'Pretty Boy' Maynard on South Wales Wanted Poster

Matthew Maynard, a burglar from Swansea, South Wales, was robbing houses for a living, while driving local residents and police nuts trying to apprehend him.

He made his living this way for almost two years, before police got fed up and asked the public for help.

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They also enlisted the assistance of a police sketch artist, who interviewed some of the people Maynard burglarized.

“bald with pointy ears, ey?”

"his head was shaped like a loo?"

“Had a Harry Potter mark on his noggin, did he?”

“What was that? He had a limp, like Boris Karloff, as he made off with your Tiparillos and kept saying 'smoke-gooood,' is that what he said?”



After the sketch artist completed the drawing, it was published in the South Wales Evening Post.

The burglar, who was a bit vane, didn’t like the image of him. So, he sent the newspaper a crisp and clear recent photo of himself standing by a police van.

The South Wales Evening Post was more than happy to publish the photo of Matthew Maynard on its front page.

The police printed a “thank you” message to Maynard, saying: "Everyone in Swansea will know what you look like now."

The New Scotland Yard with a "Most Wanted" album that resembles a yearbook from the University of Saudi Arabia, is investigating whether this form of reverse psychology will work for them, as well. Sketch artists are currently practicing camel art.

Bust of NZ Politician Crafted From Cow Dung

How does one create a sculpture of a politician, who is full of it?

That is the question artist, Sam Mahon, asked himself before he created the artwork for auction.

Mahon has been upset with New Zealand Environmental Minister, Nick Smith, for being too lenient with local dairy farmers regarding pollution. So, he gathered cow dung from the farmer’s land, ground it, added resin and created a mold in which he pressed the combined mixture. He polished it off with an outer coating of beeswax, so it wouldn’t smell.

"The sculpture has a hollow head, which is very fitting. It is highly polished and sits on the stand slightly to the right of center," the artist told reporters. "Excuse the pun, but I would describe it as crap art," he added.

The sculpture generated 112 bids on a local auction website and $2,220.00 ($3,080NZ).

Mahon said that he will use the proceeds to clean up waterways that have been polluted with sludge from the dairy farms near his home.

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Pachyderm Crossing

In Oklahoma City, an elderly couple thought maybe there was something else in the wine, when they sideswiped an elephant in their SUV, on the way home from church services.

There are a lot of deer and cow crossing signs in the area, but nothing specifically for pachyderms.

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Apparently, a 29-year-old, 4,500 lb. elephant named Jumbo was asserting herself out on U.S. Route 81 in Enid, which is just 80 miles north of Oklahoma City; when the Carpenters came along. She had escaped from the Family Fun Circus at the Garfield County Fairgrounds because she didn’t get along with her handlers. They had been giving her generic brand peanuts. Her tusk went through the side of the Carpenter’s vehicle tearing up sheet metal. Then, she ran into the bushes nearby.

"I thought this can't be happening. Out here you could hit a deer or a cow, but this can't be happening. The good Lord was with us," Mr. Carpenter, said. His wife used her cell phone to call police, but was having a hard time with the police dispatcher, who thought she was reporting a hoax.

“You hit a what?” the radio dispatcher asked sarcastically.

“An elephant” she responded.

“What have you been drinking, lady?”

“I’m not drunk, and we really did hit an elephant. Can you send a police car?”

“What did the elephant look like, was it pink? Are you sure it wasn’t a UFO?”

“No it was a huge gray elephant, I swear.”

By that time, the DUI guys were at the scene and also called the dispatcher, verifying her account.

No one was hurt, except Jumbo, who had a broken tusk and was treated by a veterinarian.

2012 and Yo Homework!

I had an interesting conversation with my grandson a few weeks ago about 2012. It never stops, does it? The doom and gloomers like to affect every generation. Sometimes it has a negative impact like “Why should I do my homework?” Of, course some kids will look for any excuse, so why not 2012, right?

While most of us like to motivate and teach our young people to think positively, you can always find the party poopers, who like to ruin a good day. The Nostradamus folks shut up after the 1999 doomsday prediction and Y2K disaster never happened. Surplus survival kits cropped up all over eBay. Some people turned their bomb shelters into dark rooms, so they could develop beautiful pictures of nature and wildlife.

