Sunday, February 1, 2009

Taps and a Three-Gun Salute for Centerville Commode

Photo credit: Centerville, Utah, Police Department

Today, a murdered toilet will be laid to rest in Centerville, Utah. It is survived by one urinal and a sink at Carl’s Jr. Restaurant, 385 N. 800 West.

The perpetrator is an unnamed 26-year-old, who was carrying a registered concealed .40 caliber Kahr P40 handgun. He went into the bathroom wearing the handgun holstered inside of his pants.

The perp claims that it was an accidental shooting, as he suffered minor injuries to an arm from commode shards.

"While pulling his pants up the gun fell out of the holster, striking the tile floor," Centerville Police Lt. Paul Child said. "When the gun hit the floor, it went off, and the bullet struck the toilet, shattering it and sending sharp pieces of porcelain flying."

"In this case it appears that the accident would have been prevented if the man had used a secure holster," Child added. "A good quality firearm also should not fire if it is dropped."

One other customer, who was scared shitless, was treated at the scene.

Carl’s Jr. employees and customers will hold the funeral service today for the famous commode. A spokesperson says, “Our thoughts go out to the surviving men’s room urinal and porcelain sink.”

Fifty attendees will receive Kaboom Bowl Blaster toilet cleaner. Employees say that it was the commode’s favorite cleaner.

“It was such a shame,” said Carl’s Jr. manager, Christian Martinez. “We have received e-mails and cards from all over the country expressing condolences for our loss.”

A distraught customer left this sentiment on the wall inside the now empty stall:

"Johnny commode will be remembered by many today after this tragic gun accident that cut his life of service short, his grandfather, Bill Outhouse had dreams of Johnny one day taking over the family out house, but Johnny had bigger dreams of going full flush. Ed Urinal a long time rest room associate who handled a lot of Johnny's over flow on busy days said he always had a good word for everyone, he called me a ‘stand up guy'. We will miss him; I just hope we don't get one of those uppity auto flush commodes to replace him. Johnny always welcomed folks to sit a spell, read the sports page, make cell phone calls and sneak a quick smoke, he saw a lot of strange things over the years in his stall, but his motto 'what goes on in this stall stays in his stall' will be quietly appreciated by many who knew of Johnny's don't ask don't tell policy. Johnny wouldn't want anyone to be sad for him, he always said 'it happens.”

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