Internet Buzz Today: Humor Columnist Rose A. Valenta on Tour

Wait a minute, that's me!

I just had to share the news with you. I will be on a virtual book tour with Pump Up Your Book from January 3rd to February 25, 2011. The write up by Dorothy Thompson at BlogHer started it all today, then it went viral getting picked up by NPR and USA TODAY:

Read Dorothy's article at BlogHer

Next, Sitting on Cold Porcelain made the "Top 25 Self-Published Novels of 2010" at Gelati's Scoop!

I am so excited. Thanks to all of you who read my blog and have purchased my book.

The Kindle Edition of Sitting on Cold Porcelain at Amazon has been doing great. Hopefully, more of you will have a Kindle on Christmas and can order the electronic edition.

I will keep you posted about the upcoming tour, stay tuned.

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!



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Meet the Real Captain Underpants

BCB International, a British manufacturer, has developed a pair of men’s underpants that will protect your junk from terrorist attack.

President Obama wore a pair of them on his recent trip to Afghanistan.

Read news article

I was trying to figure out how BCB tested the bombproof boxer shorts in its R&D department, but they refused to comment. One spokesman, whose voice sounded very much like Andy Kaufman’s when he played Ladka in Taxi, said that he participated in the user acceptance testing. It is probably an indication that things did not run smoothly.

When you wear these “Blast Boxers,” not only will your junk be protected at airports and shopping malls, but you will be doing the girls a favor. They won't have to look at each other when you walk into a room, whispering "That guy, boxer or jockey?"

The shorts will make ideal gifts for guys in our military. Of course, the DoD has already purchased several thousand pairs, and as soon as they get the minor glitches out, they will be standard issue to our deployed troops.

"We believe they will make a real difference," said Andrew Howell of BCB International. "We managed to test all of our clothing on a group of Army volunteers, who were gracious enough to make this training video:"

Mastering One-Upmanship

Zoiks Online, one of the most popular humor magazines on the web has reviewed Sitting on Cold Porcelain.

Read the Review

Sitting on Cold Porcelain makes an ideal stocking stuffer for that hard-to-buy-for person on your Christmas list. You know, the practical joker, who has been disrupting your world. It has gotten 5-star reviews at Amazon.com and it is offered at a great price:

Read the Reviews

Buy one for yourself, as well. It will provide you with hours of entertainment either on the john or the couch.

As some of you know, in order to support my writing habit, I have been working as a lifeguard for the local Country Club. The tips have been low due to our current economic downturn. All of our wealthy customers have been parking their own cars lately and bringing their own booze as well.

One of my lifeguard co-workers is so unnerved by the tip situation, he decided to get even:


Funny - Funny Videos

Needless to say, his next exciting career opportunity is "Head Bidet" at the Nemacolin Resort and Health Spa.

So, If you are among the folks, who enjoy reading Rosie’s Renegade Humor Blog, please help to support my habit and buy a copy of Sitting on Cold Porcelain. I’m trying to get it qualified as a “prop” in a sitcom, so I can quit my day job:

Order your copy here

Thanks in advance,

Rosie

© 2010, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Wade Phillips: Dancing With the Stars?

For years coaches Wade Phillips and Joe Gibbs were the Tommy and Dickey Smothers of football. They competed for wins and ratings. Gibbs retired, but not until he and two of his sons started Joe Gibbs Motorsports and set all time record wins in NASCAR racing. Then Joe went back to the Red Skins, pulled Phillips' chains again, and retired before Phillips could get even.

Well today, the favorite coach competition is really over. Wade Phillips got sacked from the Dallas Cowboys.

Did he moan and groan "Who Moved My Cheese?"

Hell no. This video shows what he did. Maybe we will see him on Dancing With the Stars?

© 2010, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Nancy Pelosi: A Dead Donkey?

Nancy Pelosi is running for House Minority Leader. You have to wonder why, right?

Read news article

In her recent interview with Diane Sawyer, Pelosi said that she believes Obama is going to win in 2012. I’m not sure how many other people agree with her, but I believe that he has as much chance at winning that election as Monty Paulsen.

Recent polls show that Pelosi only has an 11% approval rating among registered voters. About 47% of the registered voters think she should leave the country - you know, most of us do read the fine print on bills and contracts before we sign them. However, we're not Rush Limbaugh whiney-mouthy about it by sending up the Goodyear blimp either. Rush thinks his listeners need their noses rubbed into it 24x7, like we need to listen to multi-millionaire bullies. He needs an extreme makeover and she is in denial.

I did some research and found out that 70-year-old Nancy is worth about $15 million and has a nice home in Washington, DC and Pacific Heights, CA; as well as a millionaire husband, five grown children, and seven grandchildren. She should quit while she is still ahead, otherwise her rating may drop down to 1%, Obama will lose, and she will realize that she could have been spending her money taking the grandchildren to Disneyland and drinking margaritas with her husband in Aruba or something else exciting and fun. At least with him, her approval rating is greater than 11%.

I don’t see the productivity and sense of accomplishment in either riding or beating a dead donkey.

All the Pelosi’s sent the following video, labeled "Grandma We Love You" to Nancy, hoping that she will change her mind; take them to Disneyland, and write memoirs...then, become a Republican or a conservative Democrat, so she can go talk to Ann Coulter and figure out she has a better approval rating with them and enjoys Disneyland better.

© 2010, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

‘You’ve Got Mail’ Depleting the Owl Population in India

Harry Potter mania has hit India. As a result, people are removing owls from their natural habitat to perform at birthday celebrations and deliver birthday messages to Hola Maholla partiers. The government is trying to figure out how to preserve its owl population in the wild. If you want to visualize the wild in India, it equates to about 5 New York City blocks, so preserving wildlife there is a problem.

Read news article

Environment Minister, Jairam Ramesh, is warning all the Hedwig followers to grow back their hair and return to Sikhism, to save the owls. He blames all the folks, who come to America on H1B Visas to work on computer systems and wind up succumbing to Western philosophy by shaving, removing their turbans, wearing suits and ties, and eating lunch at Hooters with their co-workers.

“The only hooters they should be worrying about are the endangered barn owls not standing on platform 9 ¾” he said. “They go to America, bring back Harry Potter books, import pumpkin juice, trap owls, and have a negative impact on our culture.”

Mastering Elephant Smuggling

“Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.” Alexander Woollcott

While we in America are voting Republican to send a message to Washington during the mid-term elections, the government in India has a more pressing problem – smuggling.

Over 92 elephants have been smuggled in India. Elephants are religious icons there.

How does one smuggle an elephant?

Don’t ask me. I couldn’t even smuggle a tiny silver medal of St. Christopher past customs at Rome Airport. I am just as amazed as I was when David Copperfield lost one of our icons, the Statue of Liberty in New York, for a half-hour.

Elephants are a status symbol in India, equivalent to an American owning an estate with an in-ground pool and a Lamborghini roaming your property with a driver ready to take you anywhere you choose.

Read the news article about elephants

While our department of Homeland Security did not get involved when Copperfield disguised Lady Liberty, the Indian government not only had to get involved with elephant smuggling, but the Chief of Homeland Security in Uttar Pradesh also tried to overcome a language barrier while communicating its predicament with INTERPOL.

INTERPOL, the CIA, and the FBI are still baffled by what he said. Evidently, he has learned a lesson from Janet Napolitano, "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with..." well, in this case, elephant dung.

If you see a large brown round object on the street in Times Square, don't walk through it bare footed.

Jersey Devil Spotted in Washington Township

On Mischief night, over in Washington Township, NJ, three brothers that I know, Mark, Bob, and Luke Nigel were enjoying themselves soaping cars, while their parents thought they were at their friend, Hari’s house watching a movie.

