It was an off-night at a beauty salon in Kaluga, Russia, when an armed robber entered the salon and attempted to rob customers and the owner. However, the 28-year-old owner happened to have a black belt in martial arts and she also had a bottle of Viagra.
She quickly disarmed the man and bound him with an electrical cord from a hair dryer. This is where the Warren Beatty film “Shampoo” leaves off and a modern remake of “Sex Slave” takes over.
According to police, the owner allegedly gagged the man and handcuffed him to a radiator for 48 hours in the back room. She then forced him to consume some Viagra and had her way with him multiple times.
She held him against his will like that for two days, seriously injuring his genitals.
He claims that she violated him in between giving permanents and hair coloring jobs out front and is not sure if she washed her hands or not. His wallet was also missing.
The Life.ru website says “the man filed a complaint asking for the hairdresser to be brought up on charges for ‘actions of a sexual nature.’ The hairdresser filed a complaint seeking armed robbery charges against the robber.”
"I don't know what's going to happen now," Life.ru quoted a police source as saying. "We could put both of them behind bars: him for robbery, her for rape and assault."
Upon hearing about this story, two American patrolmen decided to do some root cause analysis:
News Source
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Taxes and Tea Parties
Someone tossed a box of Lipton tea bags at the White House yesterday to kick off our national Tea Party. All across America, in every town and city, tea party protests were being held on income tax day.
Americans are up in arms about the stimulus and taxes.
It was cold outside, so our local protest was being held at Salerno's Bar and Grill. All the kegs of beer were replaced with micro brew specialty teas and had theme signs, one of them read "It would be so nice if something made sense for a change," "Tut, tut, child! Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it" read another. Someone laced the kegs with gin, adding to the festivities.
All the old Woodstock crowd showed up and "Strawberry Fields Forever" was playing on the jukebox. A trio sat in the back singing a warped version of "If I Were a Carpenter," eluding to the fact that if you can't afford a house, you should build it yourself and declare a tax credit.
Salvatore Pasquale, a former accountant for the South Philly mob, set up a booth for people filing extensions or last-minute returns. His sign read "Stimulus 101: Screw the Government Here."
It got too cold and crowded at Salerno's, so me and a few of my friends popped in on Dan and found him helping his cat with a 1040 Schedule A.
Americans are up in arms about the stimulus and taxes.
It was cold outside, so our local protest was being held at Salerno's Bar and Grill. All the kegs of beer were replaced with micro brew specialty teas and had theme signs, one of them read "It would be so nice if something made sense for a change," "Tut, tut, child! Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it" read another. Someone laced the kegs with gin, adding to the festivities.
All the old Woodstock crowd showed up and "Strawberry Fields Forever" was playing on the jukebox. A trio sat in the back singing a warped version of "If I Were a Carpenter," eluding to the fact that if you can't afford a house, you should build it yourself and declare a tax credit.
Salvatore Pasquale, a former accountant for the South Philly mob, set up a booth for people filing extensions or last-minute returns. His sign read "Stimulus 101: Screw the Government Here."
It got too cold and crowded at Salerno's, so me and a few of my friends popped in on Dan and found him helping his cat with a 1040 Schedule A.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Rod Blagojevich Should Have Been a TV Evangelist
Rod Blagojevich should have been a TV Evangelist, only he wouldn't be getting a 4-star rating on digg like Bayless Conley. He's full of infamous "not guilty" pop-psyche twaddle and homilies.
The Reverend Alberto VO5 is charged with attempting to sell/auction off Obama's vacant Senate seat, conspiring to extort money from vendors bidding on state business, and plotting to flex the muscle of the Illinois Governor's Office to intimidate the Chicago Tribune enough to fire reporters calling for his impeachment.
No one knows if the seat was up for auction on eBay.
My friends at Mama Mia's in South Philadelphia are making book as to how long it will take Rod to find Jesus.
