Thursday, March 3, 2011

The Male Mystique

Men are easy to love and understand. They look at life simplistically and competitively. Take for instance the Tom Paxton song “My Dog's Bigger Than Your Dog,” it depicts how most American men grow up:

My dog's bigger than your dog,
My dog's bigger than yours,
My dog's bigger
And he chases mailmen,
My dog's bigger than yours,

My dog's better than your dog,
My dog's better than yours,
His name is King,
And he had puppies,
My dog's better than yours.

My dad's tougher than your dad,
My dad's tougher than yours,
My dad's tougher
And he yells louder and
My dad's tougher than yours.

My dad's louder than your dad,
My dad's louder than yours,
Momma buys a new dress,
Daddy makes noises,
My dad's louder than yours.

Our car's faster than your car,
Our car's faster than yours,
It has a louder horn,
It bumps other cars,
Our car's faster than yours.

Our car's older than your car,
Our car's older than yours,
It stops running and Daddy kicks the fenders,
Our car's older than yours.

My Mom's older than your Mom,
My Mom's older than yours,
She takes smelly baths
She hides the gray hairs
My Mom's older than yours.

My Mom's funnier than your Mom,
My Mom's funnier than yours,
Her hair is pretty and
It changes colors,
My Mom's funnier than yours.

The problem starts after they grow up, become successful, and have a family. Then, they get to have the sexiest babies. If I didn’t know better I’d swear that during their formative years, these little boys stood in the Toys R Us doll section after school, in the springtime, with thoughts that lightly turned to procreation, makeup, and Princess Rosella. In the back of their minds – competition!

If you are the type of woman, who still shops for your daughter in the Easy Bake Oven section of Toys R Us, you must understand that the way to a man’s heart is no longer through his stomach. She absolutely has to marry a man, who can cook or afford to eat out. If you put your husband in charge of the sewing machine, a movie camera, and your kid, this is what to expect:

Video ©2011 Jimmy Kimmel Live! and staged for this interview with Tom Hanks.

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