Hey Schifoso! Charlie Sheen

"How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen Snort? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men."

If you have been following the Charlie Sheen meltdown, you have already seen these Ustream TV videos; if not, then you can see them via this link: Ustream Videos

Holy guacamole!

I’d love to buy a ticket to a shrink convention, so I could hear the candid comments by experts. As a novice, I can only assume that his family and real friends are waiting for him to bottom out, so he can get the help he needs to get back to reality. If not, they are being sadistic.

For God’s sake, somebody! Please pull the plug on his camera and audio equipment and get him off Ustream! It’s just too painful to watch. He needs to stay out of the limelight for at least a year until he gets hold of himself and unloads the leaches.

We were sitting around drinking coffee the other night discussing the situation. However, we work nine to five jobs and can’t even imagine earning $2 million in 20 years, let alone a week. This is something genius Charlie doesn’t take into consideration. The majority of his fans are middle class. We work to provide the basic necessities for our families, pay our rent and mortgages, and a car that gets good gas mileage. When we want to be entertained, we watch something ridiculous, like Two and a Half Men. I say “ridiculous” because very few people perceive it as real life. For that, you would have only one fan – Hugh Heffner and he worked his ass off publishing Playboy; not a book of dark poetry - that was Poe. The economy is getting so bad; Poe’s biggest fan even stopped leaving a half-bottle of tequila at his grave site in Baltimore, on his birthday.

If someone offered us an acting job like Two and a Half Men for $2 million an episode, I don’t think any of us would refer to the producer as “Whatshiscock” on an international public forum and expect not to get fired. After taking a poll, at least one fan would wear a silly shirt; memorize the script; and shammy the boss’ Ferrari. So, Charlie should shut up already!

Charlie, this is coming from fans, who buy the products that support your habit:
Today is International Woman’s Day. The days of exploiting Goddesses and beating one’s wife are truly over. It’s passé, gone with the wind, a Bela Lugosi “I want to suck your blood” shtick; and he got so wrapped up in his role that he was buried in a Dracula cape.

Your enemies are enjoying the meltdown. Here is how to get even - sensibly: Don’t give them the satisfaction of falling apart in public. Get off the stage and do it in private. This way, they won’t have the satisfaction of knowing they got to you, “winning” right? Then, sign into rehab and get better. After that, Show’em! Sign up with another network sober and drug free, and star in a bigger sitcom than "Two and a Half Men," as Carlos Estevez. If you do that, all of your fans will be in your corner, your old boss will be crying in his Glenfiddich Rare Collection 1937 Scotch, and the weirdoes will leave the building. Plan better!

I have to go now, the price of gas just went up ten cents a gallon, my tuna casserole is burning, and I’m at Mickey D’s using their free Wi-Fi connection drinking a $1.59 container of coffee, which is stretching my budget, since I can buy the same stuff for $8.99 a pound at Sam’s Club. If I had $2 million I'd steal the Fruitcake Lady's old job (may she rest in peace) and my kids would be going to Harvard.

© 2010, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Philadelphia Flower Show 2011 ‘Springtime in Paris’

It was a crowded opening day at the Philadelphia Flower Show yesterday. “Bonjour, Bonjour” the greeters said happily as we entered the newly expanded Pennsylvania Convention Center. The theme this year is “Springtime in Paris.” Everyone was in a jovial mood. No birds were flipped when people bumped into each other. It was “excuse me” and “behind you,” or “sorry.”



You have to give credit where credit is due. Thanks to Philadelphia’s Finest, we got there and back – safely! The Philadelphia Police Department has become a team of efficiency experts. I guess they have learned since the Phillies won the World Series. Notice how clean the streets are and no grease on the utility poles. Of course the Poppy Growers of America were not exhibiting this year and that helped:





I have an album on Facebook with more images. If you want to see them, send me a friend request. We had a fantastic time. We bought fresh cut flowers and wine. No DUIs guys, we took the train.