"Hey, Rosa, maybe he be reincarnated froma dat guy, Sam Kinison. Ya know, da one who used to know Jesus, but got rich. Disa way, Rhoda get thrown in prison, get poor, looka the 4 walls, and one of da plaster holes becomma Jesus." Mrs. Giordano said.
"Yeah" added Vito. "He comma outside in Illinois and da black hand, day get him. I guessa he better finda Jesus, ya know what I mean?"
"Where did he get the hair, anyway? Asked Mrs. Giordano's granddaughter. "Is he related to Joey 'The Rug' Libertino? I don't get it, governors getting convicted on RICO charges? What did he tell his kids at the dinner table every night before he was accused, 'Have some more lobster, daddy just sold two senate seats and got a gold star, but don't tell anybody?' Tell me nobody knew! I bet ya three shots of sambuca and a St. Pauli Girl he had a lot of accomplices."
"Aspetto" Vito said, "He usa da campaign money, so no moe hair weaves froma Max Fiff Avenue. I gotta hundred dollas saysa he get 20 years."
The Reverend Alberto VO5 is charged with attempting to sell/auction off Obama's vacant Senate seat, conspiring to extort money from vendors bidding on state business, and plotting to flex the muscle of the Illinois Governor's Office to intimidate the Chicago Tribune enough to fire reporters calling for his impeachment.
No one knows if the seat was up for auction on eBay.
My friends at Mama Mia's in South Philadelphia are making book as to how long it will take Rod to find Jesus.
"Hey, Rosa, maybe he be reincarnated froma dat guy, Sam Kinison. Ya know, da one who used to know Jesus, but got rich. Disa way, Rhoda get thrown in prison, get poor, looka the 4 walls, and one of da plaster holes becomma Jesus." Mrs. Giordano said.
"Yeah" added Vito. "He comma outside in Illinois and da black hand, day get him. I guessa he better finda Jesus, ya know what I mean?"
"Where did he get the hair, anyway? Asked Mrs. Giordano's granddaughter. "Is he related to Joey 'The Rug' Libertino? I don't get it, governors getting convicted on RICO charges? What did he tell his kids at the dinner table every night before he was accused, 'Have some more lobster, daddy just sold two senate seats and got a gold star, but don't tell anybody?' Tell me nobody knew! I bet ya three shots of sambuca and a St. Pauli Girl he had a lot of accomplices."
"Aspetto" Vito said, "He usa da campaign money, so no moe hair weaves froma Max Fiff Avenue. I gotta hundred dollas saysa he get 20 years."
Sunday, April 12, 2009
In Your Easter T-Shirt
Do you remember the days when everybody had a little touch of class on Easter Sunday?
We went shopping and bought new clothes, a great looking hat, white gloves, and purse. Now, the new outfit is a pair of jeans and a wild rabbit t-shirt with the slogan “bite me” on the front. The white gloves became a car wash and the purse for all this is a mere $19.95.
Two ladies I know change their profile pictures on Facebook Easter Sunday to those of them wearing wide brim 1950s-style Easter bonnets, but then they actually schlep around the house all day in their pajamas drinking Malibu Bay Breezes and Cosmos, while the kids come over in colorful Easter egg t-shirts that read “I got Laid.” No wonder they drink.
Dinner is another story. Some Italian friends I know always had Italian wedding soup, mussels, antipasto, lamb (one that actually ran around in the garage for a few days before he got whacked) and loads of side dishes. I sent one of them an e-mail asking what delicious delicacies were destined for the Easter table this year. The response I got was a bit disappointing – Chinese take out, Bona Pasquala!
Not only that, but our new President is now telling everyone that we are no longer a Christian nation, and the Pope is ready to have a coronary, as a priest from Notre Dame invited the President to speak at the Catholic University. Additionally, Caroline Kennedy is getting lambasted in the media and by the church for being nominated as an Ambassador to the Vatican, as pro-choice - you know?