Amid muffled giggles, the kids marveled at their creativity. Bob, who was a good artist, had soaped a picture of Darth Vader on a windshield, and Spiderman was on someone’s back window. Luke fired off some acrylic paint balls at mailboxes. The only car left unscathed was their dad’s new Chrysler 300.

Afterwards, Luke went home. Mark and Bob ditched the left over soap in a nearby drain and started walking through the woods adjacent to their back yard.

The quiet and eerie woods echoed the sounds of an owl and a patchy breeze rustling through the trees. Some tall trees with faces and bare zigzag branches cast their spirit shadows in the boy's path. An owl swooped down to grab a rodent that was scurrying around, its wings just missed the top of Mark's head, and the boys began to walk faster. Then, someone in a Halloween costume appeared. It was half bat with wings, a long tail, and a horse face with horns. It was the strangest costume the boys had ever seen.

"Hey, that's a good costume, what kind of a ghoul are you?

"I'm not a ghoul at all," the creature responded.

"What's your name?"

"Leeds"

"Do you live around here?"

"You might say that."

"Secretive aren't you? You shouldn't be out here by yourself, wanna go trick or treating with us tomorrow night?"

"Not unless they're giving out ham and eggs." Then, Leeds let out a horrible screech and disappeared into the woods behind Nigel's property.

"What the heck was THAT?" Bob said as they went running home.

"I dunno, maybe it was a burglar. Hurry up!" Mark said frantically.

The boys got home and into bed before their parents arrived home.

"Do you think we'll get caught?" Bob asked.

"No," Mark answered, "We'll deny everything and blame it on Luke."

Halloween morning was a total nightmare, Mr. Nigel was furious about the cars and the neighbors were furious with Nigel for letting the kids out of the house. He put the boys on the carpet and badgered them with questions about the night before.

"Dad, there was this strange kid in the neighborhood last night; he said his name was Leeds and he was dressed up in a bat and horse costume. Mark and I saw him when we came back from Hari's house. We only watched a movie"

Leeds?" Mr. Nigel said, "What exactly did he look like?"

The boys described the costume and Leeds' exact comments about ham and eggs. Mr. Nigel was skeptical, but gave them the benefit of a doubt.

The morning paper was sitting on the front porch "JERSEY DEVIL SPOTTED IN WASHINGTON TOWNSHIP" the headlines read. Mr. Nigel read the article and with a look of shock, told the boys what had happened. The creature in the article was spotted about a quarter-mile away from the Nigel's home and described almost exactly as the boys had told their father. It was seen raiding a chicken coop.

"Gee dad, do you think he did it?" Mark asked.

Mr. Nigel's eyebrows narrowed.

"He missed my Chrysler," he clenched his teeth. "However, I will look into this further. Go to your room for a while."

The boys went upstairs feeling a little apprehensive about what lay ahead for the rest of their day.

"Hey, that was close," Bob breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yeah, for a minute there, I thought we would get punished on Halloween."

"I don't believe that we actually saw that Jersey Devil!" Mark said, "Awesome!"

Mr. Nigel finished reading the paper and called his friend over at the police station to find out what happened.

"We've had news reporters outside since early this morning, Howard," his friend said. "In addition to the sightings, someone started a fire over at the Craig's. Mrs. Craig could not positively identify the perpetrator, so she blamed all the kids within a 3-mile radius, including your boys. I told her that your boys wouldn't set fire to bags of dog feces and that if she didn't see who did it, we couldn't do anything, except file an incident report."

The hairs on the back of Mr. Nigel's neck stood up when the fire was mentioned, as he was aware of the fireworks fiasco the night before that at Hari's, when they were "allegedly" celebrating Diwali.

"In case you were not aware of the history of the Jersey Devil," his friend continued, "It allegedly originated in Leeds Point and has been spotted throughout three counties for over 200 years. Sounds like a local myth to me, though."

"Leeds?" Mr. Nigel responded.

"Yes, legend has it that a Mrs. Leeds over in the Pine Barrens gave birth to the devil 200 years ago. It was her 13th child. It was cursed from conception, as the lady didn't want another child. When it was born, it looked just as it does in reported sightings, half bat and half horse with a long tail. It flew out the window scaring its midwife, and has been on the loose ever since."

Mr. Nigel thanked his friend, and hung up.

"Poppy cock!" he commented, as he sat in the kitchen pensively munching on his cold pizza like a dog on a bone. The family dog, an overweight Golden Retriever named Buckwheat, was sitting patiently for a crumb to fall off the table. His eyes were blinking quickly, as if he was anticipating a shower of crumbs and he began to drool.

"Ruff!" Buckwheat pleaded, but still no crumb of pizza was forthcoming. He muffled a sound of disappointment, belched, and laid back down. His jowls were spread out across the comic section of the newspaper on the floor like lava that had just petered out after running down the side of a mountain. They stopped just short of a Mike Peters' cartoon of a demented Superhero, who even looked like Howard Nigel.

"Do you think we should let the children go out trick or treating tonight with that thing on the loose?" Mom asked.

"Don't worry, I'll go with them" he assured her.

On Halloween, the boys wore pirate costumes. They told all their friends about the Jersey Devil incident and their mom got a phone call from two newspaper reporters, who interviewed them for the Courier-Post about the sighting.

They went out trick or treating hoping they didn’t run into Leeds!

Schiller’s Hole in Juan

The recent events at FoxNews: First, the Bill O’Reilly fiasco regarding Muslims on The View; then, Juan Williams getting fired from NPR for making a personal remark about Muslims on The Factor, made me think about what my grandmother always told me about “moderation.” In her opinion, you can do almost anything in moderation, as long as there is no law against it. Her side of the family immigrated to America in 1634, aboard the Christian from London, so I figured she knew something about American freedoms and common sense. At least two of her ancestors fought in the Revolutionary War, several in the Civil War, and many in WWII. She lived to be 90 years old remaining true to her convictions. You know, the gallon of blackberry brandy was only consumed during flu season and the only time she called the milkman a “jackass” is when he overcharged her.

On the other side of my diverse family spectrum, we had Italian immigrants, who came here in 1918. From my Italian grandmother, I learned about the negative effects of discrimination, overcoming language barriers, and again moderation. You know, if you watched too many episodes of Combat and called the German bread man a “Kraut” once too often, he’d forget where you live and you could starve; a way never to pronounce “baloney;” and learning that sneaking too much Chianti will make you sick .

As a woman, some of those lessons about discrimination, I also learned first-hand on my job, which adds to my sensitivity on the subject.

Did the Buddhists Bomb Pearl Harbor?

I have to tell you that when O’Reilly said “The Muslims attacked us on 911” on The View, several people in my age-group with similar backgrounds, were about ready to travel to Canada and ask the Dalai Lama first-hand, if Pearl Harbor was a Buddhist conspiracy or if the Japanese government acted alone on December 7, 1941. It was a ridiculous comment by O’Reilly, which he later apologized for and clarified by saying “Not enough Muslim moderates voice their opinions against the jihadists.”

Freedom of Speech in America

Then, we have Vivian Schiller, CEO of NPR going to the opposite extreme by actually firing Juan Williams for making a mild personal remark, on The Factor, about being uncomfortable when Muslims in religious attire board his flight. I say mild, because if you have ever heard Beck and O’Reilly go off ranting about Muslims on their respective shows, Juan’s comment, although bigoted, is mild by comparison. However, he said it on Fox, not NPR. The ideology of hate thrives on Fox. I’ve heard more hate speeches on that network than anywhere else and both Beck and O’Reilly still have jobs. Why? Because in America we have freedom of speech, but you should only abuse that freedom moderately.

