Monday Monologue

by Rose A. Valenta

This past week witnessed more dumb questions that the media asked Republican presidential candidates, Hillary still wrapped up in her cocoon and more corruption exposed.

It reminds me of a Yogi Berra quote “I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question.”

The skinny as follows:

The AP put out this headline: "After Death Sentence, What's Next for Boston Marathon Bomber?" The inmates from the federal penitentiary at Terre Haute, Indiana, sent them a "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?" quiz.

A Fox News host asked Jeb Bush if he would have invaded Iraq, ignoring the obviously more important question “If you were Prescott Bush, would you have stolen Geronimo’s skull and bones and enabled John Kerry to be appointed Secretary of State?”

News reporters have learned how to spell “Stephanopoulos,” since George confessed that he donated $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.

Mitt Romney lasted two rounds against five-time heavyweight boxing champion Evander Holyfield at a charity bout in Salt Lake City. Hillary chickened out.

The Australian Minister of Agriculture is now known as "Corilla De Ville" after threatening Johnny Depp's Yorkies.

New York City bookies are taking bets on who David Letterman's last show guests will be. The long shot is his ex-wife, Merrill Markoe, with Boo Boo and Pistol Depp.

The fast-track trade bill failed early Senate test. Josh Ernest usually follows protocol, but after consulting with Luther, Obama’s anger translator, he used the term "snafu" to describe the situation to reporters at the press conference.

An Oklahoma man pleads guilty in deadly 'atomic wedgie' case. Says he hired Mafiosi for the jaboney apocalypse, but they all crapped out.

Penn Jillette: What shocked me about the Republican campaign videos is "It looks like Yogi Berra wrote most of the dialog."

Federal judge agrees to reopen Hillary Clinton email lawsuit. The emails are suing the Bronco driver, who stole the hard drive.

Adam Levine Gets Sugar-Bombed After Talk Show. Says he's lucky he never had a hit song called "Anthrax."

Pope Francis was named Honorary Globetrotter. Says now he'll star in a Dude Perfect video "Shot off the obelisk."

The 80-year-old Brewers broadcaster, Bob Uecker, was locked inside the radio booth mid-game. The good news is he didn't miss anything.

"The Price is Right" gave a treadmill to a lady in a wheel chair, who had no legs. It’s much like surprising Eminem with a visit from his Mom on Mother’s Day.

Bill Clinton says if Hillary wins, he'll move back to White House –“if asked.” Otherwise, he has something going in Chippewa.

© 2010-2015, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Monday Monologue

By Rose A. Valenta

This past week saw the riots in Baltimore, more presidential candidates entering the arena and more corruption exposed.

It all reminds me of a Mark Twain quote "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

The skinny as follows:

Donald Trump opened up about the Baltimore riots. It was so ineffective, a rap tune is being created in his honor that he can dance to on a perch.

It is going to take a long time to figure out how to train police. It wasn't too many years ago that Irish cops picked on Italians. Anyone with a big nose, who smelled like garlic, was fair game. Jimmy "Schnozzola" Durante once told Hedda Hopper that he and Bob Hope got pulled over more often than Harry Belafonte. Hope was of English descent and ate a lot of Spotted Dick Pudding.

Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island is going to run against Hillary in the primaries. He has changed his political party so often, his name is now an official Dogberryism for skin irritation among both Democrats and Republicans.

Hillary Clinton told reporters that if she loses the election, she will move on... to compete against Sarah Silverman on Comedy Central.

American Pharoah won the Kentucky Derby. The horse got his name after his owner mistakenly thought "Pharoah" meant "Great Horse!" in Egyptian Arabic.

The Pope says it's "scandalous" that women earn less than men for doing the same job. "Tips for Jesus" asked if they could quote him on their Instagram account.

The spare heir was born in London. It's a girl! Yogi Berra always said "Women are the best pinch hitters when they are allowed in the game."

A female comedian found a two-way mirror in a Chicago bar bathroom. It is also known as a rearview mirror, depending on which side you're on.

Former Mayor Martin O'Malley says he will announce his presidential bid in Baltimore. Geraldo asked him if he has fire and theft insurance on his vehicle.

Experts question Clinton Foundation’s true charitable spending. While they approve of feeding the hungry, they feel that spending $8 million for staples that you use on paper is being dishonest.

