Friday, November 14, 2008

Secret Service Code Names: Cheeseburger Pepsi

Friends of the first children have divulged what the girls think of their Secret Service guards, whom they have given code names: Cheeseburger and Pepsi (a.k.a. Domo Arigato Mr. Robato).

Cheeseburger is short and stout and often comes to work smelling like garlic. He used to guard people in the Witness Protection Program, so he grew accustomed to Italian food. He's not someone you could dress up in a Santa suit and get away with it; the nose would fit in, but all the chicken pox cicatrices wouldn't.

Pepsi is a bit robotic – stoic with no personality. He even smells like the inside of a new car. He has never been seen doing anything human, like eating or going to the bathroom. The girls like to hum the song “Domo Arigato Mr. Robato” when he walks into a room.

“Pepsi is like the Queen of England, if he ever smiled it would crack his face. It’s like having the Grinch looking over your shoulder all the time.” One of the friends said. "Plus, Cheeseburger ruined a perfectly good game of Monopoly the other night when he absconded with the canon piece ”R” was using to get to the Boardwalk. Pepsi just sat there, eyes focused straight ahead. You could have held a mirror under his nose to determine if he was still alive and breathing."

Bedtime stories?

Forgetaboutit! Cheeseburger thinks “Cinderella” is a cryptogram; he was muttering something about Gus Gus being an illegal alien, and he drives the children crazy trying to read between the lines in all of the Dr. Seuss books. He thinks Dr. Seuss was a foreign agent and wants to blacklist his books from the house. The girls tried to convince him that no one was going to try to feed them green eggs and ham, but he is relentless. Again, Pepsi just sat there, eyes glazed over, saying "Tiggers do not like honey" over and over again.

The girls have also given their parents’ Secret Service guards code names: Geronimo and Cochise, but promise that they will end their respective tours of duty with both of their scalps.

They prefer the real deal, "Captain Underpants Bloopers and Troopers" and the Blues Brothers.

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