I did some research and found out that Vivian Schiller did not study American Civil Liberties in college. Instead, she majored in Russian Studies earning a Bachelor’s degree at Cornell and a Master’s Degree in Russian at Middlebury. Beck will be calling her a communist very soon.

I couldn’t feel too sorry for Juan either. He got a $2 million contract from Fox and filled in for O’Reilly on The Factor Friday night. He also managed to eviscerate NPR and Schiller quite nicely. The polls said that over 4.3 million people were watching. By the time those who were watching CSI, The Mentalist, The Big Bang Theory, Sh*t My Dad Says, and Grey’s Anatomy, tuned in at 11:00 pm, The Factor probably ended up with over 5 million viewers.

How to Spot Moderate Muslim Women

I did still more research, and found out what moderate Muslim women do in Saudi Arabia. They take bi-monthly shopping trips to Cairo, Egypt. They board the plane in Burkas and get off the plane in Cairo wearing designer outfits and jewelry, full makeup, manicure, and heels. Evidently, Juan’s Muslims were not moderates. Trust me Juan, it’s like recess in a Catholic school; they can’t unload the burkas fast enough.

The solution to all of this is like my grandmother said, moderation. We need to hear more moderate rhetoric on FoxNews and less ranting and labeling. There are more moderate viewers out there than they think. They also need to watch this video on profiling:

Don't Drink the Kool-Aid

Current events have been both interesting and enlightening. Last week, someone posted a note on Facebook stating that the automobile manufacturers are now using female dummies, as well as male, to test crash vehicles. They are considering installing cams in the steering column, so that if you hit something at 25 mph, you will engage the air bag and get a nanosecond mammogram when your boobs smash up against the wheel.

The Cadillac Escalade made headlines again. I think I might buy one. Not only can it withstand a swedish beating with a five iron and a fire hydrant, without seriously injuring the driver; but it can also safely go over a cliff. While most of us would be dead if we drove our SUV off a cliff, former NFL linebacker, Junior Seau, who drives an Escalade, is now writing a new psychological thriller called "Oops I Crapped My Pants."

Within the last few days, a British judge refused to dismiss a plagiarism lawsuit against best-selling author J.K. Rowling. Supporters say her accusers speak in Parseltongue and are part of an ongoing smear campaign by Nearly Headless Nick (suffering from an identity crisis), who swore under oath that he used to be The Canterville Ghost.

A few days before that, foreman, Luis Urzua, rose to the surface to the cheers of "Chi! Chi! Chi! Le! Le! Le!" It was a long, drawn-out rescue. They could have thrown a rope down there and let the Chilean miners out right away; but, they took a few weeks to build a 924-pound, red, white and blue rescue capsule; line the drill hole with sheet metal; and conduct preliminary dry-runs. It reminded me of a Miracle Max quote "You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles."

Psycho, Mel Gibson, will be making a cameo appearance in the new movie sequel, "The Hangover 2." They wouldn’t give him a mic for any length of time to run his mouth, so they cast him as a tattoo artist.

On the political front, FoxNews is still scaring the crap out of everyone; but in these hard economic times, you have to sign up for Bill O’Reilly’s “Premier Service” or Glenn Beck’s “INSIDER Extreme” to find out all the gory details. The way they tell it, Michael Myers is alive and well on Capitol Hill being sustained by Barney Frank’s boyfriend.

Oh, yes, just in case Glenn Beck was out in the mid-west looking for acreage to establish a commune, remember - don't drink the Kool-Aid!

Baltimore East County Times Newest Column – Wojo’s World

The Baltimore East County Times has a new humor column, Wojo’s World, written by popular humorist and comedienne, Michele “Wojo” Wojciechowski. You will love her humorous look at life.

Read Wojo’s World

This week, in her column “Parallel Universe,” Wojo addresses the age-old problem of parallel parking.

You’ve been there, right?

The way I look at it, in order to master the art of parallel parking, you must be proficient at the games of pool and shuffleboard. Anyone who can master the "cliff hanger" and put the right English on a cue ball, can usually parallel park a car without difficulty. Then, there's parking by ear... and Wojo's World.

Watch how this guy did it in a rush:

Getting Naked in Illinios

If you have spent a lot of time convincing people to get out and vote during major elections, you will love this!

The State of Illinois has changed its voting law, You can now vote at home and mail in your ballot. There are drawbacks, of course. This holds true for both voters and tabulators. I would not want to be a tabulator, unless I was also writing an essay on weird submissions and political gifts.

It’s not easy qualifying as a candidate in Illinois either. The number of signatures required to get placed on the ballot is discriminatory. Republican, Democrat, and Green Party candidates require fewer signatures than those running as Independent or New Party.

Independents running for Supreme and Appelate Court or Circuit Court Judge need signatures from practically all of Michael “Big Mike” Sarno’s fan club to qualify.

Then there is the problem of getting voters. Remember dangling Chads?

Whaddayagonnado, right?

In an ingenious strategy maneuver, the State Board of Elections, with the assistance of MPAC Chairman and business model, Ron Jeremy, has released this new video to encourage people to vote:

Humor Book - ‘Sitting on Cold Porcelain’

My book has four great reviews at Amazon and is in the top 100 in the "Entertainment>Humor>Essays"  category at the Kindle Store. Thank you all!

A new way to describe Murphy's Law, political scandals, our screwed up economy, and life in general - Sitting on Cold Porcelain.

Read my recent interview with humorist Wanda Argersinger at Associated Content.



To quote Erma Bombeck “If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.”

Political unrest… government scandal… corruption... extortion! What do all these things have in common? They are perfect fodder for satire! In Sitting on Cold Porcelain, you will find an amusing, perceptive, and laugh-out-loud take on the state of our country and our world, on celebrities and politicians, and all the events that make us all roll our eyes and groan.

Some of the satirical essays within the pages of Sitting on Cold Porcelain include "Giuliani's Gaffe Could Qualify for Political Darwin Award," "Rush Limbaugh: The Don Rickles of Radio," "State of The Union 2010: Bitch-Slapping Congress," “Islamic Cleric Declares Jihad on Mickey Mouse,” “Little Egypt to Run Against Sarah Palin,” and ”Who Moved My Mascarpone?”

I included a few family-oriented holiday fiascos as well. They are always fun and dysfunctional, right?

You will also find my hysterical consultations with Annette Giordano, a South Philadelphia Malocchio (evil eye) doctor. Annette hates one-way communication, she likes to interact. She often bloviates in Italian and is the Italian equivalent to the ‘Numa Numa Guy’ in front of the TV when she watches The O’Reilly Factor.

I’m currently putting her on to Twitter, so she can send her pithy Italian comments to the media and the White House whenever she pleases, its less frustrating.

You can read an excerpt here: Take a peek
Click here to access my Author Page, and here to Order the Book.

You can order the book from Xlibris.com, and at Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble online, and the Amazon Kindle Store.

I know you will enjoy reading the book and I am gathering more laughs for another.

Thank you for reading Rosie’s Renegade Humor Blog. Thanks to you, we are in the No. 2 spot in the “Top 50 Networked Blogs” in Philadelphia on Facebook.

You people rock!

Book Signing in Philadelphia Sunday October 3rd

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

New Humor Book -“Sitting on Cold Porcelain”
Book Signing Sunday, October 3rd, at 3:00 pm
Moonstone Arts Center, 110A South 13th Street, Philadelphia, PA

A Humorous Look at Politics, Life, and Current Events

Valenta entertains with witty, honest, and unapologetic insights in engaging new book

Philadelphia, PA – (Release Date September 21, 2010) – Humor columnist Rose A. Valenta and popular comedian Chip Chantry will be kicking off a book signing event at the Moonstone Arts Center, 110A South 13th Street, Philadelphia, PA, on Sunday, October 3rd at 3:00 pm. Valenta brings humor to every bookshelf as she releases Sitting on Cold Porcelain. Published by Xlibris, this book is a collection of the author’s insights that paint a satirical picture of the world today.

