Macaroni Reaches a Rolling Boil on Wall Street

Tech stocks may have been the darlings of Wall Street in the late 1990s, but considering the sad state of the American economy, macaroni is here to stay.

Forget the low-carb and protein fads of recent years, and jump on the pasta bandwagon. Consumers are now rediscovering casseroles, soup, spaghetti, and the all time favorite, macaroni and cheese; as well as nourishing cuisine at inexpensive restaurants like the New Hampshire-based Portsmouth Loaf and Ladle.

The American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) of Kansas, and New World Pasta of Harrisburg, PA, are experiencing record sales.

New World Pasta is a leading marketer and supplier of dry pasta and noodles in the United States, and dry pasta, noodles, and rice in Canada.

AIPC stocks have risen on word that the economy sucks, but you can still feed a small family of four on just $5 a day with pasta dishes. AIPC stock closed at $23.73 last Friday, exceeding Wall Street expectations.

These days, all you need to survive are garlic, grated cheese, herbs, macaroni, olive oil, freshly ground black pepper, some green peppers, salt, tomato paste, tomatoes, a little Lambrusco, and meh! Who needs prime rib, right?

I wanted to test the $5 theory, so I went to my favorite shopping area in South Philadelphia, the Italian Market. I bought some cheese, Italian bread, olive oil, and pasta at Claudio’s; olive salad at DiBruno’s; some spice at the Spice Corner; produce at some of the open vendor stands along 9th street; and some meat at Esposito’s. I spent about $40, excluding the gallon can of olive oil, and had enough food for eight dinners. Of course, the trade-off was I had to make my own gravy – a five-hour process.

I ran into our local Moloch doctor, Mrs. Giordano, coming out of Fante’s. She still likes to buy expensive coffee beans, but chintzes on the antipasto.

“Ma! Barack he hasa big money problems,” She said. “Itsa gonna take sixa months to remova da ‘evil eye’ froma da stock market.”

“Buona giornata” (Have a nice day), I said, as she proceeded to walk down Washington Avenue, bloviating in Pugliese, while simultaneously cussing in American Sign Language.

Japanese Learn English via Presidential Speeches

A new run-away best seller in Japan, “The Speeches of Barack Obama,” was released only two months before the Inauguration of U.S. President Barack Obama. It is being used as an aid to learning English.

More than 400,000 copies have already been sold.

"Speeches by presidents and presidential candidates are excellent as listening tools to learn English, because their contents are good and their words are easy to catch," said Yuzo Yamamoto of Asahi Press, which published the popular text book.

"Obama's is especially so. His speeches are so moving, and he also uses words such as 'yes, we can,' 'change' and 'hope' that even Japanese people can memorize," he said. “Speeches by President George W. Bush do not have the same appeal."

The problems with Bush’s speeches are innumerable, but I have listed the top five:

1. He inserts extra syllables into some words, such as "misunderestimate," "hispanically" and "subliminable."

2. He often removes syllables, such as saying "unceptable" instead of "unacceptable."

3. He tends to pluralize words, when he should use the singular. For example “Internets.”

4. He gives some words a southern pronunciation.

5. He makes other blunders, such as saying "new-cue-ler" and “tearist” instead of “nuclear” and “terrorist.”

In addition to the President Obama speech book, a Barack Obama rubber mask has also become a top-selling item in Japan. The Tokyo-based Ogawa Rubber mask factory has announced that it sold more than 2,500 Barack Obama face masks in the month preceding the inauguration.

Now, anyone can stand around in the Village of Obama, Japan, wearing an Obama mask, and correctly pronounce the village’s favorite “senbei” food in English - "wasp crackers."

Goat Identified as Nigerian Scammer

Photo credit: REUTERS/Eric Gaillard

In Nigeria, police have detained a goat that is suspected of armed robbery. The goat is also being investigated as a bovid of interest, in sending Nigerian Scam letters via e-mail to people, promising to send millions of dollars to the victim’s bank account, in exchange for PIN and social security numbers.

The latest victims went to a Nigerian police station and accused the suspect of stealing a getaway car, a Mazda 323; using black magic to transform itself into a goat.

"The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat," Tunde Mohammed, a Kwara State Police spokesman told reporters.

"We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat," he added.

A number of bleat experts were called in to interpret a lie detector test that was given to the animal last night. They were specifically looking for a rattling noise through the nose threat that would indicate the goat failed to bleat the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witchcraft and transformation are widespread beliefs in Nigeria. In fact, the second highest crime in the country is selling one’s mother-in-law to places like PetSmart after transforming them into reptiles.

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Amateur Art – Putin Painting Fetches $1.1 Million at Auction

A snowfall painting by amateur artist and Russian Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin, was recently auctioned for charity. It raised $1.1 million, or 37 million rubles.

