Celebrity Groundhog’s Mistress Murdered in New Jersey

Punxsutawney Phil and his girlfriend, Petunia, were enjoying a romp out of state in Boonton, NJ, when the owner barged in with a private investigator and a Hasselblad H3DII-50 camera to catch them in the act.

Apparently, Mrs. Punxsutawney was suspicious when Phil left their home late Sunday evening in search of clover and didn’t return. It is almost hibernation time and she was getting low on roots, bulbs, tubers, and seeds. She sought the help of a private investigator when she found long gray hairs on the alfalfa stash in their tunnel that wasn’t hers.

When confronted in the illicit love nest, Petunia went into a jealous rage and became violent, attacking a local police officer, who was called to the scene. He pepper-sprayed her in the face. Mrs. Punxsutawney reported that Petunia had rabies (which was a bold face lie), and Petunia was euthanized and her remains sent to the state health department for rabies testing.

Members of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club bribed the couple with food to reconcile before hibernation time, so that they can hold the annual Groundhog Day celebration in Pennsylvania next February.

Read News Article