Sunday, August 30, 2009

Dumb Criminal Stimulus Package

Sometimes the President is an inspiration.

Police in Miami, FL, got the brilliant idea to offer stimulus checks to known fugitives, in an effort to make arrests.

The department sent letters to criminals offering stimulus checks. A hot line number was provided and appointments were made for them to collect stimulus money at a local auditorium decorated with “South Florida Stimulus Coalition” banners.

When suspects arrived to pick up checks, they were identified and arrested. Charges ranged from grand theft to attempted murder.

The sting operation was called "Operation Show Me the Money."

Friday, August 28, 2009

Of Architecture and Nudity

Photographer, Zach Hyman, has been getting into a world of trouble with the NYPD.

What did he do?

Apparently, our culture is still so archaic, that it frowns on real nudity; but allows all kinds of nudity to be viewed for entertainment on video, cable, and satellite TV channels. I suppose you could call it "hypocritical perversion" syndrome.

Mr. Hyman had been observing nude art at the Metropolitan Museum of Art and wanted to take Andy Warhol-type photographs.

He paid a 26-year-old woman to disrobe outside the Met, so that he could capture both nudity and architecture. Next, he had her pose using a Frank Lloyd Wright building nearby. It was when he tried the same thing in the subway that all hell broke loose.

Horrors, Batman!

The NYPD was enraged, while observers were beginning to enjoy the new nude art learning curve, so the Batmobile was summoned.

Now, model Kathleen "K.C." Neill, who normally stays home with her two cats on Sunday making chocolate chip cookies for her neighbors, faces charges of public lewdness because she posed for Hyman.

Zach was stunned. After all, his Aunt Clara used to read Leviticus in the nude all the time when he was growing up in Queens.

“Haven’t any of these officials been to Rome?” he asked, as they confiscated his camera as evidence.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Don’t Take Too Long, ‘There's a goat in my trunk’

A woman in Winona, MN, with a broken serpentine belt stopped at a local repair shop to get the car fixed. The mechanic told her that it would take an hour to repair. She told the guy not to take much longer than that because she had a goat in her trunk.

Of course, the mechanic thought she was kidding, so after the woman left, he ate his lunch. Then, he began to replace the belt.

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The mechanic thought that he heard something that sounded like a child crying in the trunk of the vehicle.

He checked around and no one was smoking pot, so he ruled out a passive high. Next, he checked to make sure that Willie Nelson wasn't playing on the radio. Then, he enlisted the assistance of a fellow worker and asked if he too heard anything unusual coming from the trunk of the car.

The other employee said that he was hung over, so they asked a third person for an opinion.

Together they opened the trunk and found a goat with its feet tied together. It was spray-painted purple and gold and its sides were shaved Brett Favre number four.

The police were called and the goat was confiscated. The woman was let go after she claimed that she was taking it to a Minnesota Vikings game.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Borat in Wellington

A man in Wellington, New Zealand, got lost in a local hotel. This does not seem at all odd or interesting, except that he was drunk, naked, and entered the wrong room during the wee hours of the morning. He crawled naked into bed with a sleeping couple, who occupied the room.

The woman woke up first and ran into the bathroom to hide. Her husband notified hotel security and the police were called to the scene.

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The man could not remember which room he was in and had no ID.

Was it Borat, Ken Davitian, Barney Frank, or Moe Green?

You decide.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

PETA’s SNAFU - “Save The Whales” Campaign

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), an animal rights organization, has really done it this time. It has obviously stepped out-of-line and doesn’t seem to know the difference between animals and women.

It’s recent "Save The Whales, Lose The Blubber: Go Vegetarian" billboard campaign has drawn world criticism for depicting an obese woman as “The Whale.”

Were they encouraging the human consumption of plankton?

No, but showing Rush Limbaugh eating a veggie pizza would have been more effective and less insulting to many people.

A PETA spokesperson said, "If the billboard is shocking, hopefully it will get people's attention, and help them improve quality of life for themselves and their families.... it's designed to help people."

Sorry guys, but the Fat Lady doesn't sing humpback.

PETA should stick to its Mission Statement regarding saving animals and leave exploiting women to Hugh Hefner.

Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment Of Women

Saturday, August 15, 2009

She Wore an Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weenie Burkini

A local pool in Paris banned a muslim woman for wearing a burkini, an Islam-friendly swimsuit.

Evidently, the swimsuit wasn’t banned for religious reasons, but because it violated France’s public hygiene standards.

It's just a conspiracy - Paris prefers spandex.

Officials told Le Parisien "These clothes are used in public, so they can contain molecules, viruses, et cetera, which will go in the water and could be transmitted to other bathers. We reminded this woman that one should not bathe all dressed, just as we would tell someone who is a nudist not to bathe all naked."

The woman, who was only identified as “Carole,” plans to file discrimination charges.

President, Nicholas Sarkozy, claims that her suit is groundless and will be dismissed.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Doctor Fired For Bashing Dunkin' Donuts

In Pensacola, FL, the Bay County Health Department under the leadership of Dr. Jason Newsom, began a war on obesity, much to the chagrin of tourists.

After replacing candy bars with peanuts in vending machines, Newsom placed Electronic signs outside with the following warnings:

"Sweet Tea = Liquid Sugar."
"Hamburger = Spare Tire."
"French Fries = Thunder Thighs."

KFC was mentioned by brand name to make people think twice about eating fried chicken. However, Dr. Newsom pushed the envelope when he added "America Dies on Dunkin'."