In my generation, it was the Hare Krishnas and the 7th Day Adventists, carrying “The End is Near” signs on street corners; not to mention the believers in Nostradamus. I often wonder whatever became of all those Hare Krishnas. I understand some have written books on Yoga and Meditation; others went to work for Stephen Spielberg.

Richard Noone, famous author of the 1997 bestselling book "5/5/2000 Ice: the Ultimate Disaster," predicted an Antarctic ice mass that would engulf the planet by May 5, 2000.

Ronald Weinland came closer in his 2006 runaway best seller, "2008: God's Final Witness.” However, two years later, the planet is still intact.

“Now, do your homework!”

An Interview with Humorist Wanda Argersinger

Executive Director for The Lupus Support Network
I first met Wanda Argersinger at the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop in Dayton OH, and we had lunch with a group of other humor writers. We didn’t get a chance to spend more than just a few minutes talking, as the place was chaotic, but she did tell me about a book she was writing about people with chronic illnesses; so, we networked and exchanged business cards. Wanda is a writer, humorist, motivational speaker, and founder of L-Bow (Little Bit of Wanda http://l-bowonline) - she also has lupus. I wanted to follow-up and find out what exciting things she has been doing.

Wanda has been on a number of Florida radio talk shows with several call-in shows, and guests on many television programs.

On the exciting news front, November 2, 2009 clinical trial announcements for Benlysta, a treatment for lupus, can be found at:
http://bit.ly/1fTYR9
Glaxo Smith Kline and Humane Genone Sciences are working on these trials together. The lupus research institute (LRI) has also been instrumental:
http://www.lupusresearchinstitute.org/node/593

As Executive Director for The Lupus Support Network, Wanda is an advocate for all lupus patients, working diligently as a member of the Statewide Coalition for the State of Florida Department of Health Arthritis Prevention and Education Program. She facilitates support groups in the Florida Panhandle and Southern Alabama and trains new facilitators to educate and counsel patients, plans and researches topics to be discussed at meetings.

As a published author, Wanda wrote the book currently being used in The Lupus Support Network SLESH (Systemic Lupus Erythematosus Self Help) classes, written and published a number of pamphlets on various aspects of lupus currently being used for informational purposes at The Lupus Support Network, and My Personal Health Journal, a book sold for a patient’s use in recording and maintaining vital health information. This book is sold nationwide and all profits go to The Lupus Support Network.

Most recently, Wanda has written Y-Mee’s A-B-C Book of Emotions and created a doll that accompanies the book, which can be purchased from http://l-bowonline.com, or www.Lulu.com. She has also been featured in MD News Magazine, Lupus Now Magazine, Ladies in Business, the Pensacola News Journal, and the Tallahassee Democrat.

Wanda is constantly working and actively involved in the Lupus Research Institutes National Coalition (advocating for lupus patients, research funding, and legislative change), as an Associate Member of the American Academy of Rheumatology, a Member of The American Chronic Pain Association, and a Member of the National Fibromyalgia Association, a Member of the National Society of Newspaper columnists, and a member of the National Association of Professional Women.

Wanda has been published in The Legend, a monthly column entitled “The Write Site,” (spotlighting websites that are of interest to writers), Poetic Voices, June 1999, Emerald Coast Review, a short story and poem, and the Gulf Breeze News, as a guest columnist.

When I decided to interview Wanda, I contacted her publicist, Camryn M. Oliver Lemmon, APR, CPRC, of Oliver Consulting Group. Wanda later got back to me and graciously accepted this interview.

Her publicist describes her as “an amazing woman, with Lupus SLE herself, Wanda is the Energizer Bunny come to life, with no need of any batteries! She will keep on giving until she falls over from the weight of her purse while wearing a great hot pink lipstick!”

Another thing Wanda and I have in common besides humor writing is learning Egyptian Arabic. It was not too long ago that I worked with a girl from Alexandria, who was teaching me the basics of her language. I had my mind set on going to Cairo on a vacation. It turns out that since our last meeting, Wanda has learned it too. What a nice coincidence! Now we will have something else interesting to talk about at the 2010 Workshop.

