Thursday, February 18, 2010

Big Bertha Teaches BlackJack

There is no place for age discrimination in the American workforce, as instructors at the Philadelphia Police Academy recently found out.

“Big Bertha” Spinelli told friends and family that she wanted to be a police instructor. She felt qualified as the mother of six sons, five of whom have gotten into altercations with police officers and are serving time for various felonies. Friends laughed, as the Spinelli’s are rumored to be related to the NY Gambino crime family. Their arrests have made South Philadelphia history.

However, Big Bertha has police procedure down to a science and she herself has a clean record.

When her first born, Sammy “the slip” got arrested, police clubbed him right outside Big Bertha’s house. She took notes.

When the second oldest got caught assaulting a surveillance officer. She noted backup procedure, as well as the proper use of the infamous cosh, paddy whacker, billy stick.

This went on for several years, until she mastered the art of positive thinking and figured out a way to turn her sad progeny situation into a positive. She had a three-ring binder full of police procedures. She also broke into Officer Miller’s house one night and stole all his Police Directives.

“My sons dey maka me mad,” she said. “Why dey don’t be good boys? When dey were smalla, I give dem da knuckle sandwich. Dey still don’ta behave. Now, I getta da job. I show dem! Da nexta time dey screw-up dey are dead meat.”

She proved her ability to wield an iron hand, when she was shopping in a local convenience store, while visiting family in Massachusetts, and a guy came in with a gun to rob the place. Big Bertha let him have it and the robber fled the scene. Security cameras caught the entire incident. The robber was apprehended, when a police sector car saw him holding his bleeding forehead as he was running down the street.

Big Bertha packs a wallop.

She just got hired to teach blackjack classes at the Philadelphia Police Academy. Big Bertha is 77 years old.

Never mess with old ladies.

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