"I picked on doughnuts because those things are ubiquitous in this county. Everywhere I went, there were two dozen doughnuts on the back table. At church, there were always doughnuts on the back table at Sunday school. It is social expectation thing," says Newsom.

He angered the powers that be when he banned donuts from meetings and threatened to trash any donuts that he saw in break rooms.

He was asked to resign for bashing the products using brand names.

"I think he was somewhat of a zealot," County Commissioner Mike Thomas said. "I don't have a problem with him pushing an agenda, it's the way he did it. People borrowed money to go into business and they are being attacked by the government."

Later, it was revealed that Thomas owns a donut shop and a diner.

After resigning, Newsom reapplied for the job.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Hillary’s Opinion is Credible - 'My husband is not the Secretary of State, I am'

On a recent visit to the Congo, Hillary responded to a student’s question with “"Wait, you want to know what my husband thinks? My husband is not the secretary of state - I am," Clinton said angrily.

You go Girl!

We all know how credible Bill’s comments are, and where his brains and the buffalo roam.

As you know, Hillary, now Secretary of State, holds the same office as famous diplomats such as Henry Kissinger, Alexander Haig, and Colin Powell. None of whom had to share the spotlight with a spouse, who had the intelligence of a primate.

Insiders claim that the reason Hillary was so angry even before the interview, was that she and Bill had been playing "Every Which Way But Loose" and Bill lost the keys to the handcuffs. She barely had time to apply her makeup.

Bill's Opinion:

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Mouse Builds Nest in ATM

About five people in LaGrande, Oregon, were trying to use an ATM machine at a local Gem Stop Chevron gas station. However, for every $20 requested, a mouse dropping would roll out of the money slot.

Angry citizens complained to the manager.

Read News Article

Upon further investigation, employee, Sreedevi Patel, who opened the machine, screamed when she saw that a mouse had built a nest in there using $20 bills.

She had previously been yelling at customers “No ice for cooler! Drinks only, Buray! Buray! alavidha!,” (meaning “take a hike”) when several of them, who were on a camping trip tried to tap the free ice machine in the back of the building to keep food cold in a small cooler.

Local police were called to the scene, as one of the campers called to complain that the Gem Stop ATM had shit in it and they were probably getting low-grade gasoline for high test, in addition to being denied ice.

The Gem Stop passed inspection and the mouse was issued a warning and let go.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

New Blockbuster Release - America Libre

As you can see, I put humor aside for now, to tell you about a blockbuster in the making.

International Latino Book Award-winning author, Raul Ramos Y Sanchez, has written a best-selling trilogy. The first release, "America Libre" was available at bookstores on July 29, 2009. It is an action-packed story of love, ethnic turmoil, and intrigue; plus the author adds deeply moving, thought-provoking commentary. Ultimately, you will get absolutely hooked on the entire trilogy - American Libre, El Nuevo Alamo, and Pancho Land.

“America Libre” is the best dramatic fiction that book sellers have to offer you this summer; and with the economy stifling vacations and other expensive leisure activity, you deserve a good read.

The events in “America Libre” take place in the second decade of the twenty-first century. As the immigration crisis reaches the boiling point, once-peaceful Latino protests explode into rioting. Cities across the nation are in flames. Anglo vigilantes bent on revenge launch drive-by shootings in the barrios, wantonly killing young and old. Exploiting the turmoil, a congressional demagogue succeeds in passing legislation that transforms the nation’s teeming inner-city barrios into walled-off Quarantine Zones. In this chaotic landscape, Manolo Suarez is struggling to provide for his family. Under the spell of a beautiful Latina radical, the former U.S. Army Ranger eventually finds himself questioning his loyalty to his wife—and his country.

In “El Nuevo Alamo,” the sequel to “America Libre,” hispanic insurgents are joined by conventional forces from the U.N. during a protracted war of independence. As of this writing, there is no release date scheduled.

In “Pancho Land,” the final installment of the “America Libre Trilogy,” the storyline follows the struggles against tyranny and corruption in the fledgling Hispanic Republic of North America.

Put this one on your “must read” list!

You can read more on the Raul Ramos Y Sanchez website.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Whiskey Wards off Swine Flu

The Russian soccer team that is scheduled to travel to Whales for next month’s World Cup qualifier, has been advised to drink scotch whiskey to ward off the H1N1 swine flu.

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Insiders don’t know how this will affect their game, but suspect that the referee will be dropping the ball more often to drunken players staggering for possession.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Maddog Monopoly Game

A man in Michigan was arrested for assaulting his girlfriend during a game of monopoly. Apparently, she wouldn’t sell him Park Place and Boardwalk. All he had was Baltic and Mediterranean Avenues, the B&O Railroad, and the utility companies. So, he socked her and knocked off her glasses.

Read News Article

The folks at Parker Brothers got wind of this story and initiated a new project. According to our source in Parker Brother’s R&D department, the original monocle-wearing man, who is the mascot named Rich Uncle Pennybags, is being replaced with a dude dressed in a leather outfit named Maddog.

The board will consist of forty spaces containing eighteen slums, two crack houses, two Mafia Restaurants, six gambling establishments, and several brothels. It will also include three Chance spaces, three Community Chest spaces, Luxury and Income Tax spaces, and four corner squares: GO ICE!, Jail, Bada Bing, and Go to Jail. The properties will be named after popular locations in or near New York City docks.