Sitting on Cold Porcelain provides delightful entertainment with an amusing, perceptive, and laugh-out-loud take on the state of the country and the world, on celebrities and politicians, and all the news events that make people roll their eyes and groan. Its satirical essays include "Giuliani's Gaffe Could Qualify for Political Darwin Award," "Rush Limbaugh: The Don Rickles of Radio," “Menopausal Seagull Interrupts News Broadcast,” “Trick or Treat – Smell My Feet,” and "The Mona Lisa Had High Cholesterol?"

Witty and honest, Sitting on Cold Porcelain is an unapologetic yet unmistakably intellectual read that is seamlessly woven to challenge ideas and stir beliefs.

Sitting on Cold Porcelain * by Rose A. Valenta
Trade Paperback; $19.99; 163 pages; 978-1-4500-4419-6
Trade Hardback; $29.99; 163 pages; 978-1-4500-4420-2
eBook; $9.99; 978-1-4500-4421-9

You can purchase the book at Amazon.com, Barnes and Nobles, or the order desk of your local book store.


About the Author
Rose A. Valenta is a nationally syndicated humor columnist. Her irreverent columns have been published in Associated Content, Courier Post Online, NPR, Newsday, USA TODAY, the WSJ Online, and many other local news and radio websites. She also authors Rosie’s Renegade Humor Blog - http://rosevalenta.com.

Valenta regularly attends the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop at the University of Dayton, is a member of the Robert Benchley Society and the National Society of Newspaper Columnists.

About Chip Chantry
Chip Chantry is a handsome young comedian from the suburbs of Philadelphia, PA. His first performances were opening for his brother's band at Fergie's Pub in Philly and since then Chip has become a regular in comedy clubs across the country. Besides comedy, Chip enjoys music, people who get eaten by alligators, and writing about himself in third person.

To Schedule an interview,
Contact: Marti Lawrence
(816) 678-7476
martilawrence@gmail.com

Will Lazlo Get the Aircraft Carrier?

© The JFK CV-67 Memorial Foundation, Inc., Roland Camilleri

The U.S. Navy wants to donate an aircraft carrier and my second cousin Lazlo is looking to get married as soon as he can afford a new home. So, he decided to write a letter to the Secretary of the Navy:

Read news article

Ray Mabus
United States Secretary of the Navy
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington, DC 20500
September 19, 2010

Dear Ray,

I wasn’t sure if I should write to you at your home in Mississippi or catch you actually in the office at work.

I understand that you are giving away the aircraft carrier USS John F. Kennedy. You know, the one that Caroline christened in 1967?

She is 1,000 feet long and just the right size for Ella and I to live on and start a family.

Ella and I are having our commitment ceremony on October 12. Uncle Mario will be in attendance with his .300 Winchester Magnum, as he already caught us celebrating early in the barn.

Since me and Ella will be having a large family and I have been out of work since June, 2003; I figured that we could throw the anchor over three miles off the coast of Savannah, GA, and use Uncle Sal’s old dinghy to travel back and forth for food, lamp oil, and bait.

I will send you all the catfish you can eat, in exchange for your generosity, and provide transportation to Glenn Beck and Father Guido Sarducci for their “Restoring America” road trips to earn money for gas.

Very Truly Yours,
Lazlo

NFL to Regulate Testosterone

You know how it can get in a major league locker room when a young attractive woman with a boob job in tight jeans walks in to interview a player, right?

Why do sports media make women do these things?

Last Saturday, Ines Sainz, a Mexican network TV sports reporter was on assignment to interview a Jets player. When she walked in to conduct the interview, all eyes were not on the camera. There were cat calls, whistles, and two naked men going ballistic. Hand towels were frantically being draped over the naked towel racks. One player passed out from holding his breath and two were caught salivating inside a locker.

In the background, you could hear the Beastie Boys "This is Just a Test" on the radio.

Read news article

Coach Woody (no pun intended) Johnson was no exception, but he was hiding behind a shower curtain, trying to act like Obama.

After all the excitement was over, Woody issued a public apology to Ms. Sainz.

A memo went out from the NFL to all 32 teams, warning them to tone down the testosterone when female reporters visit their turf.

There is no easy solution to this problem. They way I look at it, Ms. Sainz has every right to dress in tight jeans and expose her $25,000 boob job. However, when it comes to actually entering a major league locker room to interview players, she should send an assistant – someone like Ruth Buzzi, for instance. I think you could actually get an intelligent Playboy-type interview then. The Jets would be better equipped to focus on the questions and answers, rather than try to avoid Woody.

Bobcat Goldthwait Hires Phil Davison as Stand-In

Bobcat Goldthwait got such a kick out of Ohio Councilman Phil Davison’s speech in his bid for Canton County Treasurer, that after he lost the nomination, Goldthwait hired him as a stand-in.

Read news article

Harvard put Davison’s speech on its curriculum as “How Not to Deliver a Political Speech.”

I think Goldthwait made a good choice, yes?

Kanye West Grovels

Hip-hop star Kayne West is feeling the heat for interrupting Taylor Swift’s performance last year, and he has been trying to express his remorse on Face book with over 900,000 followers and Twitter. His fans have been showing their disappointment over him grabbing the microphone and stating that her trophy should have gone to Beyoncѐ. He has had to cancel one tour with Lady Gaga, when a group of Taylor’s fans had too much beer to drink and peed on his Ferrari.

Barack Obama, who is known for his eloquent speaking and upscale adjectives, called Kayne a “Jackass.”

Read the News Article

As soon as he heard that his bottom line was going down the tubes he began sending Tweets like "How deep is the scar ... I bled hard ... canceled tour with the number one pop star in the world ... closed the doors of my clothing office."

He tried blaming his mother for his bad behavior on Jay Leno. If that wasn’t enough, he stated that he was on an ego trip and tweeted that he was finally over himself and has written a song for Taylor Swift.

He didn’t give a title. Maybe it is “Yo Mama Please Forgive My Rude I Need Fans.”

Does the Glenn Beck Show Mirror an AA Meeting?

Washington Post columnist, Kathleen Parker thinks that Glenn Beck’s show mimics the principles of an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting.

“Beck's 'Restoring Honor' gathering on the Mall was right out of the Alcoholics Anonymous playbook. It was a 12-step program distilled to a few key words, all lifted from a prayer delivered from the Lincoln Memorial: healing, recovery and restoration.” she said.

Read the news article

Well, I guess Kathleen has a point when you consider that this is what he thinks of the mentality of his viewers, right?



I delved further into his theories and found that Kathleen actually knows her stuff. This is how most people react behind his GUI interface while he is going off the deep end about things like George Washington’s Inaugural Address:



Let’s hope that we all have the “serenity” and “courage” to hit the remote control and the “wisdom” to know when.

August 28, 2010 – Beck Had a Dream

"You're going to see the spirit of God unleashed." ~ Glenn Beck

As the “Rally to Restore Honor” takes place today, you should know that Dr. Alveda King will be on hand to speak, making sure there are no drive-by shootings by the far left in front of the Lincoln Memorial.

A recap of the event will be available at Insider EXTREME, for big bucks. If you are among the poor, unemployed Americans, you are S.O.L. However, you can go to "The Kid From Brooklyn" website and get the inside scoop a little cheaper.

If all else fails in Washington, DC, a FoxNews spokesperson recommends listening to the message of Neil Cavuto:



Louis Farrakhan will speak on Scooby Doo.



