Thursday, May 28, 2009

GOP Trinity Says "Don't Piss Off a White Man"

In one corner, we have Supreme Court Justice nominee Sonia Sotomayor, who said back in 2001, "I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life."

In the other corner, we have the GOP Holy Trinity - Coulter, Gingrich, and Limbaugh, who collectively called Sotomayor a "racist."

Ann Coulter said "It does a disservice to minorities -- to women and minorities -- that we are supposed to be empathizing for," she said. "Saying that someone would decide a case differently... because she's a Latina, not a white male, that statement by definition is racist."

Well, besides ending a sentence with a preposition, what does Ann really know? She is just a yuppie without any actual political office experience writing books on the subject. Now, she even has people thinking she is some pompous expert, topic unknown. Once, Coulter even told Donny Deutsch on his Big Idea show that Jews should "be perfected." You can find that particular interview on Youtube by searching "Ann Coulter" and "antisemitic."

My friend Ernie Witham, of Ernie's World,, says that rumor has it "Ann Coulter is really a white man (check out her Adam's Apple)."

Gingrich said on Twitter, "White man racist nominee would be forced to withdraw," then he added. "Latina woman racist should also withdraw." I didn't know he was an American Indian, did you?

Limbaugh brought up the rear end of the horse on DittoCam by saying "horrible choice" and "a racist ... or reverse racist."

To quote Eldridge Cleaver (1935-1998), "You're either part of the solution or part of the problem."

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

British Tourists Moon Crete

It was early Sunday morning on the Greek Island of Crete. The ouzo was flowing and 17 British tourists, all men, dressed as nuns dropped their drawers and mooned the island.

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A police spokesperson said that they arrested the 17 Brits, who ranged in age from 17 to 65 at the local resort of Malia.

"They were dressed like nuns, carrying crosses, but wearing thongs under their skirts and showing people their bottoms and the rest," said an unnamed police source.

Sister Mary Adonis and her hearty henchmen stood trial still dressed in their nun’s habits, but walked free when no one appeared to testify that their behavior was in any way offensive.

Judge Plutarch released the suspects, who immediately left the courthouse doing Zorba's Dance and went out on another binge.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

King of the Road

Intermittent explosive disorder, or “road rage” has been officially listed as a mental disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Food for thought, as you drive on an Interstate highway, or Turnpike.

You are familiar with its symptoms: drivers, who are equipped with loud mufflers and arrogant bumper stickers; while driving aggressively and flamboyantly flipping the bird to senior citizens.

Among the top five arrogant bumper stickers and warning signs of a flat liner include:


Coinciding with the Memorial Day holiday and the release of the “Road Rage” warning, GMAC released the worst driving states in the country. If you are driving through Rhode Island, the odds of driving through that State without a highway mishap are against you. Rhode Island has the worst drivers in the nation, followed by Washington DC, New Jersey, Massachusetts, and New York.

These are the same drivers, who speed 65 mph through 45 mph construction zones that have cement barricades flanking both sides of the two-lane highway without a shoulder or escape route, because the driver has air bags. Some even think that the posted speed limit means "minimum."

If you set your cruise control to the speed limit and drive in the right-hand lane, you are a road hazard to a person with road rage.

In the following video, a Buttzville, NJ, driver with a short fuse was being chased by police for getting out of his car at a traffic light and breaking wind in the open window of Officer Giordano’s patrol car because Giordano had given the guy’s brother a traffic ticket the week before.

It is not clear which one of the drivers is guilty of road rage.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Beware the Crazy Days of Summer

Teenage boredom ran rampant this week in Pittsburgh, as a 17-year-old high school student used a real snake to play jump rope. The snake was unharmed, but it reminded me of a warped version of Alfred Lord Tennyson’s “Locksley Hall,” where in springtime a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of love, rather than in summer when a young man tests a snake’s spring action against the pavement:

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Insiders claim that the youth was just practicing for a double dutch eggbeater tournament, when the unsuspecting snake slithered past.

According to the National Double Dutch League, the popular urban street pastime is making a big comeback and is second in line to basketball as a popular recreational sport in some New York City schools.

Summer is coming, watch your pets:

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Yes, Notre Dame, There Really is a Rush Limbaugh at the Vatican

Amid much controversy, President Barrack Obama is scheduled to speak at Notre Dame tomorrow.

If I was in the graduating class of Notre Dame, I'd be proud to have the President give a commencement speech at my university. It is an honor and very exciting - the kind of story to tell the grandchildren some day. However, everyone doesn't feel that way.

"It is clear that Notre Dame didn't understand what it means to be Catholic when they issued this invitation," said Cardinal Francis George, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB).

(Insiders tell me that Cardinal George is also the Rush Limbaugh of the Vatican without the "DittoCam," which is why the Pope has not taken an official position).

No, Cardinal, but the Fighting Irish sure understood the privilege of having the Commander in Chief of the United States, which has over 306,444,087 citizens (not all of them Catholics), accept the invitation and give the commencement speech to the Class of 2009.

