10 Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

There's a man who leads a life of danger
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger
With every move he makes another chance he takes
Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow

Secret agent man, secret agent man
They've given you a number and taken away your name.

~ P.F. Sloan and S. Barri

A spy swap took place in NYC yesterday; it was the biggest bust since Peter Sellers' escapades in “The Mouse That Roared.”

On Monday, 10 Russian spies were brought into night court in Miami, FL. One-by-one, they caved and confessed. A defense attorney couldn’t figure out why they gave each other up so easily. Then, he peeked under the defense table and saw The Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay with a Black and Decker ball buster enjoying himself.

Judge Ito questioned each of the U.S. Defendents, who were hiding here under assumed names working odd jobs, and blending in with American society. One gentleman blended in so well that he kept forgetting to call his Russian contact, but kept sitting in Dairy Queen every day enjoying the blizzards. He also forgot exactly what he was supposed to be reporting to his contact.

The 10 U.S. defendants were captured sometime during the July 4th holiday and were found to have false passports, secret code words, fake names, invisible ink, and Little Orphan Annie decoder rings.

White House chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, told reporters that the 10 were being deported in exchange for a few Americans that were arrested for spying in Moscow.

In Russia, the Kremlin said that President Dmitry Medvedev sent a YouTube video to the White House showing an American spy downing shots and spilling his guts on Russian TV. He had also been caught painting "Kilroy Was Here" signs in the St. Petersburg subway.

The U.S. Department of Justice had enough when two of the Russian spies became famous on Facebook: Anna Chapman for indecent exposure, and Igor Sutyagin for selling Fabergé egg knock-offs. They sent the Kremlin a YouTube video of their spies demonstrating gross stupidity.

Upon being deported in night court, the spies were flown to NYC where the exchange took place. The Russians were last seen stumbling off a plane in Vienna on Thursday. The stewardess had served each of them about twenty shots of Double Cross Vodka.

Postal Rate Increases: Stop With the JibJab Stamps

Photo Courtesy of Danny Gallagher - http://www.dannygallagher.net

The Post Office is raising our rates again to 46 cents for First Class mail in January. They wouldn’t have to keep raising the rates if the boys in the executive suite would only quit playing craft games and JibJab with our money.

It costs extra to print stamps with pictures and drawings of Oscar Micheaux, Kate Smith, Katherine Hepburn, Cowboys of the Silver Screen, Pansies in a Basket, Bill Mauldin, Gary Cooper and Bob Hope. They should economize and keep it simple like just the American Flag and Liberty Bell.

If I want stickers, I can buy them separately.

When I send Uncle Harry a birthday card, I like to put stickers all over the back. He is partial to the Marx Brothers and the Post Office hasn’t figured out how to JibJab Harpo, so I shop at Michael's or A. C. Moore. It keeps my creative juices flowing.

I hate to spoil their fun, but we need to cut costs. I don’t need a choice between the Liberty Bell Stamp with or without the butt crack, you know?

They could sell us a bunch of blanks that are compatible with LaserJet printers and let us do our own thing. We can customize our own stamps and keep it at 44 cents.

I like the Danny Gallagher Stamp (pictured above). He is the famous author of “Movies That Suck” and an all around nice guy. I’d like to use his stamp whenever I write to Congress about government spending.

It would also keep Postal employees postal.

Rebecca Petner Campaign: One Day Left to Vote

Philadelphia native, Rebecca Petner, is campaigning big time for a shot at her own talk show on the Oprah Network. She already has an impressive 180,000 votes, but needs more!

Celebrate the start of Independence Day weekend by helping her realize an American dream.

Rebecca is a La Salle graduate and also attended the Philadelphia Improv Theatre (PHIT). She is a very talented lady.

Please vote for her here: Vote for Rebecca

Mark Souder: The Benny Hill of Indiana

In the wake of yet another scandal in American politics, Rep. Mark Souder of Indiana has admitted to an illicit affair and announced his resignation. Apparently, Souder, who is married with three grown children, allegedly found the girl of his dreams among his staffers and faced following in the footsteps Eric Massa, who’s case is now before the House Ethics Committee, unless he fessed up.

Previously, when the subject of his infidelity surfaced, Souder told everyone that the rumors were unfounded and blamed the vicious lies on “revenge politics.”

After getting caught, however, 60-year-old Souder made a statement to the press about his liaison with the loose woman in question. He said that he "sinned against God, my wife and my family by having a mutual relationship with a part-time member of my staff. I wish I could have been a better example. In this poisonous environment of Washington, D.C., any personal failing is seized upon, often twisted, for political gain. I am resigning rather than to put my family through that painful, drawn-out process.. We are a committed family but the error is mine and I should bear the responsibility. Not only am I thankful for a loving family but for a loving God."

Souder served eight terms in Indiana. He allegedly took up with the loose woman in 2004 and has suffered from Emerald Forest Syndrome ever since. His last day on the taxpayer’s money is Friday, May 21st. Insiders said that his part-timer asked him for a raise a few times, but he abstained. She is making less than minimum wage.