Are you ready for Mardi Gras? Whoo-hoo!
Rosie

© 2010, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Humor: The Mighty Mojo

As long as I can remember, I have enjoyed reading and writing humor. I think everyone enjoys a good laugh and deservedly so. Almost on a daily basis, we face all sorts of events that nibble away at our initial good mood. You wake up in the morning feeling pretty, maybe sing in the shower, remember something funny the kids did to make you smile last night - then it starts: rush hour traffic, road rage, unpleasant news reports, crowded coffee shops, and your daily routine on the job. If that isn’t enough, the company café has a lousy selection for lunch; so, you resort to eating a mundane salad; you find that you are overdrawn in your checking account by $30.00; and at 5:00 PM, it’s rush hour again. When you get home, the evening news is filled with doom and gloom and the kids need to be motivated to complete homework assignments.

What's dominating the news?

The kids tell you that BrainyQuote's database has crashed because Charlie Sheen has been posting messages on Twitter that say things like "@charliesheen Don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes, snorted a mile of my coke, drank a vial of my #Tigerblood."

You Google "news" to get away from the TV and find that Mother Jones suggests that the amniotic fluid surrounding Georgia State Representative Bobby Franklin was contaminated by chemically sprayed peaches while he was still in the womb, causing the fetus to develop into a thing of misogyny.

The latest gossip at Wiki is the fact that Joe Biden does not currently have any Delaware schools named after him, though there is an erosion control method in Delaware's Cape Henlopen State Park bearing his name.

The icing on the cake?

According to Glenn Beck, God is now allowing dead soldiers to haunt Westboro Pastor Fred Phelps at 1,000 feet over his head, with "God Hates You, Phelps" aerial banners.

You, my friend, need a good chuckle. Why? The weekend looms ahead and you already know what to expect. The kids are home from school and a fist fight will break out, your DIY project is waiting, and Murphy’s Law is always alive and well at your house - breeding offspring. Sometimes I believe the more free time we have on our hands, the harder Murphy’s reproductive system works. You have to turn the tables, or else!

In my case, I wait until the crisis is over and write satire about it here on Rosie’s Renegade Humor Blog. You can also read humor books and blogs that address the conflicts you face, but with a funny twist. If you do that often enough, you will actually lighten up and see that humor really is the mighty mojo.

While my humor book, Sitting on Cold Porcelain, is designed to address myriad topics with a funny twist to entertain you, humor blogs have been underrated. There are hundreds of them that you can sneak read with your iPad or Kindle at work. Trust me, it will lighten your load.

Because of my humor writing, I have met the folks, who write some of the popular humor blogs. I have made friends with them on Facebook and have linked the best ones at the bottom of this blog page under "Short Stories and Links," so you can enjoy them also.

Just to name a few, we have a school teacher from Texas, Jody Worsham, who is retired and has adopted two children in recent years. She writes a blog called The Medicare Mom. You will love her mature witty take on motherhood. Marti Lawrence, a caregiver from Missouri, is very entertaining and writes Enter the Laughter. Wanda Argersinger is a Director of the Lupus Support Network, she loves to write humor books on motivation and authors a blog called Life in the Land of Confusion. The Director of the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, Matt DeWald, writes My Five-Minute Commute. Our baby boomer dad, Jerry Zezima, is a very funny guy. He just released a book called Leave it to Boomer and his blog is also linked at the bottom of this page. If you are really feeling down, Dawn Weber’s blog Lighten Up is for you. Please check them all out. You will get more than a few chuckles.

© 2010, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

The Male Mystique

Men are easy to love and understand. They look at life simplistically and competitively. Take for instance the Tom Paxton song “My Dog's Bigger Than Your Dog,” it depicts how most American men grow up:

My dog's bigger than your dog,
My dog's bigger than yours,
My dog's bigger
And he chases mailmen,
My dog's bigger than yours,

My dog's better than your dog,
My dog's better than yours,
His name is King,
And he had puppies,
My dog's better than yours.

My dad's tougher than your dad,
My dad's tougher than yours,
My dad's tougher
And he yells louder and
My dad's tougher than yours.

My dad's louder than your dad,
My dad's louder than yours,
Momma buys a new dress,
Daddy makes noises,
My dad's louder than yours.

Our car's faster than your car,
Our car's faster than yours,
It has a louder horn,
It bumps other cars,
Our car's faster than yours.

Our car's older than your car,
Our car's older than yours,
It stops running and Daddy kicks the fenders,
Our car's older than yours.

My Mom's older than your Mom,
My Mom's older than yours,
She takes smelly baths
She hides the gray hairs
My Mom's older than yours.

My Mom's funnier than your Mom,
My Mom's funnier than yours,
Her hair is pretty and
It changes colors,
My Mom's funnier than yours.

