Monday, July 2, 2012

Martin McGuinness Reports Ireland's ‘Scarlet Pimpernel’

by Rose A. Valenta

Former IRA Commander, Martin McGuinness, has confirmed he discussed Prawo Jazdy during his meeting with the Queen of England. Apparently, Her Majesty was pleased that Ireland’s most famous scofflaw, Prawo Jazdy, has been uncovered thanks to top-notch detective work and McGuinness' assistance.

Thousands of traffic tickets and warrants have been issued to Prawo Jazdy all over Ireland from County Donegal to County Cork. A leprechaun with psychic powers was called in from Tipperary to assist police (Garda Síochána) in finding this mobile criminal, who thumbed his nose at the law.

Was it a Prawo Jazdy gang, much like the Scarlet Pimpernel of olden times?

Jazdy blew traffic lights in County Kilhenny, ran over a farm animal in neighboring Waterford, kicked up a puddle of mud on an elderly woman in Dublin, and threw glass bottles out the window near Carlow Castle.

All points’ bulletins were issued and the Garda was ready to kiss the blarney stone if it wasn’t more than one man.

The Garda’s database was filling up fast and the Garda Commissioner was suffering from stress and stomach disorder. He even made rookies watch Speedy Gonzales cartoons, in the hopes of finding a clue.

“Who can drive like that and live?” asked Patty McGuire, a local pub owner in Dublin.

Then one night Garda Michael O’Brian happened to read an article in the Irish Independent newspaper that gave statistics on the number of Polish immigrants coming to Ireland. One guy, Stanislas Podlawski, a recent immigrant was interviewed. He told of how difficult it was to get his prawo jazdy changed in Ireland.

Well, when Michael saw that, he called the newspaper reporter right away for some answers!

He learned that “prawo jazdy” means “driving license” in Polish. The words are usually positioned on the driving document where first and last names normally appear on Irish licenses.

Rookie, William Mulligan, was relieved of his Speedy Gonzales duty; and the Garda Commissioner was informed.

A Garda directive was issued throughout Ireland that instructed Garda not to put “Prawo” and “Jazdy” as the first and last name on traffic tickets when pulling over a Polish driver.

This is the Alpha and Omega of buffoons and database cleanup took several weeks.

"Well done!" Her Majesty said.

Martin McGuinness and the Queen shook hands.

© 2012, Valenta, All rights reserved.
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