Friday, February 27, 2009

Doodlers and Government Funding

While President Barack Obama is cutting costs in the stimulus package for the funding of frivolous scientific research projects, Plymouth University in England is studying the impact doodling has on human memory retention.

“The Queen is especially fond of doodlers and cites the fact that Benjamin Disraeli did it all the time,” a spokesperson from the UK said. “A doodle of HRM Queen Victoria still hangs in Parliament. I believe it’s the one he did of Her Majesty when he coined the phrase ‘The best way to become acquainted with a subject is to doodle.”

President Obama did not specify what research in the U.S. will remain government funded and which will be dropped from the stimulus package, but insiders speculate that military and disease will stay on the budget; as will bioterrorism and energy. However, research pertaining to Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) of human sexual intercourse; cello scrotum; animal dung studies; penis enlargement or fracture; the sexual habits of insects, fish, and cave bats; platypus genomes; booger bacteria; searching for still more paradoxes in pokeweed; farts and air pollution; kangaroos and methane; and the effects of rock ’n’ roll music on nocturnal cricket songs, have got to go.

“No amount of money spent on crickets is ever going to make your back yard sound like a Jerry Lee Lewis concert.” He said. “And while ultimately, crickets will come together and make beautiful music free of charge, the government will not be funding this research.”

So much for “Great Balls of Fire” in the moonlight.

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