Venice Offers E-ZPee Discount Cards Online

If you are planning a trip to Venice, you should know that many public restaurants and cafes post “No Toilet” signs, leaving the gabinetti pubblici (public toilets), or even the streets as the only other alternatives for relieving yourself.

Believe it or not, many American tourists have been using the streets or canals to pee, much to the chagrin of city officials. This has become such a huge problem, that Venice is offering weekly E-ZPee discount cards online that include the use of toilets via its “Venice Connected” service (http://www.veniceconnected.it).

Without a discount card, a single trip to a public bathroom will cost $1.33, or a single Euro coin. With the card, visitor’s only pay 7 Euros for 10 visits.

"For people who want some security, who don't want to go into a bar to buy a coffee or a roll, so they can go to the bathroom, this is a solution," a Venice city spokesman said. However, the online purchase has to be made at least 15 days before your trip.

Paying $1.33 to go to the bathroom is a bit steep, but figuring out how many times you will need to “go” 15 days before your trip, is bizarre.

We all know it depends entirely on the quality of food and fresh water, not to mention the coffee.

I suppose, you could fill a cup with water, sink it in a pot of water overnight to simulate flood conditions, then pull it up gradually, so as not to disturb the bacteria; then, zap it in the microwave, add a teaspoon of instant coffee, and gauge how fast it travels through your digestive system. That should take care of the morning toilet estimate.

Next, estimate soups, salad dressing, and linguini sauce by using the coffee number you estimated above, divided by 3 (4 if you don’t use milk), times the number of ounces of liquid in all the other foods you plan to eat each day.

If you are already in Venice and have a spur-of-the-moment drink, you are out of luck, as the local pharmacy does not sell impulse E-ZPee discount cards.

(I’m still having trouble getting the English translation at http://www.veniceconnected.it).

The Other Raoul

I hate politics, but couldn't resist this one:

CNN reports that Fidel Castro, the former Cuban president, is taking pot-shots at our new president on his blog.

I couldn’t get to his blog, www.cubadebate.cu, to read the article “Deciphering the Thinking of the New United States President," but did get the gist of the whole thing in a statement he released to the AP.

Referring to Guantanamo, which was leased to the U.S. by Cuba sometime in 1903 without an expiration date on the lease, he wants it back. Castro stated that “maintaining the military base on Cuban soil is against the will of our people, violating the most fundamental principles of international law."

Well, how about if we reinstate a Batista to political power in Cuba to compensate for the 1959 coup that Castro doesn’t remember is a violation of international law?

I already have a candidate in mind, Raoul G. Cantero, III (born Raoul Roberto Garcia-Cantero y Batista), the grandson of former Cuban president Fulgencio Batista, who was overthrown in 1959 by Fidel Castro. He is very qualified for the job, having experience as a former Florida lawyer and Justice of the Florida Supreme Court. It should solve at least one international injustice.

This is what you get for drinking and dictating at the same time:




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The Merry Men of MANuary

All across America, the month of January is being celebrated as Men’s History Month, or “MANuary.”

The movement, which began early in the Millennium, has gained in popularity and is the American male’s answer to GLBT History Month (October), Black History Month (February), and Women’s History Month (May).

It’s OK to give a guy a box of candy during MANuary, but in lieu of flowers, they prefer that twins Iris and Daisy jump out of a cake during the grand finale gala celebration on January 31st.

“Celebrating the lives of great men is important, especially for our young people who don't see many men break through the glass ceiling and lead major corporations or hold top governmental positions. Nothing against our state's two fine senators but, typically, they are two middle-aged white women,” reported Sam McManis of the SFGate.

Yes, MANuary is the month to celebrate all things Y-chromosome. There is even a “Men of Manuary” group on Facebook with over 2,000 members.

Our high school seniors actually have an itinerary. Among the MANuary things they do and don’t:

1. No shaving for the entire month, not even a trim

2. Participate in a weekly “tool guy” dress day at school

3. Take a swim in frigid water

4. Chop down a tree

5. Read "The Masculine Mystique"

6. Read Ben Franklin in American HERstory class

7. Complete a Sudoku in a sauna

8. Eat a MANwich within an allotted time frame

9. Maintain control of the TV remote, this is an apprenticeship

10. Leave the seat "up," also apprenticeship

I’m looking forward to the results of the Man Olympics scheduled for MANuary 30th -31st.

The Evil Blowfish Strikes Again

Fugu, also known as blowfish, sickened several people in a Tsuroka City, Japan, restaurant this week.

The report from Tokyo, indicated that the chef “had no license to serve blowfish.” He might even be charged with professional negligence.

On further investigation, I found that the chef was not cooking the whole fugu. He was serving sashimi created by preparing uncooked thin slices of the fugu creature’s testicles - a rare delicacy.

Since when do you need a license to serve blowfish?

I always cooked and served the blowfish that we caught out of New Jersey’s Barnegat Bay. No one ever got sick and I never had to get chef certification; but then, I never tried to find the fish’s testicles either.

Catching the blowfish was as exciting as watching Air Jordan and the Washington Wizards. If you took them off the hook and tossed them into the back of the boat too quickly, they would often puff themselves up and bounce back into the water like a basketball. All the locals refer to them as “pesky puffers.”

