youngest grandchild, specializes in Steaks and hoagies the way his grandfather, Alfonso, always enjoyed them.

If you are in the area, you can stop in and order some delicious highly-perfected Philly-style steaks, or call 972-544-2020 for takeout.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Stem Cell Research – Hold on to Your Testicles

According to the folks at journal Nature, cells taken from human testicles can function the same as those taken from embryos, when used in the treatment of Parkinson’s, diabetes, and spinal cord injuries. However, this method only solves half the problem - it only addresses the treatment of men.

There was no comment from scientists regarding how the cells would actually be extracted, ouch, but I suspect that the first human trials will be performed on Republicans. They don't manhandle the truth.

Change is coming; so, don’t be surprised when future Presidential debates are presented in "helium voice."

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Skinny Dipping in Tokyo

Today, October 7th 2008, is a day that will live in infamy. This is the day a gentleman from the U.K. disrobed and went skinny dipping at the Imperial Palace in Tokyo, Japan.

OK, so it wasn’t the Riviera, but how is it that one naked guy in a moat can cause more chaos than an alligator?

Kyodo News was on hand to televise the event, but had to distort the image when the guy got out of the water to wrestle with the police, who were trying to convince him to go to Hawaii for a little Kon'yoku.

Japan has very strict obscenity laws. The laws are so strict, in fact, that standing naked in front of your full-length bathroom mirror practicing Zumba is a cardinal sin. Plus, no one can actually read the obscenity laws written in the Japanese law books because it would be obscene, especially the part about frontal nudity as opposed to the “kiss my grits” variety.

After the man left, we were told that reporters waited outside the palace to ask if the Emperor saw the perpetrator. They got no response, as the Emperor was still in his room with 1,000 lit candles, a prayer book, and a jar of Fendall's EyeSaline.

Friday, October 3, 2008

In Memory of Paul Newman

The Broadway League in a statement about Paul Newman said "The Broadway community mourns the loss of Paul Newman, the universally admired stage and screen actor, director, and philanthropist."

In tribute, all of the Broadway theatre marquee lights will be dimmed at 8:00 p.m. (EST) tonight for a few minutes.

Paul Newman was born on January 25, 1925 in Shaker Heights, a suburb of Cleveland, OH. He actually made his Broadway acting debut back in 1953, starring in the production of "Picnic," and spent many years acting on Broadway. His wife, Joanne Woodward, also appeared in “Picnic.” That is where they first met and fell in love. They married in 1958, over 50 years ago, and had three daughters.

Paul Newman has an impressive resume, graduating from Yale and making his mark in Hollyood, as well as driving the track. More recently, in 2003 he was nominated for a Tony award for his role in the Broadway production of "Our Town."

Being a Robert Benchley Society member, I especially enjoyed the Newmans together in the 1990 film “Mr. & Mrs. Bridge.” Joanne Woodward won an Academy Award nomination for the film, which depicted upper-class society life during the 1930s and 40s.

Paul Newman will be sadly missed by yours truly.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The Seven Faces of Jesse Ventura

You’ve seen him as a ninja, pro-wrestler, Minnesota Governor, Navy UDT veteran, weekly radio and talk show host, and TV commentator for the XFL. Now, Jesse Ventura, a.k.a. "The Body," "The Star," and "The Governing Body,” whose real name is James George Janos, will be hosting a new conspiracy theory series made for television.

Super sleuth and sexy Slovak, Ventura, will travel the USA looking for trouble and he will find some. He will hunt down answers to conspiracy theories and plans to have viewers on the edge of their seats attending secret meetings, and witnessing witching hour surveillance; shadowing shady characters, and thwarting forces of evil.

The series is a product of A. Smith & Co. Productions and the Pilot will air next month.

Will Jesse self-actualize as a super sleuth?

Jesse is here to fight for truth, and justice, and the American way. There is no kryptonite. Go get ‘em tiger!