Tom Hagen quit his day job as Consigliere to help people find Jesus:



The FDA admitted that if it had to label the far left for the rally, they would be stamped on their foreheads accordingly:

egalitarianist
communist
anarchist
Lenninist
Trotskyist
Luxemburgist
feminist
green anarchist
Maoist
anarcha-feminist
veganarchist
pacifist
Check the label, don't be fooled.

So, I say, when both sides figure out how to survive together without labeling, the world will be a better place and they might get a bigger turnout for celebration.

Paul the Octopus Embassador for 2018 World Cup

© Parry Gripp

Paul the psychic octopus is making headlines again. This time, he has been selected as an ambassador for England's bid to host the 2018 World Cup.

Read news article

Several weeks ago, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad locked tentacles with the popular cephalopod. He unjustly accused Paul of being a spy and spreading Western Propaganda.

Ahmadinejad said that "Paul is a symbol of all that is wrong with the western world.” He probably bet on the losing teams when Paul accurately predicted the winners in all eight World Cup matches.

Read the news article

Someone stood in front of Paul's tank and read the news article to him. Boy was he mad! Bubbles began rapidly rising and bursting at the surface of the tank and he uttered what sounded like "Tozz fiik" in ink. A bystander said that means "screw you" in Mahmoud's native language.

Paul was born in England in 2008 and currently resides in a comfortable tank suite at Sea Life Centre in Oberhausen, Germany. Not only is Paul not a spy, but I doubt that he even knows what propaganda is, let alone distinguish it as either eastern or western.

Paul, nicknamed Zhangyu Di (Emperor Octopus) in China, has also taken that country by storm. Stuffed octopus toys are selling like pooda and a full-featured biography is being filmed.

The leader from Iran, not only believes that Paul is psychic, but that he has some negative impact on society. Mahmoud is responsible for his country's economic lapses and total disregard for human rights; but, is he thought infallible on matters of psychic octopodes?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ya Homaar should call 1-800-GAMBLER.

© 2010, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Do We Really Need More Sex?

Sexologist and sexuality educator, Logan Levkoff, Ph.D., has been getting inquiries from guys asking how they can get more sex with their wives. I didn’t think they needed more than one shot and you’re good for the whole day, but what do I know?

Read 5 WAYS TO GET YOUR WIFE TO HAVE MORE SEX WITH YOU

I was intrigued by this perceived notion that they needed more, so I invited a few friends over for girl talk. Only two could spare the time to come over, Eileen and Helen. So, I made coffee, took a cake out of the freezer, printed out three copies of the article and set them on the table.

My friend Helen is married to an anal retentive housekeeper. Since he retired, he has taken charge. It’s a complete role reversal. She commands the lounge chair and the remote control and says things like “Hon, can you get me a beer?”

Eileen is in a second marriage with a guy, who is still paying alimony and child support for five kids. She has to work, but is off today. Rather than stay home and have sex, she decided to come over to see what all the fuss was about.

“Yo!” Helen said, while reading the article,“Take away the Ph.D and she is a dominatrix.”

“I’d let him grope, but I can’t afford it.” Eileen responded.

“Right!” I said, “Just what I thought. Most of these experts lead sheltered lives.”

I took a poll and also found out that none of us watch “Desperate Housewives” either, except for Helen’s husband Ralph. He even has the CD collection and often fantasizes while doing laundry.”

Just then the phone rang, it was Ralph looking for his wife. I could only hear half the conversation.

“What do you want?” Helen asked.

“So, toss some baking soda on it and put a lid on.”

“The fire extinguisher is in the hall closet.”

“Don’t cry, we can eat out, it’s OK”

“Yes you can use it on the cat’s tail. The snippers are in the top drawer.”

“I’ll be home in an hour. I want to ask you something.”

“Do you feel you are getting enough sex?”

“Never mind who’s listening.”

“No, you don’t have to strip and put on the tool belt.”

“I love YOU more.”

“No, I love YOU more.”

“Later.”

She hung up the phone and said “So what’s the big deal? He can get laid anytime he wants.”

“I’m waiting for 2012,” Eileen interjected.

Smokey and the Buckfast Honey Bees

"I saw that, you sombitch! You did that on purpose! You're going away till you're gray! I got the evidence!" ~ Buford T. Justice

It was a real life scene from “Smokey and the Bandit” in Wake County, North Carolina, yesterday. Sheriff’s Deputy Brandon Jenkins was trapped for over three hours inside his patrol car, which was swarmed by 50,000 Buckfast honey bees.

Read news article

The truck driver, who was transporting the bees, was trying to take a nap on the side of the highway, but the bees were getting a bit testy and kept him awake. So, he figured that he would let them out for some exercise. The hive was still in the truck, so the bees hung around outside.

Along came Deputy Jenkins in his marked Dodge Charger with a spotlight checking the truck’s stickers. The bees didn’t like it and became hot and bothered.

One-by-one they landed on Jenkins’ windows blocking his view.

Jenkins became suspicious and thought that the driver was wanted in another State and had trained the bees as scouts and lookouts. So, he got the radio dispatcher to run the license plate of the truck.

“I got the first three numbers, and then a swarm of bees lit on my windshield,” he told the dispatcher.

“No, I haven’t been drinking Jethro’s moonshine. I need a backup and a beekeeper!”

“Did you hear me, boy?”

“Stop laughing and call the Sheriff. I’m going to die out here.”

“I tried blowing them off.”

“Yes, I used the damn gas pedal.”

“Don’t you get it? They are stuck on here!”

“I can’t go faster, I can’t see, you idiot!”

“A grip? I’m going to kill you, boy!

Green Pigs and the Mosque

Excitement is heating up over the proposed site of the new mosque near Ground Zero. Critics are up in arms saying it is an insult to America, while Obama is approving its construction in Manhattan on the site of the 152-year-old Burlington Coat Factory only two blocks away.

Of course, I had to investigate the whole fiasco. So, I went online and looked up old maps of Manhattan Island. I found that in 1644, Dutch Colonists owned the site and it was used primarily to grow tobacco and raise pigs. There are copies of the old maps on the Internet if you care to find them. Just Google “Manhattan Early Maps.”





When I zoomed in on one of those maps, I found a scattering of green spots. It piqued my interest, so I started looking up green pigs and leprechauns.

Wow! A solution! The only pig-free area back then was in an area now known as the Corporate Limits of Hoboken, NJ.

I also discovered that pig feces is not biodegradable, but stays in the soil for thousands of years. It is a source of many microbes and bacteria. Radon gas is a close comparison to what happens to pig feces when it is absorbed into the soil. I guess I should e-mail Governor Paterson.

While researching, I also found the history of green eco-pigs on YouTube. The breed still exists. I hope you like it. It shows how the area of NYC, just off the Holland Tunnel, must have looked in 1644, only they dressed differently and didn't cage the little rascals:

Interviewing a Fed-Up

In the old days, ordinary citizens were called the silent majority; today, we are known as Fed-Ups and Tea Partiers. I guess some of us joined a tea party because the political BS arena was getting a bit too convoluted and over-brewed. We need to make a difference. The Fed-Ups, on the other hand, are just saying “meh!” until the next election.

This morning I found only one interview that echoed my own sentiments about politics and the national economy.

We are faced with Wall Street slumps, a Ground Zero mosque, a flight attendant singing Johnny Paycheck’s “Take This Job and Shove it,” a landslide in China that killed 1,100 of our creditors, Tiger hitting bottom, the rise of the stay-at-home husband, and gluten-free food that you don’t want to eat.

Here are my sentiments:

‘The Plan’ According to Uncle Harry

This morning, I was craving apple fritters with cinnamon. I made extra because I knew the aroma was going to travel across the back yard into Uncle Harry’s window. His apartment is way too close to my kitchen and he can’t resist the smell of apple fritters. He knocked first, and brought his own brown sugar.

He had a copy of The Times and was chuckling about an article regarding Glenn Beck and “The Plan.”