When Souder contacted senior House leaders to discuss his exit over the coming weekend, he was told to keep his shorts on.

Investigators, looking for incriminating evidence, found this video in his study labeled “My Hero:”

In the anals of Indiana history, Souder and Tracy Jackson discuss "abstinence:"

Social Networking: Erma Bombeck and Baltimore Oreoles Earl Weaver

Lately, media sources have been putting the fear of God into viewers by saying that having a Facebook account can be hazardous to your identity. Take precautions, but don't listen to the doomers and gloomers. There is gold in them there hills.

I have a personal philosophy “Everything in moderation.” That includes social networking and sites like Facebook and Twitter.

If you have been hesitant about joining Facebook, I’d like you to see the bright side - it’s a way to keep in touch with friends and relatives that live too far away to punch in the nose, or pop in for good conversation and coffee.

Recently, I met with a group of friends in Dayton, Ohio, at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. Some of them live in California, Florida, Maryland, Massachusetts, Minnesota, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Texas. We communicate on Facebook almost daily. Our mascot and friend, E. B. Heron also has a fan page there as well. Its called the “The Letters and Travels of E. B. Heron.” In fact, several of my friends have published articles and written books. They post links on Facebook and Twitter, so we can all enjoy them. We stay in touch.

Mo Rocca covered the Workshop for Charles Osgood's CBS Sunday Morning. He contacted all of us this morning with a clip of his interview with our friend, Tracy Beckerman, author of "Rebel Without a Minivan."



It made me reflect on how wonderful it could have been, if social networking technology was available in Erma's day.

Then, my Facebook friend from Baltimore, Sister Mary Wojo (see photo), contacted me about baseball season and what it means to her:


Baltimore comedienne, Michele Wojciechowski


Sister writes content for a really cool site called “Welcome to Baltimore, Hon!” her input is all about Baltimore and her nostalgic remembrances of the area. If you live there, you have to bookmark the site.

Once, she elaborated on the Baltimore burial site of poet, Edgar Allen Poe, which had been blessed for many years with roses and tequila on his birthday. This time, however, she told me that she has a special place in her heart for Baltimore Orioles’ Earl Weaver. She prays for him every day.

Sister reminds us all about the trials and tribulations of playing good baseball:



Yes, social networking is a good thing!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Cinco de Mayo (May 5th) is touted as the quintessential celebration of freedom for Mexicans throughout the world, although it is not actually Mexico’s Independence Day.

Cinco de Mayo represents a small victory that occurred in 1862, when a small Mexican army held the French at bay in the town of Puebla, Mexico, during the French invasion. As a result, you will find festivals with piñatas dressed as French soldiers getting the dulces beat out of them in major cities all across the United States. Rumor has it that this year, there is also a piñata likenesses of Rush Limbaugh.

So what is the real authentic cuisine, you ask?

Anybody can make a taco, but the real staple food in Mexico is the mole poblano.

Legend has it that two nuns from Puebla, seeking to compete with the French Cajuns and feed unexpected guests, used a molcajete (mortar and pestle) to throw some spicy left-overs together. It must have been good, as the dish has remained a tradition in Mexico.

If you want to hold an authentic celebration, you need to have guests show up in both French and Mexican costumes, serve mole poblanos with plenty of margaritas and cerveza (beer), and let them duke it out. Pick your favorite piñata – a donkey or chili pepper would be most appropriate this year.

Disfrutar de la celebración!

May the Fourth be With You

As I threw the youngest Duloks into the shower and went about getting them off to school this morning, I noticed that there was only a handful of Cheerios left, the butter was left out all night, and the milk has gone sour. Not only that, but during the night, the Ewok cat had climbed the curtains again and the family goldfish is floating on its back.

“Oatmeal this morning, kids” I yelled from the bottom of the stairs.

“Yuck!” was the unanimous response.

“Hurry up, or you’ll miss the Millennium Falcon Express and you’ll have to walk to school.”

The Force in my house is not only below warp speed in the morning, but if you didn’t know better, you would swear that the carpet is made out of fly paper. The Duloks are in slow motion looking for a toothbrush that was last used to brush Ewok’s tail. They are just standing there, stuck to the floor, swaying from side-to-side. Han Solo is doing his homework on the floor in the hallway and texting someone to start the clone wars. They are conspiring with the Dark Side to copy homework on the bus.

Princess Leia is snapping pictures of her brother on the commode and threatening to transmit them to a droid in waiting, if he doesn’t give her the two dollars that he owes her. For a split-second, he sounded like Darth Vader readying his lightsaber and almost kicked the bathroom door off its hinges, trying to keep it closed.

My Wookiee awoke just in time to save the day, stepped on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and in Shyriiwook yelled something like “I’m gonna kick your ass!”

Immediately, I heard the thunder and lightning of little feet fleeing for their lives. They bounded into the kitchen, took in three tablespoons of fuel, ran out the door, and jumped on the Falcon within nanoseconds of its departure.

This is a typical morning at my house.

May the Fourth be with you.