Of course, Notre Dame could have invited Will Ferrell. He did rather well at Harvard:

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Lipitor and Viagra Stimulus Package for Jobless

According to Pfizer, you don't need a tranquilizer or booze if you lose your job. What you need, is stimulus!

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I'm not sure if Pfizer's management has been sleeping in the rain forest observing the idle primates, or its marketing department perceives the declining state of the economy and the unemployment rate as a means to increase market share.

On Thursday, the company announced that it will give away Lipitor and Viagra for up to one year, to people who have lost jobs and health insurance.

"There's a long-term benefit there, beyond the goodwill and the publicity," said David Heupel, a Pfizer spokesperson. He alluded to the strategy as preventing poor people from substituting herbal remedies and cheap videos for its name brand product.

I asked around, but no one would say whether or not condoms were being dispensed with pink slips these days; However, Pfizer is doing its civic duty.

Tally-ho! then, ey?


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Do You Think Modern Culture Has Corrupted the Amish?

This news release describes a scandalous incident that occurred in Leon, NY, a predominantly Amish community:

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Apparently, two Amish youths were having a good time being rowdy in their buggy, when Detective Nathan Root, driving an unmarked car, overheard the following conversation:

“Things haven’t been the same around here, since Raymond left us to open a night club act in Vegas.”

“Yep, I remember him. He’s the one, who used to mess with the tourists and get us all reported to the Chamber.”

“That be Raymond!”

“His father raised ducks over near Stoltz Creek and he held sex education classes there every Friday night. He called it ‘slam-dunk 101.’

Lots of hooting and hollering ensued.

“Once he took Elvira Stube out on a date and she came back soaked and half drowned. I thought her father was going to kill Raymond.”

“Here, have another Coors.”

With that, the pair was pulled over and arrested for possession of alcohol. Police also found a collection of Road Kill cookbooks, some machine stitched quilts bearing Amish handmade labels, and a variety of 100-proof jams.

The two teenagers have been arrested once before for drinking and listening to radios.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Slumdog Dixie Gets Hosed

A hardworking dedicated Snohomish, Washington, police officer might be getting laid off, even though she has never drawn a paycheck.

The fate of Dixie, the drug sniffing police dog, rests in the hands of city council, while it approves budget cuts.

Dixie, pictured above with partner, Sgt. Jeffrey Sheldon, has an impressive resume. She has discovered many pounds of drugs and over $25,000 in drug money without getting paid. Her only reward, has been a length of hydraulic hose to gnaw on - her most treasured toy.

That's a lot less than minimum wage, right?

Voters in Washington State approved a minimum wage of $8.55 per hour, which applies to both agriculture and non-agricultural jobs, like sniffing out marijuana, although in some cases workers may be paid 85% of that wage, or $7.27 an hour. That could buy Dixie many essentials at PetSmart. But, just a few hugs and then get hosed? Meh!

If you would like to complain about mutt sweatshop labor, you can e-mail Chief John Turner - - at the Snohomish Police Department.

Industry analysts equate Dixie's position on the Snohomish Police Force to the overall global apathy of sweatshop labor:

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Splendor in the Grass at Windsor Castle

This news article was released today by Scotland Yard in London: Click Here

The Queen was in her counting house,
Counting out her money;
Some bloke was in the grass,
Cuddling straight up to his honey.

The sentries were at once aghast,
Public indecency exposed;
The hot and horny couple,
Were quite promptly duly hosed.

A witness to this event , Mark Robinson, told reporters that while all this was going on in front of Windsor Castle, “one window from the guardroom opened up and when a soldier saw what was going on he told his mates — and lots of windows opened up. The couple did not care who was looking and just kept going as if they were in their own bedroom."

Thames Valley Police promptly arrested the drunken couple, and issued them a warning about “outraging public decency.”

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Humorist/Rocker Babe Lynette Sheffield is Really Funny

My friend, Lynette K. G. Shefield, a fellow humor writer and Erma Bombeck fan, has written a terrific family humor book about life in Bend, Oregon, "They Still Drop Turkeys at KTWS in Bend, Orgegon: My Life as a Twinster."

It is a hilarious read about her antics with the disc jockeys at a local classic rock station, KTWS, 98.3 - The Twins. Those who listen to The Twins are referred to as "Twinsters" and their motto is, "Being a Twinster is not a spectator sport."

Lynette also operates a web site called "Lynette is Funny" simply because she walks around all day with a notebook and pencil jotting down punch lines at the station, like the rest of us do with Joe Biden Gaffes (i.e. "Stand up, Chuck, let 'em see ya" to wheelchair-bound Senator Chuck Graham); only her's are funnier.

Lynette claims that she could be residing in beautiful San Diego, CA, but lives in Bend, Oregon, because her husband refused to stop and ask for directions while they were out house hunting. She also has two teenagers and you know what family fun that can generate.

Most of the events described in this book actually happened to Lynette, except for the part where she finally loses that last 15 pounds and becomes an exotic dancer. Names would have been changed to protect the innocent but there aren't any.

The book is available at Lynette also puts out an e-mail humor column. If you want to subscribe, send an email to with "subscribe" in the subject line.