The problem starts after they grow up, become successful, and have a family. Then, they get to have the sexiest babies. If I didn’t know better I’d swear that during their formative years, these little boys stood in the Toys R Us doll section after school, in the springtime, with thoughts that lightly turned to procreation, makeup, and Princess Rosella. In the back of their minds – competition!

If you are the type of woman, who still shops for your daughter in the Easy Bake Oven section of Toys R Us, you must understand that the way to a man’s heart is no longer through his stomach. She absolutely has to marry a man, who can cook or afford to eat out. If you put your husband in charge of the sewing machine, a movie camera, and your kid, this is what to expect:


Video ©2011 Jimmy Kimmel Live! and staged for this interview with Tom Hanks.

Punked by The Royal Wedding

This morning I made a pot of Southern Pecan coffee. I went shopping at the Italian Market yesterday and couldn’t resist going over budget at Fante’s. It’s my treat when I do something rewarding, like clean the lint filter in the dryer rather than spend $50 calling the repairman because it took two hours to dry clothes. I was making pancakes when Uncle Harry stopped to smell the coffee out by my air dryer, which was sporting a pair of tied mis-matched tennis shoes, and invited himself to breakfast.

“Good morning!” I said.

“What’s good about it?” he responded. “I didn’t get an invitation to the Royal Wedding.”

“You, Obama, and Fergie.” I said.

“Obama I can understand,” he said. “But, I didn’t return a gift from the Queen.”

“Wrong size?” I asked.

“No, wrong patriot,” he said.

“I even wrote a letter to The Queen’s Man, The Lord Chamberlain, and told him how much I have always admired Sir Winston Churchill. I have all of his books and a print of one of his paintings. They sent all the invitations out last week, but I didn’t get mine. Do you have a shot of Kahlua to go with the coffee?”

“You’re serious!”

“Damn straight, I am. I also included a photo of Duchess of York that I had drawn a mustache on with a Sharpie along with my letter. I captioned it 'Would you buy an Open Door Policy from this woman?”

“Harry! You’re lucky that they didn’t send Scotland Yard over here looking for you. What were you thinking?”

“I was discussing an outing with Dick. He gave me two choices, The Royal Wedding or the Cherry Blossom Festival in DC. I’ve already seen the cherry blossoms. In fact, we both got sloshed one night and I woke up under a cherry tree, the one nearest the Potomac, waterlogged with a horrible headache. Dick went to London yesterday, from Toronto with a young male stripper, keeping up his end of the bargain.”

“So, you think harassing The Lord Chamberlain with another Lord Peel is going to get you out of a trip to DC? What have you been smoking?”

Just then, the phone rang. It was Scotland Yard. They had arrested Uncle Dick in London for lewd behavior on a street corner and wanted to know in which village he belonged:

© 2011, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Toga, Toga, Toga!

Join me tonight at the Pump Up Your Book’s February 2011 Facebook Party where I will be giving away a copy of Sitting on Cold Porcelain!

Here are the details:

What: Pump Up Your Book’s February 2011 Facebook Party

When: 9 – 11 p.m. eastern time (adjust to your time zone)

Where: Facebook Virtual Book Tour Party

Please read the instructions on the party page to find out how to join, what authors are participating and what prizes will be given away.

See you there!

Rosie

A Book and a Chat

Tonight at 6:30 PM EST, you can tune into BlogTalkRadio and listen to my half-hour interview with Barry Eva on his show “A Book and a Chat.” It is a call in show, so please participate, if you can.

Free MP3 Download

This is part of my two-month virtual book tour with Pump Up Your Book.

Then, on Friday night, February 25th, you are cordially invited to an exciting Facebook party with 10 authors, including me, who are also participating in the Pump Up Your Book virtual tour. The festivities begin at 9:00 PM EST. If you have a Facebook account, please "Like" the group page Pump Up Your Book Party. Then, you will be able to chat online with us.

Please join the fun. Thanks in advance.
Rosie

Sitting on Cold Porcelain is available at Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble online, Better World Books, and the order desk of your local book store. Electronically, you can order it for your Kindle, Nook, and other eBook readers. Autographed copies are available here at Rosie Renegade Humor Blog. You can also get the blog at the Kindle Store.

© 2011, Valenta, All rights reserved.