My interview with Wanda:

Q1
Rosie: Wanda, what made you change your career path from network engineer to humor writer?

Wanda: I’ve known since the second grade I was destined to be a humor writer. At that time I wrote a story with my spelling words about mice that lived in the walls and had parties where they got drunk. Counseling was suggested, but I just wrote instead. I had to leave my job as an engineer in 2002 after nearly losing my life to lupus. I was always doing strange and stupid things. When I would share the stories of my mishaps with people they laughed. I decided it was better to have them laugh with me than at me. So I started writing about all of the adventures of a mother, patient, employee, sister, daughter and wife. No subject was safe. Neither were any of my friends.

Q2
Rosie: What is your personal objective for writing your blog http://www.wandaargersinger.com?

Wanda: I want to show everyone that life is not all bad. So many things are funny. With all the bad news on the television, radio and in the papers and magazines, I want people to see life through different eyes and maybe laugh a bit.

Q3
Rosie: How did you land the job as Executive Director for The Lupus Support Network?

Wanda: I have been connected with the organization since I was diagnosed with lupus in 1992. In 2001, I was asked to be the treasurer. That year the organization lost its Executive Director and one member staff. When I left my job in 2002, I resigned from the Board of Directors and applied for the Executive Director Position and got the job. It’s my passion to educate and help all lupus patients; to give them accurate information and let them know they are not alone.

Q4
Rosie: Did you write your books and develop your humor blog after becoming Executive Director?

Wanda: I wrote one novel before becoming Executive Director. I had been writing humorous stories for years and had been sharing them with anyone who was interested, or anyone I could coerce into reading them. When the internet advanced enough I created the blog, it just happened to be after I became Executive Director.

Q5
Rosie: What are your job responsibilities as director?

Wanda: Anything and everything. I am charged with overseeing the support groups, the literature we have for patients, the website, the news letter, and all of other publications; whether written in-house or purchased from another organization. I qualify patients for financial assistance. I secure agreements with medical facilities and physicians to work with us in treating our patients. I am in charge of fundraising projects. I am in charge of the financial information and work with the Treasurer and Board of Directors on our investments. I search for grants, and write the proposals in applying for the grants. I do public speaking to educate others about lupus. I facilitate support groups, deciding when and where there is a need. But I have the most wonderful assistant in the world, who helps me with all of this. She keeps me organized, on track and where I am supposed to be each day. If I’ve forgotten anything, I’m in charge of that too.

Q6
Rosie: What was the most satisfying thing that happened to you as a facilitator for patient meetings?

Wanda: I’ve taught what we call a S.L.E.S.H Course. (Systemic Lupus Erythematosus Self Help). When you see the patients begin to understand their disease and know that they are not alone, it touches your heart. You know that you have made a difference in a patient’s life. Nothing else feels so good. I’ve had patients in tears, hug my neck just to say thank you for being here. How can you not be touched by someone’s tears?

Q7
Rosie: Is a cure for lupus being discussed by the medical profession?

Wanda: A cure is a long way off. The cause is not yet understood and there has been no new medication approved for use for the treatment of lupus in over 50 years. There is hope though. A new drug, Benlysta, has successfully passed some of the clinical trials with proven success. The final clinical trial results will be announced on Monday, November 2nd. All lupus patients are anxiously awaiting the results. If they are positive the drug could hit the market in 2011.

Q8
Rosie: Is there a website that you recommend to patients for information about treatment for the disease?

Wanda: There are many. www.lupus.org is the main site with the most accurate information.

Q9
Rosie: How many books have you written so far?

Wanda: I’ve written 4 books. One is a novel, ready for publication. One is a medical journal that I wrote to help chronically ill patients keep up with all the medical information they have to track. I donated all rights to this book to The Lupus Support Network. I have Y-Mees ABC Book of Emotions that was released earlier this year. I also have a book of my blogs, and true short stories called Shhhhh I’m Trying to Eavesdrop that will be coming out early next year.

Q10
Rosie: How did you come up with the idea for the Y-Mee Doll?

