Monday, April 27, 2015

Monday Monologue

by Rose A. Valenta

Exciting events and headlines for this past week include the White House Correspondents' Dinner, more Hillary bashing and reports about the 1%.

I know, meh!

Just the headlines remind me of a Tony Soprano quote "Let me tell ya something. Nowadays, everybody's gotta go to shrinks, and counselors, and go on "Sally Jessy Raphael" and talk about their problems. What happened to Gary Cooper? The strong, silent type. That was an American. He wasn't in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do. See, what they didn't know was once they got Gary Cooper in touch with his feelings that they wouldn't be able to shut him up! And then it's dysfunction this, and dysfunction that, and dysfunction vaffancul!"

The skinny as follows:

The Clinton Foundation says it accurately reported the total donations on its tax forms; but needs to amend some returns because all those government grants got mixed in with other donations. Luther, Obama’s anger translator, is pissed.

Obama, while preparing for the White House Correspondents' Dinner, sent a quick email to Josh Ernest asking if the Clintons would be there. Josh said “Bucket.”

Obama upstaged the SNL comic at the Nerd Prom. Lorne Michaels even approached him afterwards, with a bucket idea: a new show called "Hissy Fit."

Cecily Strong told journalists at the Nerd Prom not to criticize Hillary's wardrobe; it is, considering all the derailments, the Emperor's new clothes.

Hillary Clinton was a no-show at the annual South Carolina Democratic convention. The head of the five families was not surprised, he was still waiting for his cut.

A Bugatti and Ferrari had a multi-million dollar fender bender at a posh Paris hotel. Who are these people? Inquiring KIAs want to know.

Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her 89th birthday by beating her Royal Protection Officers at Mixed Nuts and the "Older Than Dirt Quiz."

Adam Sandler is now known in Apache as "Him Not Mel Brooks," after half the extras walked off the set of "The Ridiculous Six." What, they were blindfolded when they signed up, no script preview?

Robert Downey Jr. walked out of an interview with a British journalist. Adam Sandler just stood up and pissed while smoking a peace pipe.

The Ambulance Chaser Association, comprised of 47 lawyers, sent a letter to Judge Napolitano asking “if Hillary loses the election, can she seek punitive damages from the right-wing media?"

A Police academy seeks guidance from the DOJ in the form of a Directive for the proper procedure to pull over drones.

People Who Like Grilled Cheese Sandwiches Have More Sex, Says a New Survey. Well, yeah!

New pictures of Kim Jong Un using a cane raise more questions. Un is 5’ 1” tall. Dennis Rodman, who is 6’ 7”, swears he did not use him in a “continuous pick & roll” basketball play.

Marco Rubio Jumps to the Head of the GOP Pack. The cheese stands alone.

Former CIA Director, David Petraeus, was sentenced this week for leaking military secrets to his woman. In the Clinton camp, the Energizer swears she never had access to Hillary's email server. Her joy stick, maybe.

Bruce Jenner told Diane Sawyer "I am a woman." The general consensus on Facebook is the Kardashians have screwed up his mind.

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