A group of researchers from Newcastle University in Great Britain have produced human sperm in a laboratory.
Professor Karim Nayernia, the lead scientist, confirms that the artificially created sperm can swim and swirl just like natural sperm and offer the same functionality, but without the distress of being blindsided and launched out of their happy home at 100 mph into the vast unknown in search of a microscopic target, without a road atlas.
You have to ask yourself, why?
You would think that this is frivolous research and a waste of money, since we have been spending billions of dollars trying to avoid the little buggers via birth control in the first place, but scientists insist that this could be the breakthrough in the treatment of male infertility and will be available within five to 10 years.
There are two basic types of sperm: “spermatozoon” (sounds Italian, yes?), or those that bother to swim; and “spermatium,” those without a remote control, and are too lazy to swim. Just like members of the Italian mafia, the spermatium are more likely to have to hit the mattresses.
You have to feel sorry for sperm, you know? There is no activist group, that I know of looking out for their best interest, like a Habitat for the Humane Treatment of Sperm. After all, they only have about 48 hours to live after launch, not enough time to party or go to Disney World. Plus, you can't recruit them as part of your gang in Mafia Wars on Facebook.
If you could hear them communicate, the conversation would probably sound much like the dialog in “Cannonball Run” - a last ditch effort:
“We've got a secret weapon. God is our co-pilot!”
“My swimming is rivaled only by the lightning bolts from the heavens!”
“An ice cream truck! Yeah, an ice cream truck! Y'know, they gotta get there before it melts!”
“How long before we stop?”
“Forty-eight hours! “
“Da-D-Damn! I gotta go to the john!”
“Hookers, man! Where the hookers?”
“Evel Knievel, you've got yourself some competition!”
“If we were Methodists we'd have a good shot at gettin' laid”
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