Wanda: I was sitting at a support group waiting for the attendees to arrive. I am always thinking and writing and doodling. I began to think of all the patients who ask “Why Me?” a statement that always ends with a question mark. I was doodling with a question mark, turning it up and down, trying to find a head and a way to add arms to it. The poem just came to me. Together the doll was born in a crude fashion. I took the idea to my daughter-in-law who made a sample for me. We worked on the doll until I was happy with it, and Y-Mee was born.

Q11
Rosie: Have you received an especially touching testimonial that shows how your products have helped someone?

Wanda: Two actually. I was chosen as an “Angel In Our Midst” by the local TV station after the doll was released. It was quite an honor to be included with all the other Angels. The other testimonial came from another lupus patient who lives in Boise, Idaho. She wrote - “Wanda Argersinger’s Y-Mee’s A B C Book of Emotions is a wonderfully written book that comes from the heart. As a Lupus sufferer herself, she has been able to use the humor and the alphabet to describe different emotions that not only lightens the spirit, but will put a smile on your face and laughter in your heart even through difficult pain and distress. I recommend this book for anyone who is battling a chronic disease or depression, or who needs a laugh to just break the stress of everyday life. Wanda has helped so many people through her commitment to support those in need, and if you read her book, she has just helped one more. I extend a grateful hand to Wanda for all of her efforts and for expressing herself through humor to do good for everyone who needs a lift in life. God created a miracle, and her name is Wanda Argersinger."

Q12
Rosie: Who is the most interesting person that you have met on your book signing tours, or as a motivational speaker?

Wanda: I had the opportunity to meet the first Surgeon General of the State of Florida - Ana M. Viamonte Ros, M.D., M.P.H - last year when I was speaking at a woman’s conference in Florida. I was also asked to speak at the International Lupus Conference a few years ago in New York City I met Mary McDonough in New York. She played Erin in the television show The Waltons and is now an advocate for lupus, as she is a lupus patient. I met so many people from all over the world, too many to name.

Q13
Rosie: Have you given motivational speeches for organizations not related to Lupus?

Wanda: Yes. I was asked to be the final speaker in 2008 at Camp MASH in Mobile, AL. They asked me because of my humorous approach to a chronic illness. I’ve also spoken at a number of women’s conferences.

Q14
Rosie: How would someone contact you to schedule a speaking engagement?

Wanda: Via e-mail at wanda@wandaargersinger.com, and through my website are the best ways.

Q15
Rosie: Are you writing another book?

Wanda: I am currently working on a book tentatively titled How The Chest Was Won - Breasts, Bras and Mammary Mishaps. I seem to have some bizarre bad bra/breast karma going on. I might as well profit from it. I am also working on one with stories of humorous things that have happened to lupus patients. I don’t have the title for it yet, but one story is titled, “I Can’t Eat, I Can’t Have Sex, And He Just Ate The Last Piece of Chocolate.”

Q16
Rosie: Tell us something about your personal hobbies?

Wanda: I love potted plants and have a green house that allows them to propagate by themselves each winter when they are put in there for protection. I don’t see what goes on in there and not sure I want to know. But each spring we bring out more than we put in. I love bonsai trees, have all the tools required to tend to them but seem to kill all that come to reside under my care. I love swimming, at night, in the pool, can I say in the nude? I consume books, especially humor books. I gave up my addictions or hobbies of collecting Hall Teapots, and unused exercise equipment for lack of funds to support those hobbies. I currently have about 50 teapots, but always need one more.

Q17
Rosie: How many blogs/columns do you write and what are the URLs?

Wanda: I currently write three. My personal humor blog can be found at www.wandaargersinger.com/blog. I write one for The Lupus Support Network, found at www.thelupussupportnetwork.org/blog. The third one is written weekly for Everyday Health and can be found at www.everydayhealth.com/blogs/defined-by-lupus.

Shukran (Thank you), Wanda!

Jersey Devil Spotted in Washington Township

On Mischief night, over in Washington Township, NJ, three brothers that I know, Mark, Bob, and Luke Nigel were enjoying themselves soaping cars, while their parents thought they were at their friend, Hari’s house watching a movie.