Carly Fiorina is running for president as the anti-Hillary Clinton. Carly says Hillary uses "Let's come together" so often in her political rhetoric, the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) have asked her to make a Kegel exercise video, to show how that is done.

Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont is also going to go after Hillary. He equates her billionaire-backed campaign to "white-nose syndrome," which killed most of the cave-wintering bats in Vermont in 2009.

Ben Carson, a retired neurosurgeon, is running for president. And everyone thought waterboarding was bad.

Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn split up. The announcement came immediately after she went for the five iron.

© 2010-2015, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Monday Monologue

by Rose A. Valenta

Exciting events and headlines for this past week include the White House Correspondents' Dinner, more Hillary bashing and reports about the 1%.

I know, meh!

Just the headlines remind me of a Tony Soprano quote "Let me tell ya something. Nowadays, everybody's gotta go to shrinks, and counselors, and go on "Sally Jessy Raphael" and talk about their problems. What happened to Gary Cooper? The strong, silent type. That was an American. He wasn't in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do. See, what they didn't know was once they got Gary Cooper in touch with his feelings that they wouldn't be able to shut him up! And then it's dysfunction this, and dysfunction that, and dysfunction vaffancul!"

The skinny as follows:

The Clinton Foundation says it accurately reported the total donations on its tax forms; but needs to amend some returns because all those government grants got mixed in with other donations. Luther, Obama’s anger translator, is pissed.

Obama, while preparing for the White House Correspondents' Dinner, sent a quick email to Josh Ernest asking if the Clintons would be there. Josh said “Bucket.”

Obama upstaged the SNL comic at the Nerd Prom. Lorne Michaels even approached him afterwards, with a bucket idea: a new show called "Hissy Fit."

Cecily Strong told journalists at the Nerd Prom not to criticize Hillary's wardrobe; it is, considering all the derailments, the Emperor's new clothes.

Hillary Clinton was a no-show at the annual South Carolina Democratic convention. The head of the five families was not surprised, he was still waiting for his cut.

A Bugatti and Ferrari had a multi-million dollar fender bender at a posh Paris hotel. Who are these people? Inquiring KIAs want to know.

Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her 89th birthday by beating her Royal Protection Officers at Mixed Nuts and the "Older Than Dirt Quiz."

Adam Sandler is now known in Apache as "Him Not Mel Brooks," after half the extras walked off the set of "The Ridiculous Six." What, they were blindfolded when they signed up, no script preview?

Robert Downey Jr. walked out of an interview with a British journalist. Adam Sandler just stood up and pissed while smoking a peace pipe.

The Ambulance Chaser Association, comprised of 47 lawyers, sent a letter to Judge Napolitano asking “if Hillary loses the election, can she seek punitive damages from the right-wing media?"

A Police academy seeks guidance from the DOJ in the form of a Directive for the proper procedure to pull over drones.

People Who Like Grilled Cheese Sandwiches Have More Sex, Says a New Survey. Well, yeah!

New pictures of Kim Jong Un using a cane raise more questions. Un is 5’ 1” tall. Dennis Rodman, who is 6’ 7”, swears he did not use him in a “continuous pick & roll” basketball play.

Marco Rubio Jumps to the Head of the GOP Pack. The cheese stands alone.

Former CIA Director, David Petraeus, was sentenced this week for leaking military secrets to his woman. In the Clinton camp, the Energizer swears she never had access to Hillary's email server. Her joy stick, maybe.

Bruce Jenner told Diane Sawyer "I am a woman." The general consensus on Facebook is the Kardashians have screwed up his mind.

© 2010-2015, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Monday Monologue

by Rose A. Valenta

All you need to do for a good laugh sometimes, is pick up a newspaper or Google the news. Last week was exciting, especially now that presidential candidates are coming out of the woodwork. Headlines include the following:

Hillary failed to discuss her policies with the small businesses in Iowa. Nancy Pelosi said "Vote for her to see what is in them."

Stephen Hawking sings “Galaxy Song” from Monty Python in his new music video. He says Hillary should watch "America Rising."

Hillary kicks off 2016 campaign with "guiding principles." No more hiding classified data repositories in Harlem heads the list.

After a terrible campaign launch, Hillary Clinton in her gyrocopter makes a desperate attempt to get into the White House.

