The $3 Million Wedding

Service, tents, food, booze, location, hired help - $2 million dollars
Porta potties with porcelain seats - $1 million dollars
Human bidets - priceless!

In the old days when weddings were planned, we rented the pool table space at Dad’s VFW Post or American Legion hall. Then, everybody brought a side dish and Grandma baked a five-layer Duncan Hines with whipped cream icing. Mom and the maid of honor shopped at Kresge’s Five-and-Dime for centerpieces and a small bride and groom statue for the cake. Party poppers were used in lieu of champagne. The total cost was under $1,000. That included the dress, which was a bleached composite worn by many dead ancestors.

In the old days when you sent out the wedding invitations, everyone knew where to show up, the time of the ceremony, and where they were going to spend the night. You never had to send bloodhounds (in this case the family mastiff) out on a reconnaissance mission to round up your guests.

Of course the newspaper reporters were not reverting back to swinging from trees either. The bride and groom were all too happy to pose in front of the half-moon outhouse door for pictures, as it was now elaborately covered in black-eyed Susans (hopefully not a bad omen of The Best is Yet to Come by Rocky Balboa).

The divorce rate was lower back then too; plus, assets and prenuptial agreements were non-existent.

The band usually began with a Newfoundland ugly stick and ended with "Chelsea Morning."

How in the hell can you spend $3 million on a wedding? I asked myself. Does it cost that much to ensure that none of the bidets are illegals?

If Chelsea writes a “How To Spend $3 Million Because You Can” book before my last daughter gets married, I’m going to hide every copy and bribe my kid to elope.

"Don't worry about it, Mom," my daughter said. "Rumors have been circulating that The Onion has offered well over $1 million for an advance copy of the vows, just to see if they have really been patterned after the bride and groom's favorite Dr. Seuss story. Other tabloids have made similar offers for photos. The $3 million is covered."

I’m told that honeymoon suite entertainment, in this case, was not a lavish choice. While all the other details are confidential, the wedding planner offered this video as proof:

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