Apparently, the source of his amusement was the fact that Beck has been telling people that God has given him some inside scoop on a master plan.

Read news article

“In my generation, at his age, we didn’t question any plan,” he said. “You woke up in the morning, ate breakfast, took out the garbage, and went to work. Recyclables were invented later, by man.”

“Yeah, well the media has to sell corn flakes,” I responded. “If they didn’t question a plan or something political, they’d be off-the-air.”

“Every Christian I know, understands that we have all been saved already. Two thousand years later and they think it didn’t take the first time?” He asked. “Beck should just chill about God and stick to politics.”

“If he did that,” I said, “We’d have Obama getting impeached for being a communist because he read Woodrow Wilson’s book ‘On Being Human.”

“I think God would have to direct him to the 11th Commandment, you know, the text that didn’t wrap on Moses’ stone ‘Mind Thy Own Business.’ It’s His plan, who’s Beck? There are only two things I know of that can make you go blind - locking yourself in the bathroom ...”

“OK, don’t get nasty.” I said.

“Well, honey, I don’t need the news media trying to instruct me about God any more than I’d listen to a Putin interpretation of my civil liberties. They all have some insidious motive.”

“OK, so don’t listen,” I said. “Eat your fritters.”

Harry smiled and ate some fritters, while still reading the article shaking his head.

A few minutes later, he asked “How long do you think before he begins telling people he is the incarnation of Edgar Cayce and starts his own research and enlightenment association?”

“I’m going to burn the next batch, if you don’t start reading something else,” I said. “He thinks he’s doing us a favor. You know we’re not supposed to think for ourselves. For that, we need marketers, high technology, and FoxNews.”

Billionaires Do Something Useful

I’m not quite sure if they can save Social Security or will even try, but I had to do a double-take when I saw that Warren Buffett and Bill Gates, two card sharks from cyberspace, actually convinced over 40 billionaire friends to donate half their fortunes to charity.

Read news article

You remember Buffett from Omaha. He’s the guy who asked people to invest $10,000 with his company back in the late 50s/early 60s, and not ask for any of it back until December 31st each year. You had a one-day window of opportunity to sell your shares. That's when Berkshire Hathaway was selling for about $14 a share on Wall Street, mortgages were averaging $10,000.00, and you could buy a new car for less than $2,000.

Couldn’t you kick yourself? Warren still eats hamburgers and “A” shares of Berkshire are now selling for $120,000 each. I was too young to invest at the time, and my allowance wouldn’t cover it; but I often thought about writing a book about time travel where the protagonist meets up with Christopher Lloyd, travels back to 1960, moves to Omaha, and gets rich.

Bill Gates used to be on my “S*it” list. I’ve cussed out Windows so many times that I’m surprised that it doesn’t give me more error messages at startup. It all began back in the 1980s when I just loved the control of using Norton Commander on my 70% IBM-compatible PC. I had everything down to a science using function keys. Then, Windows came along and screwed up everything. My PC became the Twilight Zone. If you are a techie, you know what I’m talking about. Everything has to be developed their way. Software is the only product in America that has quality control guidelines allowing it to be released with bugs. If Toyota tries it, it’s a major recall.

So now these two guys have started a charitable organization called The Giving Pledge. Of the 400 billionaires in America, they have convinced 40 of them, so far, to join and donate half their fortunes to charity. I was always told that charity begins at home, so I will send them my address upon request. Poor writers have good use for petty cash. My writer friend, Sherry, is having her 10th baby in January. We can do something about the floccinaucinihilipilification of our respective budgets.

The $3 Million Wedding

Service, tents, food, booze, location, hired help - $2 million dollars
Porta potties with porcelain seats - $1 million dollars
Human bidets - priceless!

In the old days when weddings were planned, we rented the pool table space at Dad’s VFW Post or American Legion hall. Then, everybody brought a side dish and Grandma baked a five-layer Duncan Hines with whipped cream icing. Mom and the maid of honor shopped at Kresge’s Five-and-Dime for centerpieces and a small bride and groom statue for the cake. Party poppers were used in lieu of champagne. The total cost was under $1,000. That included the dress, which was a bleached composite worn by many dead ancestors.

In the old days when you sent out the wedding invitations, everyone knew where to show up, the time of the ceremony, and where they were going to spend the night. You never had to send bloodhounds (in this case the family mastiff) out on a reconnaissance mission to round up your guests.

Of course the newspaper reporters were not reverting back to swinging from trees either. The bride and groom were all too happy to pose in front of the half-moon outhouse door for pictures, as it was now elaborately covered in black-eyed Susans (hopefully not a bad omen of The Best is Yet to Come by Rocky Balboa).

The divorce rate was lower back then too; plus, assets and prenuptial agreements were non-existent.

The band usually began with a Newfoundland ugly stick and ended with "Chelsea Morning."

How in the hell can you spend $3 million on a wedding? I asked myself. Does it cost that much to ensure that none of the bidets are illegals?

If Chelsea writes a “How To Spend $3 Million Because You Can” book before my last daughter gets married, I’m going to hide every copy and bribe my kid to elope.

"Don't worry about it, Mom," my daughter said. "Rumors have been circulating that The Onion has offered well over $1 million for an advance copy of the vows, just to see if they have really been patterned after the bride and groom's favorite Dr. Seuss story. Other tabloids have made similar offers for photos. The $3 million is covered."

I’m told that honeymoon suite entertainment, in this case, was not a lavish choice. While all the other details are confidential, the wedding planner offered this video as proof:

© 2010, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

E. B. Heron in Boston

E.B. wearing his Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay T-shirt on I-90, Boston

Rose A. Valenta, E.B. Heron, Mary DiZazzo Trumbull, Eileen and Jimmy Keck - Robert Benchley Society gathering,
July 17, 2010, Boston.

Last weekend was amazing. I took E. B. Heron, the official mascot of the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop to Boston. There, he met up the folks at the Robert Benchley Society. As you know, E.B. was actually named after E. B. White, who wrote for The New Yorker Magazine and occasionally hung out with Robert Benchley and Dorothy Parker at the Algonquin Hotel in New York.

E. B. Heron thoroughly enjoyed himself; first, donning his Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay T-shirt enroute to Boston, and then wearing a nice tux for a black tie dinner aboard the yacht, “Secret Love” (I will post more about dinner with photos later).

E.B. now has his own fan club on Facebook called The Letters and Travels of E. B. Heron. You can look him up and follow him as he travels around the country. You might also want to send a friend request to Elwyn B. Heron to delve deeper into his private life and photo albums.

He doesn’t drive, so he relies on trusted Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop members , a.k.a. “Ermies,” to take him on special road trips and visits.

He is a bit if a pain in the car, yelling things like “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” or “Open a window, I gotta go!” So, not all of the Ermies volunteer to take him on interesting excursions. Plus, you must never call him names like "Flat Stanley" or he will not get into the car.

So far, he has traveled with humorist, Wanda Argersinger, author of Life in the Land of Confusion - http://www.wandaargersinger.com/blog; Jody Worsham, author of The Medicare Mom http://themedicaremom.blogspot.com; and me.

I can usually pacify him with goldfish crackers, but he is one tough cookie.

This year, I called Enterprise Rent-a-Car and leased a Chevrolet HHR to drive from Philadelphia to Boston. The car was roomy enough to give E.B. his own suite by the back hatch. The Goldfish crackers kept him quiet until we reached a rest stop on I-90, then he beat my ear all the way to Beacon St. I made a wrong turn and had to backtrack out on the expressway. I was ready to toss him out of the car, but he was reprieved by a sign on the highway that read “U-Turn to Boston.” Apparently, a lot of other people transport herons to Boston too.