I believe that we should return to our old value system and celebrate Easter and Passover with a little class:
We went shopping and bought new clothes, a great looking hat, white gloves, and purse. Now, the new outfit is a pair of jeans and a wild rabbit t-shirt with the slogan “bite me” on the front. The white gloves became a car wash and the purse for all this is a mere $19.95.
Two ladies I know change their profile pictures on Facebook Easter Sunday to those of them wearing wide brim 1950s-style Easter bonnets, but then they actually schlep around the house all day in their pajamas drinking Malibu Bay Breezes and Cosmos, while the kids come over in colorful Easter egg t-shirts that read “I got Laid.” No wonder they drink.
Dinner is another story. Some Italian friends I know always had Italian wedding soup, mussels, antipasto, lamb (one that actually ran around in the garage for a few days before he got whacked) and loads of side dishes. I sent one of them an e-mail asking what delicious delicacies were destined for the Easter table this year. The response I got was a bit disappointing – Chinese take out, Bona Pasquala!
Not only that, but our new President is now telling everyone that we are no longer a Christian nation, and the Pope is ready to have a coronary, as a priest from Notre Dame invited the President to speak at the Catholic University. Additionally, Caroline Kennedy is getting lambasted in the media and by the church for being nominated as an Ambassador to the Vatican, as pro-choice - you know?
I believe that we should return to our old value system and celebrate Easter and Passover with a little class:
Friday, April 10, 2009
Gigante's Ghost Steals Bike
Vinnie "The Chin" Gigante's ghost was seen making off with a 1943 Huffy in Lewiston, Maine.
The Chin, who in life was the middle child in the schitzo family of Salvatore Gigante (one kid was a priest) and the boss of the Genovese crime family, wanted nothing to do with New York urban life, so he decided to come back to haunt this small community of about 35,000 residents.
Residents in a nearby nursing home where the bike theft took place, often see him in his bathrobe and slippers lifting the seats on all the commodes as part of his "bug act," so that Olympia "The Amazon" Rigatoni wouldn't try to mess with him.
Olympia, the night nurse, sat on cold porcelain about 15 times during the month of March alone, when temperatures were still below freezing and icicles formed quickly. On the Ides of March, the alleged apparition of the "Oddfather" ran up and down the hallways tugging on the end of a large roll of Charmin, leaving 5,000 double-ply sheets in the hallways.
The stolen 1943 Huffy belonged to 83-year-old Ruth Slovenski of Lewiston. However, rumor has it that she was once a gun moll and became a cooperating witness in 1943. The Huffy was a gift from ex-boyfriend Eliot Ness, who used her apartment to get out of working during the Harlem Riot of 1943. He told his supervisors that he was on to a new stoolie and needed the time to establish a relationship. He couldn't afford to buy her a new car on $12 a week, so he bought her the Huffy, saying that the exercise would be good and he liked the sound of her deep breath when she peddled uphill.
Slovenski told police that the bike had significant sentimental value and that It had one distinguishing mark, so that they can recognize it in lost and found. Her granddaughter "The Pepsi Girl" was still sitting in the wire basket trying to make Gigante an offer he couldn't refuse.
News Source
The Chin, who in life was the middle child in the schitzo family of Salvatore Gigante (one kid was a priest) and the boss of the Genovese crime family, wanted nothing to do with New York urban life, so he decided to come back to haunt this small community of about 35,000 residents.
Residents in a nearby nursing home where the bike theft took place, often see him in his bathrobe and slippers lifting the seats on all the commodes as part of his "bug act," so that Olympia "The Amazon" Rigatoni wouldn't try to mess with him.
Olympia, the night nurse, sat on cold porcelain about 15 times during the month of March alone, when temperatures were still below freezing and icicles formed quickly. On the Ides of March, the alleged apparition of the "Oddfather" ran up and down the hallways tugging on the end of a large roll of Charmin, leaving 5,000 double-ply sheets in the hallways.