Amid muffled giggles, the kids marveled at their creativity. Bob, who was a good artist, had soaped a picture of Darth Vader on a windshield, and Spiderman was on someone’s back window. Luke fired off some acrylic paint balls at mailboxes. The only car left unscathed was their dad’s new Chrysler 300.

Afterwards, Luke went home. Mark and Bob ditched the left over soap in a nearby drain and started walking through the woods adjacent to their back yard.

The quiet and eerie woods echoed the sounds of an owl and a patchy breeze rustling through the trees. Some tall trees with faces and bare zigzag branches cast their spirit shadows in the boy's path. An owl swooped down to grab a rodent that was scurrying around, its wings just missed the top of Mark's head, and the boys began to walk faster. Then, someone in a Halloween costume appeared. It was half bat with wings, a long tail, and a horse face with horns. It was the strangest costume the boys had ever seen.

"Hey, that's a good costume, what kind of a ghoul are you?

"I'm not a ghoul at all," the creature responded.

"What's your name?"

"Leeds"

"Do you live around here?"

"You might say that."

"Secretive aren't you? You shouldn't be out here by yourself, wanna go trick or treating with us tomorrow night?"

"Not unless they're giving out ham and eggs." Then, Leeds let out a horrible screech and disappeared into the woods behind Nigel's property.

"What the heck was THAT?" Bob said as they went running home.

"I dunno, maybe it was a burglar. Hurry up!" Mark said frantically.

The boys got home and into bed before their parents arrived home.

"Do you think we'll get caught?" Bob asked.

"No," Mark answered, "We'll deny everything and blame it on Luke."

Halloween morning was a total nightmare, Mr. Nigel was furious about the cars and the neighbors were furious with Nigel for letting the kids out of the house. He put the boys on the carpet and badgered them with questions about the night before.

"Dad, there was this strange kid in the neighborhood last night; he said his name was Leeds and he was dressed up in a bat and horse costume. Mark and I saw him when we came back from Hari's house. We only watched a movie"

Leeds?" Mr. Nigel said, "What exactly did he look like?"

The boys described the costume and Leeds' exact comments about ham and eggs. Mr. Nigel was skeptical, but gave them the benefit of a doubt.

The morning paper was sitting on the front porch "JERSEY DEVIL SPOTTED IN WASHINGTON TOWNSHIP" the headlines read. Mr. Nigel read the article and with a look of shock, told the boys what had happened. The creature in the article was spotted about a quarter-mile away from the Nigel's home and described almost exactly as the boys had told their father. It was seen raiding a chicken coop.

"Gee dad, do you think he did it?" Mark asked.

Mr. Nigel's eyebrows narrowed.

"He missed my Chrysler," he clenched his teeth. "However, I will look into this further. Go to your room for a while."

The boys went upstairs feeling a little apprehensive about what lay ahead for the rest of their day.

"Hey, that was close," Bob breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yeah, for a minute there, I thought we would get punished on Halloween."

"I don't believe that we actually saw that Jersey Devil!" Mark said, "Awesome!"

Mr. Nigel finished reading the paper and called his friend over at the police station to find out what happened.

"We've had news reporters outside since early this morning, Howard," his friend said. "In addition to the sightings, someone started a fire over at the Craig's. Mrs. Craig could not positively identify the perpetrator, so she blamed all the kids within a 3-mile radius, including your boys. I told her that your boys wouldn't set fire to bags of dog feces and that if she didn't see who did it, we couldn't do anything, except file an incident report."

The hairs on the back of Mr. Nigel's neck stood up when the fire was mentioned, as he was aware of the fireworks fiasco the night before that at Hari's, when they were "allegedly" celebrating Diwali.

"In case you were not aware of the history of the Jersey Devil," his friend continued, "It allegedly originated in Leeds Point and has been spotted throughout three counties for over 200 years. Sounds like a local myth to me, though."

"Leeds?" Mr. Nigel responded.