On Friday, I took him to David and Mary Trumbull’s cabana at the Clubs on Charles St. where he behaved himself near the shrimp. Then, we went to dinner at Scollay’s Square, where he met Ed Tasca, winner of the 2010 Robert Benchley Award for Humor and author of the new humor novel, Lub Dub.



E.B. Heron and Ed Tasca at Scollay’s Square, Boston

I had to sneak him past the registration desk at the Omni Parker House Hotel, but managed to get him into the elevator before anyone noticed that he was inebriated.

Saturday night was the main event, the humor awards dinner. E. B. wore a hand-made designer tuxedo from the House of Argersinger in Pensacola, aboard the private yacht Secret Love.

I will post more fiascos later in the week.

Off the Beaten Path - Boston’s Touch of Class: Poet Mary Millis

Mary Millis autographs her books at Emmet’s

“Such feasts! The laughs of many a jocund hour
That shook the mortar from King George’s tower;
Such guests! What famous names its record boasts.
Whose owners wander in the mob of ghosts”
~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., about the Omni Parker House Hotel in Boston.


While I’m waiting to gather some really good photographs to post about my weekend trip to Boston for the 2010 Robert Benchley Society gathering, I thought you might like a glimpse of a wonderful poet, who lives near the Omni Parker House Hotel. Her name is Mary Millis. She is not yet famous, but I know that she will be and Mary adds a delightful touch of class to the area.

I ran into Mary accidently at the Church on the Hill. While the others in my group went on a walking tour, Mary and I decided it was too hot to walk and snuck off to Emmet’s Pub at 6 Beacon St, for a light lunch. We already had bagels with butter, jam, and cream cheese, cake, donuts, coffee, and juice at the church; but just entertaining the thoughts of possibly walking two miles made us hungry and our feet decided on their own to quit for the day.

I was staying at the Omni Parker House at 60 School St., which used to be the hang out for famous writers such as Hawthorne, Longfellow, and Thoreau. Little did I know that the real inspiration was only a half-block away.

The Hotel was lovely; the service was excellent, as was its overall ambiance. I won’t rate the room, as my mother always said “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything.” All I can say is that Superman changed outfits in bigger five-star phone booths. So, we sought some solitude at Emmet’s. To me, it was such a pleasant coincidence to meet up and have lunch with a local Boston poet. BTW, the clam chowder at Emmet’s is the best.

Mary loves to inspire people. Unlike most poets, she is very outgoing and in tune with people. We shared family stories, fiascos, and laughs over coffee. We both have grown children and grandchildren, who make our lives enjoyable and interesting - most of the time.

We exchanged books. She was gracious enough to autograph her books for me at the pub, as I read some of her poetry. She is a great photographer and uses her pictures as illustrations. Mary is just beginning to research and learn how to use social networking, so she does not have a blog, or a Facebook/Twitter account. I will let you know when she does.

In the meantime, I will share just one of her many poems from “On Wings of Wind:”

Friendship is a Tree

A friendship is itself sincere
And rooted as a tree.
It probes the heart in search of truth,
It seeks integrity.

Its fertile seeds draw nourishment
Where God has placed His hands.
The changing seasons, full of life
Give strength where friendship stands.

The tree grows stately and serene
Its budding leaves increase.
The fruits of friendship blossom forth,
To bring us joy and peace.

And just as in a time before
New seeds will fall and drift
To settle in another heart
And share their precious gift.


So far, Mary has authored “On Wings of Wind, “In Harmony With Heaven,” and “A Matter of Significance.”

I made a new friend! Mary is going to look me up on Twitter (@rosevalenta) and Facebook when she joins. Its great going off the beaten path sometimes, isn’t it? It makes life so much more interesting and inspiring.

If you would like to buy copies of Mary Millis’ books before she goes online, just send me an e-mail egret100@comcast.net and I will put you in touch; or you can write to her via snail mail at 130 Bowdoin St., Suite 1805, Boston, MA 02108.

If you would like to purchase an autographed copy of my book "Sitting on Cold Porcelain" just click on the "Add to Cart" button on the left panel.

Book Signing - July 17th in Boston

If you are in the Boston area this weekend, you will be pleased to know that the Robert Benchley Society (RBS) is holding its seventh annual gathering, July 16-18, to honor the beloved American humorist, Robert Benchley.

A free book talk and reading event is scheduled at the Boston Society of the New Jerusalem, the Church on the Hill, 140 Bowdoin Street (churchonthehillboston.org) at 11:00 am Saturday, July 17th. It is open to the public and several authors will be signing books, including me!

The winner of the 2009 Robert Benchley Award for Humor, Ed Tasca, will be present to sign his latest humorous tales of adventure with his new comic novel, Lub Dub, published by Rose Heart Books. Tasca is a native Philadelphian. His work has appeared in many humor publications throughout the U.S., Canada, and Mexico.

Several authors will be available to sign copies of their books following the book talk and reading. It is entirely sponsored by the RBS. If you plan to be there, please stop by and say “hello,” I love meeting my readers and I know you have many interesting things to tell me.

About the RBS: The Robert Benchley Society is a forum for appreciation and discussion of the work and life of twentieth-century American humorist Robert Benchley. The Society formed in the spring of 2003 in Boston, Massachusetts. Our membership is international and includes persons with scholarly interests in Robert Benchley as well as persons who just like to get together over drinks for the mutual enjoyment of Robert Benchley writings and motion pictures. If you would like to join contact:

David Trumbull
130 Bowdoin St., Apt. 1110
Boston, Mass. 02108 USA
or by e-mailing david@robertbenchley.org

10 Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

There's a man who leads a life of danger
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger
With every move he makes another chance he takes
Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow

Secret agent man, secret agent man
They've given you a number and taken away your name.

~ P.F. Sloan and S. Barri

A spy swap took place in NYC yesterday; it was the biggest bust since Peter Sellers' escapades in “The Mouse That Roared.”

On Monday, 10 Russian spies were brought into night court in Miami, FL. One-by-one, they caved and confessed. A defense attorney couldn’t figure out why they gave each other up so easily. Then, he peeked under the defense table and saw The Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay with a Black and Decker ball buster enjoying himself.

Judge Ito questioned each of the U.S. Defendents, who were hiding here under assumed names working odd jobs, and blending in with American society. One gentleman blended in so well that he kept forgetting to call his Russian contact, but kept sitting in Dairy Queen every day enjoying the blizzards. He also forgot exactly what he was supposed to be reporting to his contact.

The 10 U.S. defendants were captured sometime during the July 4th holiday and were found to have false passports, secret code words, fake names, invisible ink, and Little Orphan Annie decoder rings.

White House chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, told reporters that the 10 were being deported in exchange for a few Americans that were arrested for spying in Moscow.

In Russia, the Kremlin said that President Dmitry Medvedev sent a YouTube video to the White House showing an American spy downing shots and spilling his guts on Russian TV. He had also been caught painting "Kilroy Was Here" signs in the St. Petersburg subway.

The U.S. Department of Justice had enough when two of the Russian spies became famous on Facebook: Anna Chapman for indecent exposure, and Igor Sutyagin for selling Fabergé egg knock-offs. They sent the Kremlin a YouTube video of their spies demonstrating gross stupidity.

Upon being deported in night court, the spies were flown to NYC where the exchange took place. The Russians were last seen stumbling off a plane in Vienna on Thursday. The stewardess had served each of them about twenty shots of Double Cross Vodka.

Postal Rate Increases: Stop With the JibJab Stamps

Photo Courtesy of Danny Gallagher - http://www.dannygallagher.net

The Post Office is raising our rates again to 46 cents for First Class mail in January. They wouldn’t have to keep raising the rates if the boys in the executive suite would only quit playing craft games and JibJab with our money.