The stolen 1943 Huffy belonged to 83-year-old Ruth Slovenski of Lewiston. However, rumor has it that she was once a gun moll and became a cooperating witness in 1943. The Huffy was a gift from ex-boyfriend Eliot Ness, who used her apartment to get out of working during the Harlem Riot of 1943. He told his supervisors that he was on to a new stoolie and needed the time to establish a relationship. He couldn't afford to buy her a new car on $12 a week, so he bought her the Huffy, saying that the exercise would be good and he liked the sound of her deep breath when she peddled uphill.
Slovenski told police that the bike had significant sentimental value and that It had one distinguishing mark, so that they can recognize it in lost and found. Her granddaughter "The Pepsi Girl" was still sitting in the wire basket trying to make Gigante an offer he couldn't refuse.
News Source
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Great Balls of Fire!
A Chilton, Wisconsin, man is being detained in connection with an alleged arson. The suspect, Senior Gondolas Sin Pelo, claims that he was cleaning up his apartment with gasoline, got exhausted, lit up a cigar and all hell broke loose.
Why the gasoline?
Apparently, he was siphoning gas and went indoors to wash his hands. He turned a door knob that hadn’t been cleaned in 15 years with his gas soaked hand and all the old dried up Chicza Mayan rainforest chewing gum slid off. He got so excited, that he filled up an empty bottle of spray cleaner with gasoline, put on some Salsa music, and cleaned up the whole place. Oh la chispa! It was beautiful!
However, when he finally relaxed, took his clothes off, and lit up a nice cigar, the apartment exploded.
By the time Menasha police got to the scene, Senior Sin Pelo, was screaming and singing a Jerry Lee Lewis hit tune “Great Balls of Fire.”
The other 11 smoked-out tenants in the apartment complex were angry and refused to pour flour or corn starch on him. As a result, his face looked like a chili rellenos special without the egg white coating.
I think he might be eligible for the 2009 Darwin Award.
News Source
Why the gasoline?
Apparently, he was siphoning gas and went indoors to wash his hands. He turned a door knob that hadn’t been cleaned in 15 years with his gas soaked hand and all the old dried up Chicza Mayan rainforest chewing gum slid off. He got so excited, that he filled up an empty bottle of spray cleaner with gasoline, put on some Salsa music, and cleaned up the whole place. Oh la chispa! It was beautiful!
However, when he finally relaxed, took his clothes off, and lit up a nice cigar, the apartment exploded.
By the time Menasha police got to the scene, Senior Sin Pelo, was screaming and singing a Jerry Lee Lewis hit tune “Great Balls of Fire.”
The other 11 smoked-out tenants in the apartment complex were angry and refused to pour flour or corn starch on him. As a result, his face looked like a chili rellenos special without the egg white coating.
I think he might be eligible for the 2009 Darwin Award.
News Source
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Man Absconds with the Scampi
A 46-year-old man in Massachusetts, named John "Jimmy the Selkey" Silvera, thought to have a shrimp fetish, has confessed to being a serial shrimp shoplifter. The police arrested him after his last heist at the local Salem Market Basket, where he had already stolen over $500 worth of frozen shrimp.
He assaulted a police officer with the frozen product when he got caught. He also went on a serial rampage for the crustaceans in Methuen, Mass. However, he waived extradition to face charges from a Market Basket there.
Why would anyone steal shrimp? I asked.
Well, during his Mirada reading, Jimmy took the 5th, but sources close to the case say that he is a descendent of a real Selkey, and like in the film “The Secret of Roan Inish,” was using the shrimp to lure the seal maids to his dwelling along the coast, as he was on a humanitarian mission.
News Source
He assaulted a police officer with the frozen product when he got caught. He also went on a serial rampage for the crustaceans in Methuen, Mass. However, he waived extradition to face charges from a Market Basket there.
Why would anyone steal shrimp? I asked.
Well, during his Mirada reading, Jimmy took the 5th, but sources close to the case say that he is a descendent of a real Selkey, and like in the film “The Secret of Roan Inish,” was using the shrimp to lure the seal maids to his dwelling along the coast, as he was on a humanitarian mission.
News Source
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