Hillary's van is owned by the Secret Service and supported by US taxpayers. It was the only one on the fleet with bed and bar. Bill had the other one.

Donald Sterling's ex-mistress must pay his wife back for the $2.6 million in gifts he gave her. She gets to keep the $12 moth eaten thong. Say, can Shelly Sterling run for POTUS on the gender ticket?

Hillary dined unrecognized at a Chipotle. The Pope said it's her greatest achievement and is rooting for her to go out for pizza next time.

A Secret Service officer was arrested in DC on a burglary charge. Bill reported one of his hookers went missing.

Things have gotten so corrupt at the DOJ, neighbors near Lake View Cemetery in Cleveland, OH, heard Eliot Ness rolling a 10-pin.

Reddit reports the most difficult English word to say is "Worcestershire" (sauce). The Amish make it easy, they just say "Whatsthatthere sauce."

A Brooklyn woman used Facebook to serve divorce papers. Says she "poked" him a few times, but he was too busy playing Candy Crush.

North Korea is recruiting women to join a "pleasure squad" for Kim Jong Un. In the West, it's known as "F Troop."

Google reports that a billion simultaneous users have crashed Google Earth looking for Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, in the Scottish Highlands.

Scientists announce a newly discovered frog that looks like Kermit. The producers of "Who Do You Think You Are?" have signed Kermit for a 2015 episode.

Construction workers in the Guandong province of China, found 48 fossilized dinosaur eggs. Japanese scientists say it proves Godzilla was a womanizer.

© 2010-2015, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Curiosity Killed the Cat

by Rose A. Valenta

A few years ago, Homeland Security announced an incident in Atlanta, GA, where Amy Windom was victimized, but managed to send a life saving text message from her laptop using her toes. In an effort to mitigate the root cause, Homeland Security tried signing an agreement with Toshiba for alternative laptop keyboard designs allowing for hallux (toe muscle) deviation to make it easier for Amy or anyone else in this situation; but the Beta test failed.

It was the pork in last year's budget.

Read the original news article

After reading about the fail, I realized that it’s a good thing Amy is only 39 years old and has good eye sight. I set up my own simulation and couldn’t even find the keyboard with my toes. The first thing that happened was the mouse pad and external mouse hit the floor and joined the dust bunnies under the bed. When I tried to slide my big toe across the internal mouse to click on “Start,” to launch the IM software, I got a nervous twitch and hit the quick-scan on my virus protector, so I had to wait an hour.

Since I used my husband’s old police handcuffs to simulate Amy’s wrists tied to the bed post, I also had difficulty trying to grab the key with my other toes. It had taken a nose-dive with the mouse and was wedged between the night stand leg and the molding.

My cell phone was playing video games in the next room, indicating that family members had called about three times already.

I spit out my gum, mashed it into the wedged key with my left foot, and whistled for the dog, hoping that she would retrieve it for me. All she did was pick both up in her mouth and run out into the kitchen.

"Enjoy your Dentyne breakfast #$tch" I yelled.

I was stuck. It was only 11:00 am. I just laid there trying to figure out how I was going to explain this to whoever came home first.

I quickly thought of answers:

1. Some orangutan broke into our house and mistook me for Harry Callahan’s girlfriend.
2. I’m doing Top Secret research for Homeland Security?
3. I heard a somewhat religious domestic terrorist enter the house, so I figured I’d scare him off?

Mel Brooks’ “History of the World” was playing on the classic movie channel and my bladder finally gave out with Harvey Korman. I’m in the soup:

Monday Monologue

by Rose A. Valenta

I've been suffering from writer's block lately, so to get my creative juices flowing, I pretended that I had my own late night comedy show with no budget and have to write my own monologue jokes. In my mind (desperation), I pictured myself as someone like John Belushi picking up the Sunday paper after midnight, and calling his sick friend, Dan Aykroyd, to give him the skinny.

No wait!

There are no female major network late night comedy hosts. The only one who came close was Joan Rivers. Chelsea Handler talked to her vodka on E!, not NBC, CBS or ABC. Something is terribly wrong with that.

