Splendor in the Grass at Windsor Castle

This news article was released today by Scotland Yard in London: Click Here

The Queen was in her counting house,
Counting out her money;
Some bloke was in the grass,
Cuddling straight up to his honey.

The sentries were at once aghast,
Public indecency exposed;
The hot and horny couple,
Were quite promptly duly hosed.

A witness to this event , Mark Robinson, told reporters that while all this was going on in front of Windsor Castle, “one window from the guardroom opened up and when a soldier saw what was going on he told his mates — and lots of windows opened up. The couple did not care who was looking and just kept going as if they were in their own bedroom."

Thames Valley Police promptly arrested the drunken couple, and issued them a warning about “outraging public decency.”

Humorist/Rocker Babe Lynette Sheffield is Really Funny

My friend, Lynette K. G. Shefield, a fellow humor writer and Erma Bombeck fan, has written a terrific family humor book about life in Bend, Oregon, "They Still Drop Turkeys at KTWS in Bend, Orgegon: My Life as a Twinster."

It is a hilarious read about her antics with the disc jockeys at a local classic rock station, KTWS, 98.3 - The Twins. Those who listen to The Twins are referred to as "Twinsters" and their motto is, "Being a Twinster is not a spectator sport."

Lynette also operates a web site called "Lynette is Funny" simply because she walks around all day with a notebook and pencil jotting down punch lines at the station, like the rest of us do with Joe Biden Gaffes (i.e. "Stand up, Chuck, let 'em see ya" to wheelchair-bound Senator Chuck Graham); only her's are funnier.

Lynette claims that she could be residing in beautiful San Diego, CA, but lives in Bend, Oregon, because her husband refused to stop and ask for directions while they were out house hunting. She also has two teenagers and you know what family fun that can generate.

Most of the events described in this book actually happened to Lynette, except for the part where she finally loses that last 15 pounds and becomes an exotic dancer. Names would have been changed to protect the innocent but there aren't any.

The book is available at Amazon.com. Lynette also puts out an e-mail humor column. If you want to subscribe, send an email to lynette@bendcable.com with "subscribe" in the subject line.

Yo Quiero Tinker Bell!

You are going to find this difficult to believe, but a Chihuahua in Michigan named “Tinker Bell” got caught in a 70 mph gust of wind and landed safely about a mile away.

Read News Article

No one knows why Dorothy and Lavern Utley named their six pound Chihuahua, Tinker Bell, but if you have ever owned a Chihuahua, you already know that the breed is nervous by nature. Chihuahuas will sit and shake like a bowl of jello if you simply raise your voice around them. They are perpetual nervous break downs in a noisy city; but taking a Chihuahua on a 70 mph one-mile ride, like the tornado in “The Wizard of Oz”,” is probably worse than riding the Millennium Force roller coaster at Cedar Point in San Dusky, OH.

Not to worry though, Tink survived and landed a date with the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

Democrats Welcome Back Kotter

Everyone is making such a big deal out of Senator Arlen Specter switching parties and the Twitters are going wild.

People seem to forget that back in the 1960s when he was an Assistant DA under Jim Crumlish and the South Philly "Sweathogs" all worked for Angelo Bruno and Antonio Caponigro, Specter was a Democrat. Then, when he wanted to run for District Attorney in 1965, he switched to Republican.

By the time The Cisco Kid ran for mayor, Specter had already made his bones on Capitol Hill and finally won the Senate seat in 1980.

He was glad to be out of Philadelphia politics, as Andrea Mitchell was constantly locking horns with the Big Bambino (Frank Rizzo) and all hell broke loose. Accusations were flying about the police department being used for espionage and rumors had Mayor Rizzo and Republican Richard Nixon in bed together. This does not include the solid gold door knob from hell on Rizzo's house.

"I have found myself increasingly at odds with the Republican philosophy and more in line with the philosophy of the Democratic Party," Specter said at a recent news conference. "I am not prepared to have my 29 year record in the United States Senate decided by the Pennsylvania Republican primary electorate."

You can read the entire article here.

Welcome Back Kotter!

People Actually Gauge Farts on Twitter

I was checking the Allweirdnews.com web site today and found this article about a guy named Randy Sarafan, who has roughly 200 people on Twitter following his farts.

This takes office boredom to an all time low.

Apparently, Randy rigged his office chair to detect the methane density of his farts. Then, he transmits the information to his Twitter followers.

The technology is not complicated and involves a natural gas sendor, Arduino, and XBee wireless.

