New Trend in Counter-terrorism

New Zealand blew the lid off the government’s anti-torture interrogation strategy when it cleared a shopping mall full of teenagers in Christchurch by simply piping in Barry Manilow music.

Droves of teenagers hit the street upon hearing “Mandy” and “Can’t Smile Without You.” It’s the kryptonite of our young people.

Local experts listed many other music artists that had the same affect: Bing Crosby, Guy Lombardo, Nat King Cole, Rosemary Clooney, Johnnie Ray, Eddie Fisher, Bobby Darin, The Crew Cuts, Pat Boone, Perry Como, and la piece de resistance: “The Ballad of Davy Crockett.”

They turned all of their research over to the FBI and CIA, which in turn used the strategy on members of Al-Qaeda operatives being detained at Guantanamo. They got confessions when they played Todd Rundgren’s “Piss Aaron,” Belle Barth at Basin Street East, Redd Fox’s version of “Beedlebum,” “Up Against the Wall…” from the Lower East Side UAW/MF, Mickey Mouse Club hit tunes from the 1950s, a dozen John Cameron Swayze Timex commercials, and a streaming Rush Limbaugh radio broadcast.

These new counter-terrorism methods have replaced waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and prolonged exposure to cold, as our new president establishes improved humane policies.