Ever since my friend and filmmaker, Cathryn Michon, broke the Hollywood ice by making "Muffin Top: A Love Story" and started a movement, I've been making it my goal to do something different. Her husband, W. Bruce Cameron (8 Simple Rules), once told me in Dayton, OH, to set my goals high. He wasn't the only one. National Society of Newspaper Columnists (NSNC) member, Dallas Morning News columnist, author and friend, Dave Lieber, wrote a column that advised us "Go Big!" while setting your goals. I was in his class at the NSNC Conference in Hartford. Here is my chance! Ihink I got my mojo back.

Seth Meyers move over. Are you there, Sangria? It's me, Rosie! (drum roll):

Bill Clinton and Jeffrey Epstein were spotted on “orgy island” with eight old Salvation Army ladies from the Bronx.

Ghostbusters tested and reported to TMZ that best-seller "The Boy Who Came Back from Heaven" is all Malarkey.

Police arrested a drone from Mexico with six pounds of crystal meth after it crash landed under the weight. LA Fitness put up bail.

The Pope told the faithful in the Philippines that whatever brings about world peace will likely be illegal, immoral or fattening.

The BBC has announced that a new lamb gyro is taking off in the Philippines. It is called Pope in a Poncho.

My inbox is getting flooded with ads that promise Viagra can cure deflated balls. Did you know that?

The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists is in charge of the Doomsday Clock. Applewhite already tried that scare tactic. It’s only an asteroid, people!

One of my greatest scientific discoveries as a mother (the second oldest profession) was figuring out that utensils with peanut butter on them don't wash clean in the dishwasher.

Greeks vote in an election that could lead to a showdown over bailout. Well, I guess that beats playing leap-frog.

Mayor Bill de Blasio just made the Musher List for the New York rush hour Iditarod.

This actually happened:

My friend Jody Worsham, author of "The Medicare Mom" blog, said her Shih Tzu was running with a Maltese two houses down, about three months ago, and she just gave birth to six puppies in the back of her closet. Their papers were stamped “illegitimate.”

© 2010-2015, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

New Year’s Resolution 2015 – Occupy Camp David

by Rose A. Valenta

"A fool and his money are soon elected." ~ Will Rogers

After all the years that I have made a list of New Year’s resolutions for the good of my family, I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf. This year, I am making one for our POTUS:

" I will spend all my vacation and holiday time at Camp David"

Camp David

Pictured above is Camp David, the Presidential Retreat that I have been paying for every April 15th, since I joined the American work force. My parents paid for it from 1942 until they died. As you can see, it is a great place for our President to spend holidays and vacations. It is already paid for and its on-going maintenance is covered by 72 years-worth of taxpayer contributions.

The American people understand that being Commander in Chief is a tough job and requires some R&R, but as long as we are faced with a $18 trillion deficit that won’t get paid off until the Second Coming, it is only fair that the POTUS develop a frugal job description for himself and his successors, you know, one that falls under the fiscal cliff, which mandates spending vacation time at a resort designed for the purpose. After all, when a soldier takes liberty he pays for the entertainment out-of-pocket. This is not too much of a sacrifice considering that the President will only have to spend off-hours at Camp David for four years. After the POTUS is out of office, he/she can take the family on exotic personally funded vacations, instead of the extravagant vacations that are currently being taken, which are straining the American people’s budget.

Nobody gets a free ride in this economy, not even “Head of White Household.”

Just who is in charge of T&E Expense Management at the White House?

You can see where this is headed, right? I am not turning over a new leaf. I will continue to shop at places like Sam’s Club, WalMart, and Costco; as I am already doing a good job economically. My family vacation will remain frugal. My vehicles will continue to be certified pre-owned. My President better wise up.

I am more than a little surprised that BO didn't take advantage of the Charlie Hebdo terror attack and go on a spree in Paris, but then he would have to put words like "Radical Islam" in his vocabulary.

Or would he?

Seriously, why not call them what they are: murderers, the criminal element of the Middle East, and terrorists; on a mission to self-destruct. Why else would there be such a high turnover rate of suicide bombers in the terrorist training camps?

Their actions are disgusting enough to make people want to build a memorial to the great agnostic philosopher, Omar Khayyám, rather than the great Prophet Muhammad, whose mission was world peace.



In the famous words of Will Rogers “There are three kinds of men: The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."

This year's tab

Yeah, well, not on my dime, BO!

Happy New Year!
Rosie
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© 2010-2015, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here