New Year’s Resolutions in One Year - Out the Other

It’s that time of the year when we stop to reflect on our bad habits of the previous 12 months and strive to improve ourselves and our lives. I went surfing online to find the top 10 New Year’s resolutions for 2009, and just like the bubbles on bubble pack, I found a cornucopia of poppers:

1. Lose weight and get in better physical shape - This is the resolution that is broken most often after “quit smoking.” It is also fun to break this one by eating: candy, ice cream, chocolate, etc.; and sitting around the house like a slug. I recommend coming up with a plan and taping a picture of a 600 lb. person with lots of cellulite on your refrigerator as a deterrent.

2. Stick to a budget – This is an impossible resolution to keep, given the impulse purchase displays that you run into in every store on earth. At the supermarket, its candy, gum, tabloids with headlines you can’t resist, like “So and So’s Sordid Affair with the Babysitter” and club membership sale signs. At the car wash, its cranberry air freshener and audio books for the kids.

3. Debt reduction – This won’t work, unless you lick #2.

4. Enjoy more quality time with family and friends – This only works if your family and friends like each other, which is highly unlikely. So, you might have to have two or three monthly get-togethers with a fraction of each. After a few months, you will probably ditch everybody and go buy a cat.

5. Find my soul mate – Yes, if you also believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny; otherwise, just look for a compatible companion to have food fights with.

6. Quit smoking – You might live through this for about two-three weeks, and then you’re going to have to get hypnotized or something to keep from becoming a fly person, putting Silly Putty on the soles of your shoes, and climbing the walls.

7. Find a better job – Again, Yes, if you also believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny; otherwise, just look for a palatable one that pays more.

8. Learn something new – This one should be easy to master. Just gather up everyone in the family under the age of 10, who has an electronic toy. I recommend starting with a Wii game, although I know a person who ended up in the ER trying to bowl a good score.

9. Volunteer and help others – The only time you should volunteer for anything is if there is a good answer to “What’s in it for me?” Otherwise, this shouldn’t even be on the list, unless a cute guest from way out-of-town needs a date and, staying within budget, you’ve been itching to treat someone to a Mickey D’s.

10. Get organized – You will spend at least three weeks preparing to pull this one off, but then you will figure out a way to spend some quality time with family and friends and revert back to your old cluttering habits.