I couldn’t believe this, so I went out on Twitter to find Randy Sarafan.

Instead, I found @captainfart with 2,322 followers, www.silentbutdeadlyfartclub.com with a stink-o-meter, @fart_master, @fartsandwich, and a few others with fewer followers.

America’s new preoccupation:

Can You Think and Chew Wrigley's at the Same Time?

Wrigley's is sponsoring a study trying to determine if chewing gum in the classroom results in less stress and higher grades for students.

I could have told them that it does without the expensive study. After all, I wore the stuff on my nose often enough when I got caught with it in school. Plus, the advertising mascots, the Doublemint Twins, had their pictures glued to the inside of 70% of the boy's lockers.

When report cards came out, those with the mascots and fewer blackheads on the tips of their noses, got higher grades than the kids on Riddlin, broiled fish, and spinach:

Click here to read the Case Study

According to the study, Wrigley says that the reason schools ban the use of chewing gum is because of bad disposal habits. Janitors claim to have found the stuff stuck to chairs, desks, under tables, and on the walls in the John. I maintain that the primary reason gum is banned is because of the cracking noise some people make while chewing. It often sounds like a Colt 45 going off in the lavatory, or the grand finale to an Emeril Lagasse "Cajun Cooking with Dynamite!" show, I gar-on-tee!

Now, if Wrigley was smart, it would get someone in the lab to manufacture a grainy fluoride wonder that can be chewed in lieu of brushing. Kids hate to brush their teeth and adults are often too busy working, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, helping with homework, car pooling to and from the gym, or walking the dog.

As a working mother, I actually slept through a NASCAR race once. While the pit crew was loudly sucking off the lugs and changing the tires on the Juicy Fruit car, I dreamt that I was writing a Stephen King-type novel about a vacuum cleaner that contained a black hole from the Large Hadron Collider and sucked up half of Switzerland. Just as I was about to give the monstrosity a title, some red-neck Godzilla from Dover, Delaware, startled me when he jumped up and yelled "YEAH! JUAN MONTOYA!" He had a very hairy back where the number 42 was neatly shaved out. I was pissed, as that was the first time in six weeks I was able to take a productive nap.

Life is Like a Box of Chocolates

My friend Ethel and her husband, Stan, a former Marine MP, were doing their usual Saturday morning routine with the kids, motivating them to do their household chores.

Jody, the family boa constrictor, was isolated from the kid's hamsters: Freddie, Turk, Max, and Snapes - their favorite pets. The last one came to live with them after young Albert read "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets."

Freddie was minding his own business running around in his cage and the kids were sound asleep. It was 06:00 hours.

"Hit the deck!" Stan yelled.

No one stirred.

Stan got pissed.

Nudging the youngest off the bunk, you could hear the whining and stomping of little feet.

"Every time you stamp yo' feet
Jody gets a piece of meat.

One, two,
Sound off!

Three, four,
Cadence count!

One, two, three, four

One, two, three, four."

... and then there were only three hamsters.

Stan was an avid neat/clean freak. He got anal about everything from lint to water droplets in the sink. He also had psoriasis, which meant that Ethel and the kids were constantly picking up remnants of strak epidermis that once served in Kuwait.

Freddie had met his demise that day, but all of the household chores got done.

There must have been a lesson to be learned from that, but me and Ethel couldn't figure it out. I live right next door, so she would always come over shaking her head and I would get out the Parrot Bay.

We lamented about writing the lyrics to a Country Western song. We decided to call it "The Youngin's of Semper Fi."

On Sunday morning, this news article URL was posted (yellow post note) and pasted to the box of nails that Stan usually ate for breakfast. The note was left by his asthmatic child:

Click here to read the News Article

There was also a 1,000-word essay attached complaining about the weekly boot-camp routine. The author was listed as "anon:"

"Dear Dad, Sir!" the note began, "Mom and I are sick of buying hamsters even though this is proof that the lice are good for my asthma and Jody would rather eat mice anyway. My friend, Ralph, says that we are all a bit dysfunctional, but at least his dad gives them an extra 10 minutes before getting out the riffle and pelting them all with the paint balls... and will you quit calling Max 'Maggot'?"

A few expletives later, I poured Ethel a very dry martini with olives. There was a bit of orange acrylic still dripping off her nose...

"I burnt the English muffins" she said.

"When's the court-martial?" I asked.

"As soon as Albert washes the car, mows the lawn, and Snapes gives him 50 push-ups"