The painting is one of a snowfall viewed by looking through a window. We are not sure if it is a scene similar to the ones he watched while earning his black belt and completing his KGB course in Okhta, Leningrad; or if it represents many sleepless nights in St. Petersburg, looking out the window, while serving on the Committee for External Relations.

News sources say that he completed the painting with the help of a professional in 20 minutes.

The bidding was exciting at the auction house, starting at only 20,000 rubles and ending in an impressive bidding frenzy.

This auction was superseded only by one other in Thailand; it was a painting that was done by an elephant, also assisted by a professional.

"Of all the paintings presented there, this was the best one," said a spokeswoman for "Our Artists," the Moscow gallery that bought the painting.

I found the Thailand video below:



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Mr. Burger’s Bushy Eyebrows

Si Burger, a retired 72-year-old jeweler from Bloomfield, IN, never shaved his eyebrows and they grew to be three inches long. Every morning, he diligently brushed them 100 strokes, but his friends and family wanted his eyebrows trimmed.

The eyebrows were not long enough to make Ripley’s Believe It or Not, but they did manage to get into the cocktail sauce at his local Rotary Club, irritating his friends; and occasionally into his windshield wipers, irritating his wife.

He couldn’t figure out why he kept getting fan mail for a Philadelphia news anchor named Joe Phipps. It turns out that Si only had Phipps by an inch on the brows.

The last straw for his wife was on a short vacation that they took to New York City. She chose to go to New York, because whenever they left Bloomfield, a town that had grown accustomed to his eyebrows, they could never enjoy themselves, as waiters kept hanging around their table with dog clippers and candle wax. One waitress offered Si a bobby pin to hold back his brows when he ordered the vichyssoise. Then, she even asked the couple if “The Shaggy Dog” was their favorite movie.

New York didn’t turn out any better, when Si’s eyebrows got caught in the escalator railing at Macys and the fire department had to be called to the scene.

Back in Bloomfield, the local Chamber of Commerce came up with a brilliant idea. Since Si has already donated $7,000 to PolioPlus over the last few years, they decided to charge people $100 each to clip his eyebrows for that charity. He could not resist raising money for his favorite charity and friends and family were champing at the bit to get rid of the brows. A total of $1,600 was raised for PolioPlus, as local businessmen joined the initiative.

After they shaved off his eyebrows, his wife said that he looked 20 years younger and bought a little something at Victoria’s Secret. With a broad smile, Si told reporters that he is not letting the brows grow back.

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Inauguration Day 2009 - Proud to be American

After listening to President Obama’s speech, which contained many references to American sacrifices for peace and freedom, I remembered as a child, being told of ancestors, who fought in the Revolutionary and Civil Wars.

About two years ago, I traveled to South Glastonbury, CT, and located the acid rain-damaged tombstone at Still Hill Cemetery where my 4th great grandfather, Solomon Chappell, a Revolutionary soldier, is buried. It sent chills up my spine, as I have always been an avid student of American History and a great admirer of those who have served in our military. Later, Solomon’s grandson, Ira S. Chappell, served in Company E, 1st infantry, Michigan, during the Civil War and has a marker in Portville, NY. Both men survived the wars and went on to marry and raise children. As a result of my family's military history, I felt especially moved by the following paragraphs of President Obama’s speech:

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have travelled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world...that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive...that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet it."

I am looking forward to the great changes that will take place in our country over the next four years and my prayers are with our new Commander in Chief:

Zimbabwe’s First Lady Slam Dunks Paparazzi

Grace Mugabe, the unpopular First Lady of Zimbabwe, was minding her own business on a great shopping spree in Hong Kong’s Kowloon peninsula, when paparazzi decided to harass and photograph her for the tabloids. They figure the country is in so much debt that photographing her spending money is fair game.

Everyone knows that Grace is also known as Zimbabwe’s “First Shopper,” as she spends mega bucks on clothes and luxury items all the time.

Richard Jones, who works as a photographer in Hong Kong for the Sunday Times, got a little carried away with himself, flashing way too many bulbs in Grace’s face. However, Grace would have nothing to do with Jones’ shenanigans; so she decked him. Actually, she got her body guard to knock him down so she could tear into him.

According to Jones, who needed medical attention after the attack, Grace “erupted into a wild rage.” "There were a lot of cuts and abrasions and they're still visible." A 15% off coupon was still sticking out of his ear and a toll ticket was lodged up a nostril. A size 7 shoe was in a secret undisclosed location.

"Everybody knows the reputation her husband has, but of course it was completely shocking when it happened. It came out of the blue," Jones added with an innocent look on his face.

No arrests were made and Jones has not decided whether to press charges against Mugabe.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Grace is promoting her line of Gucci bags:




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