It costs extra to print stamps with pictures and drawings of Oscar Micheaux, Kate Smith, Katherine Hepburn, Cowboys of the Silver Screen, Pansies in a Basket, Bill Mauldin, Gary Cooper and Bob Hope. They should economize and keep it simple like just the American Flag and Liberty Bell.

If I want stickers, I can buy them separately.

When I send Uncle Harry a birthday card, I like to put stickers all over the back. He is partial to the Marx Brothers and the Post Office hasn’t figured out how to JibJab Harpo, so I shop at Michael's or A. C. Moore. It keeps my creative juices flowing.

I hate to spoil their fun, but we need to cut costs. I don’t need a choice between the Liberty Bell Stamp with or without the butt crack, you know?

They could sell us a bunch of blanks that are compatible with LaserJet printers and let us do our own thing. We can customize our own stamps and keep it at 44 cents.

I like the Danny Gallagher Stamp (pictured above). He is the famous author of “Movies That Suck” and an all around nice guy. I’d like to use his stamp whenever I write to Congress about government spending.

It would also keep Postal employees postal.

Rebecca Petner Campaign: One Day Left to Vote

Philadelphia native, Rebecca Petner, is campaigning big time for a shot at her own talk show on the Oprah Network. She already has an impressive 180,000 votes, but needs more!

Celebrate the start of Independence Day weekend by helping her realize an American dream.

Rebecca is a La Salle graduate and also attended the Philadelphia Improv Theatre (PHIT). She is a very talented lady.

Please vote for her here: Vote for Rebecca

Mark Souder: The Benny Hill of Indiana

In the wake of yet another scandal in American politics, Rep. Mark Souder of Indiana has admitted to an illicit affair and announced his resignation. Apparently, Souder, who is married with three grown children, allegedly found the girl of his dreams among his staffers and faced following in the footsteps Eric Massa, who’s case is now before the House Ethics Committee, unless he fessed up.

Previously, when the subject of his infidelity surfaced, Souder told everyone that the rumors were unfounded and blamed the vicious lies on “revenge politics.”

After getting caught, however, 60-year-old Souder made a statement to the press about his liaison with the loose woman in question. He said that he "sinned against God, my wife and my family by having a mutual relationship with a part-time member of my staff. I wish I could have been a better example. In this poisonous environment of Washington, D.C., any personal failing is seized upon, often twisted, for political gain. I am resigning rather than to put my family through that painful, drawn-out process.. We are a committed family but the error is mine and I should bear the responsibility. Not only am I thankful for a loving family but for a loving God."

Souder served eight terms in Indiana. He allegedly took up with the loose woman in 2004 and has suffered from Emerald Forest Syndrome ever since. His last day on the taxpayer’s money is Friday, May 21st. Insiders said that his part-timer asked him for a raise a few times, but he abstained. She is making less than minimum wage.

When Souder contacted senior House leaders to discuss his exit over the coming weekend, he was told to keep his shorts on.

Investigators, looking for incriminating evidence, found this video in his study labeled “My Hero:”

In the anals of Indiana history, Souder and Tracy Jackson discuss "abstinence:"

Social Networking: Erma Bombeck and Baltimore Oreoles Earl Weaver

Lately, media sources have been putting the fear of God into viewers by saying that having a Facebook account can be hazardous to your identity. Take precautions, but don't listen to the doomers and gloomers. There is gold in them there hills.

I have a personal philosophy “Everything in moderation.” That includes social networking and sites like Facebook and Twitter.

If you have been hesitant about joining Facebook, I’d like you to see the bright side - it’s a way to keep in touch with friends and relatives that live too far away to punch in the nose, or pop in for good conversation and coffee.

Recently, I met with a group of friends in Dayton, Ohio, at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. Some of them live in California, Florida, Maryland, Massachusetts, Minnesota, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Texas. We communicate on Facebook almost daily. Our mascot and friend, E. B. Heron also has a fan page there as well. Its called the “The Letters and Travels of E. B. Heron.” In fact, several of my friends have published articles and written books. They post links on Facebook and Twitter, so we can all enjoy them. We stay in touch.

Mo Rocca covered the Workshop for Charles Osgood's CBS Sunday Morning. He contacted all of us this morning with a clip of his interview with our friend, Tracy Beckerman, author of "Rebel Without a Minivan."



It made me reflect on how wonderful it could have been, if social networking technology was available in Erma's day.

Then, my Facebook friend from Baltimore, Sister Mary Wojo (see photo), contacted me about baseball season and what it means to her:


Baltimore comedienne, Michele Wojciechowski


Sister writes content for a really cool site called “Welcome to Baltimore, Hon!” her input is all about Baltimore and her nostalgic remembrances of the area. If you live there, you have to bookmark the site.

Once, she elaborated on the Baltimore burial site of poet, Edgar Allen Poe, which had been blessed for many years with roses and tequila on his birthday. This time, however, she told me that she has a special place in her heart for Baltimore Orioles’ Earl Weaver. She prays for him every day.

Sister reminds us all about the trials and tribulations of playing good baseball:



Yes, social networking is a good thing!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Cinco de Mayo (May 5th) is touted as the quintessential celebration of freedom for Mexicans throughout the world, although it is not actually Mexico’s Independence Day.

Cinco de Mayo represents a small victory that occurred in 1862, when a small Mexican army held the French at bay in the town of Puebla, Mexico, during the French invasion. As a result, you will find festivals with piñatas dressed as French soldiers getting the dulces beat out of them in major cities all across the United States. Rumor has it that this year, there is also a piñata likenesses of Rush Limbaugh.

So what is the real authentic cuisine, you ask?

Anybody can make a taco, but the real staple food in Mexico is the mole poblano.

Legend has it that two nuns from Puebla, seeking to compete with the French Cajuns and feed unexpected guests, used a molcajete (mortar and pestle) to throw some spicy left-overs together. It must have been good, as the dish has remained a tradition in Mexico.

If you want to hold an authentic celebration, you need to have guests show up in both French and Mexican costumes, serve mole poblanos with plenty of margaritas and cerveza (beer), and let them duke it out. Pick your favorite piñata – a donkey or chili pepper would be most appropriate this year.

Disfrutar de la celebración!

May the Fourth be With You

As I threw the youngest Duloks into the shower and went about getting them off to school this morning, I noticed that there was only a handful of Cheerios left, the butter was left out all night, and the milk has gone sour. Not only that, but during the night, the Ewok cat had climbed the curtains again and the family goldfish is floating on its back.

“Oatmeal this morning, kids” I yelled from the bottom of the stairs.

“Yuck!” was the unanimous response.

“Hurry up, or you’ll miss the Millennium Falcon Express and you’ll have to walk to school.”

The Force in my house is not only below warp speed in the morning, but if you didn’t know better, you would swear that the carpet is made out of fly paper. The Duloks are in slow motion looking for a toothbrush that was last used to brush Ewok’s tail. They are just standing there, stuck to the floor, swaying from side-to-side. Han Solo is doing his homework on the floor in the hallway and texting someone to start the clone wars. They are conspiring with the Dark Side to copy homework on the bus.

Princess Leia is snapping pictures of her brother on the commode and threatening to transmit them to a droid in waiting, if he doesn’t give her the two dollars that he owes her. For a split-second, he sounded like Darth Vader readying his lightsaber and almost kicked the bathroom door off its hinges, trying to keep it closed.

My Wookiee awoke just in time to save the day, stepped on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and in Shyriiwook yelled something like “I’m gonna kick your ass!”

Immediately, I heard the thunder and lightning of little feet fleeing for their lives. They bounded into the kitchen, took in three tablespoons of fuel, ran out the door, and jumped on the Falcon within nanoseconds of its departure.

This is a typical morning at my house.

May the Fourth be with you.