We managed to catch 60 of them once. There is "no limit" on the number of pesky puffers you can keep in New Jersey. You have to get them when they are hungry though, preferably late afternoon. I caught one with a small piece of hamburger bun and a number two hook. It must have been the smell of the Dijon mustard that attracted the fish. However, it took several hours to clean enough of them for dinner.

I remember them being coarse, scaly, and messy to clean. To clean them, we used thick rubber gloves, a sharp knife, and a pair of pliers. The fish have only one small piece of flesh running down the inside of the back bone that is edible. Pliers must be used to turn the fish practically inside out, so that the flesh can be extracted. After all that, we were trying to protect ourselves from the carnivorous greenhead flies, starving, and it was really too much work to go on a testicle hunt.

Recycled blowfish skin can be fashioned into Japanese lanterns.

Since there was no wasabi in the galley, I took them home to cook. When they are breaded and fried, blowfish taste like chicken.

New Jersey anglers rock!



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Macaroni Reaches a Rolling Boil on Wall Street

Tech stocks may have been the darlings of Wall Street in the late 1990s, but considering the sad state of the American economy, macaroni is here to stay.

Forget the low-carb and protein fads of recent years, and jump on the pasta bandwagon. Consumers are now rediscovering casseroles, soup, spaghetti, and the all time favorite, macaroni and cheese; as well as nourishing cuisine at inexpensive restaurants like the New Hampshire-based Portsmouth Loaf and Ladle.

The American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) of Kansas, and New World Pasta of Harrisburg, PA, are experiencing record sales.

New World Pasta is a leading marketer and supplier of dry pasta and noodles in the United States, and dry pasta, noodles, and rice in Canada.

AIPC stocks have risen on word that the economy sucks, but you can still feed a small family of four on just $5 a day with pasta dishes. AIPC stock closed at $23.73 last Friday, exceeding Wall Street expectations.

These days, all you need to survive are garlic, grated cheese, herbs, macaroni, olive oil, freshly ground black pepper, some green peppers, salt, tomato paste, tomatoes, a little Lambrusco, and meh! Who needs prime rib, right?

I wanted to test the $5 theory, so I went to my favorite shopping area in South Philadelphia, the Italian Market. I bought some cheese, Italian bread, olive oil, and pasta at Claudio’s; olive salad at DiBruno’s; some spice at the Spice Corner; produce at some of the open vendor stands along 9th street; and some meat at Esposito’s. I spent about $40, excluding the gallon can of olive oil, and had enough food for eight dinners. Of course, the trade-off was I had to make my own gravy – a five-hour process.

I ran into our local Moloch doctor, Mrs. Giordano, coming out of Fante’s. She still likes to buy expensive coffee beans, but chintzes on the antipasto.

“Ma! Barack he hasa big money problems,” She said. “Itsa gonna take sixa months to remova da ‘evil eye’ froma da stock market.”

“Buona giornata” (Have a nice day), I said, as she proceeded to walk down Washington Avenue, bloviating in Pugliese, while simultaneously cussing in American Sign Language.

Japanese Learn English via Presidential Speeches

A new run-away best seller in Japan, “The Speeches of Barack Obama,” was released only two months before the Inauguration of U.S. President Barack Obama. It is being used as an aid to learning English.

More than 400,000 copies have already been sold.

"Speeches by presidents and presidential candidates are excellent as listening tools to learn English, because their contents are good and their words are easy to catch," said Yuzo Yamamoto of Asahi Press, which published the popular text book.

"Obama's is especially so. His speeches are so moving, and he also uses words such as 'yes, we can,' 'change' and 'hope' that even Japanese people can memorize," he said. “Speeches by President George W. Bush do not have the same appeal."

The problems with Bush’s speeches are innumerable, but I have listed the top five:

1. He inserts extra syllables into some words, such as "misunderestimate," "hispanically" and "subliminable."

2. He often removes syllables, such as saying "unceptable" instead of "unacceptable."

3. He tends to pluralize words, when he should use the singular. For example “Internets.”

4. He gives some words a southern pronunciation.

5. He makes other blunders, such as saying "new-cue-ler" and “tearist” instead of “nuclear” and “terrorist.”

In addition to the President Obama speech book, a Barack Obama rubber mask has also become a top-selling item in Japan. The Tokyo-based Ogawa Rubber mask factory has announced that it sold more than 2,500 Barack Obama face masks in the month preceding the inauguration.

Now, anyone can stand around in the Village of Obama, Japan, wearing an Obama mask, and correctly pronounce the village’s favorite “senbei” food in English - "wasp crackers."

Goat Identified as Nigerian Scammer

Photo credit: REUTERS/Eric Gaillard

In Nigeria, police have detained a goat that is suspected of armed robbery. The goat is also being investigated as a bovid of interest, in sending Nigerian Scam letters via e-mail to people, promising to send millions of dollars to the victim’s bank account, in exchange for PIN and social security numbers.

The latest victims went to a Nigerian police station and accused the suspect of stealing a getaway car, a Mazda 323; using black magic to transform itself into a goat.

"The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat," Tunde Mohammed, a Kwara State Police spokesman told reporters.

"We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat," he added.

A number of bleat experts were called in to interpret a lie detector test that was given to the animal last night. They were specifically looking for a rattling noise through the nose threat that would indicate the goat failed to bleat the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witchcraft and transformation are widespread beliefs in Nigeria. In fact, the second highest crime in the country is selling one’s mother-in-law to places like PetSmart after transforming them into reptiles.

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