"Yes, legend has it that a Mrs. Leeds over in the Pine Barrens gave birth to the devil 200 years ago. It was her 13th child. It was cursed from conception, as the lady didn't want another child. When it was born, it looked just as it does in reported sightings, half bat and half horse with a long tail. It flew out the window scaring its midwife, and has been on the loose ever since."

Mr. Nigel thanked his friend, and hung up.

"Poppy cock!" he commented, as he sat in the kitchen pensively munching on his cold pizza like a dog on a bone. The family dog, an overweight Golden Retriever named Buckwheat, was sitting patiently for a crumb to fall off the table. His eyes were blinking quickly, as if he was anticipating a shower of crumbs and he began to drool.

"Ruff!" Buckwheat pleaded, but still no crumb of pizza was forthcoming. He muffled a sound of disappointment, belched, and laid back down. His jowls were spread out across the comic section of the newspaper on the floor like lava that had just petered out after running down the side of a mountain. They stopped just short of a Mike Peters' cartoon of a demented Superhero, who even looked like Howard Nigel.

"Do you think we should let the children go out trick or treating tonight with that thing on the loose?" Mom asked.

"Don't worry, I'll go with them" he assured her.

On Halloween, the boys wore Phillies numbered jerseys as costumes, since it was also the third game of the 2009 World Series. They told all their friends about the Jersey Devil incident and their mom got a phone call from two newspaper reporters, who interviewed them for the Courier-Post about the sighting.

They went out trick or treating hoping they didn’t run into Leeds!

Pitbulls Don't Always Bite

The other day, my head hunter called and said he had a job interview lined up for me at a client about an hour away. Of course, being a woman the first two things that came to mind before even thinking about making 5 copies of my resume and the potential technical questions the interviewer might ask - hair and nails.

Uppermost on my mind was whether or not the razor stubble would show through my pantyhose. Did I even have a spare pair of those? After all, I put my fingernails through the last pair I wore, while hopping around on one foot, thinking about beating rush hour traffic, instead of what I was doing - one of my major faults.

I must go to the CVS drug store, I thought.

While driving over to CVS to buy stockings and a disposable razor, I pulled a Maria Shriver and called my hairdresser from my cell phone. There are about 6 very important speed dial numbers programmed into my cell phone: hairdresser, bookie, the Italian bakery, PetCo, kids, and 911 - I memorized the one for road service.

"Hi, this is Rose" I said. "I have sort of an emergency. Is Tony available for a cut and blow?" I asked. The receptionist is used to me and laughed.

"Hey, Rose, he can fit you in for just a cut in 45 minutes. Is that OK?"

"Great," I said, as I lowered the receiver until the cop made a left, "see you then."

I can blow-dry it myself before I paint my nails, I thought, so I don't mess up my manicure. There is nothing worse than overlooking a long hair stuck to the polish and hanging down off the pen while you are taking notes at the interview, except maybe a short curly one. Both are controversial.

I bought my stuff and arrived at the hairdresser to find some guy walking in the front door with a Pitbull. My hairdresser is gifted, but I didn't think he also bobbed dog tails.

In unison, about three people said "Ohhh, look, isn't he cute?" Followed by "oohs" and "ahhs, coochie-coo" lots of petting, and the important questions, like "What is he?" and "how old? ahhh."

"He's a 6-month-old Pitbull." the owner said. Lots of silence followed. "Its OK, he doesn't bite."

"Ohhh, he's just a puppyyy!"

Everybody went about their business. I sat in the waiting room frantically leafing through the hair magazines, so I could give Tony a real challenge for $35.

Then it happened... Poochie took a crap, and I mean a foot long one, right at the front door on the welcome mat. His owner was only half finished getting a dye job. One of the shampoo girls ran over to him gagging and handed him a roll of paper towels, just before an 85-year-old customer walked in and got lucky.

There he stood, red as a beat, half of his hair was getting fermented. His pride and joy just lost the popularity contest at Tony's. The place smelled like a combination of bleach, every flavor shampoo, and road kill. I don't know what Poochie had for breakfast and didn't ask.

I wasn't sure if the smell would linger on my clothes, so I went back to CVS and bought some dryer sheets and used them as shoulder pads.

True, no matter what you hear, Pitbulls don't always bite.