U.N. and Cypress Engage in Asparagus Standoff

On the ethnically divided Island of Cypress, U.N. peacekeepers are getting the bird flipped by local residents and harvesters, who gather and sell locally grown asparagus.

The cause of the standoff is a banned area called the “buffer zone,” a divider between east and west that separates the internationally recognized Republic of Cyprus from a third of the island that is calling itself the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus, recognized only by Turkey.

Who’s guarding the asparagus?

The U.N. controls the buffer zone also known as the “Green Line.” This is where the asparagus grows and the U.N. soldiers roam, and the sheep get ready for mutton stew. The U.K also has military bases there.

"This is unacceptable behaviour and I have demanded that action is taken," said Nicos Kotziambashis, leader of the village of Mammari, which has been hit hard by the U.N. ban. "The situation is explosive."

This year, due to ideal weather conditions, a bumper crop of asparagus called "aggrelia" is expected; and the villagers want their Euros.

So here we have a huge peacekeeping operation preventing the little guy from earning a living.

Why don’t they just set up security points for the villagers, so they can go to work in the buffer zone?

Peacekeeping signs can read “No Cameras, Cell Phones, or Other Spy Equipment Allowed; Background Checks, Urine Samples, and Strip Checks Here; Must Eat Asparagus Sample in Front of Guard.”

“Reporters Without Borders, forgetaboutit!”


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Doodlers and Government Funding

While President Barack Obama is cutting costs in the stimulus package for the funding of frivolous scientific research projects, Plymouth University in England is studying the impact doodling has on human memory retention.

“The Queen is especially fond of doodlers and cites the fact that Benjamin Disraeli did it all the time,” a spokesperson from the UK said. “A doodle of HRM Queen Victoria still hangs in Parliament. I believe it’s the one he did of Her Majesty when he coined the phrase ‘The best way to become acquainted with a subject is to doodle.”

President Obama did not specify what research in the U.S. will remain government funded and which will be dropped from the stimulus package, but insiders speculate that military and disease will stay on the budget; as will bioterrorism and energy. However, research pertaining to Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) of human sexual intercourse; cello scrotum; animal dung studies; penis enlargement or fracture; the sexual habits of insects, fish, and cave bats; platypus genomes; booger bacteria; searching for still more paradoxes in pokeweed; farts and air pollution; kangaroos and methane; and the effects of rock ’n’ roll music on nocturnal cricket songs, have got to go.

“No amount of money spent on crickets is ever going to make your back yard sound like a Jerry Lee Lewis concert.” He said. “And while ultimately, crickets will come together and make beautiful music free of charge, the government will not be funding this research.”

So much for “Great Balls of Fire” in the moonlight.

Hypothetical Emergency Situation... TwitterMobile

OK, so you think you’re secure do you?

You’re on Facebook and Twitter with 1500 friends, all of whom would risk life and limb to protect you. An emergency situation happens and all you have with you is your cell phone or iPod.

How fast can you fat-finger "HELP (expletive deleted)" on the key pad? If you did that, how could you let people know what’s happening?

Remember Mrs. Fletcher, who fell and couldn’t get up? Well, those little dispatch devices are no longer maintenance supported by LifeCall. It went out of business. Somewhere in San Francisco, Forest Gump-Chow is lying on the floor with a broken femur at the Peking Moon, after drinking too much sake, and is sending an alert to LifeCall. Jenny is in Rio, and the signal is lost somewhere in space debris.

In view of this situation, I have developed some three-digit 900 codes that you can preprogram and transmit, or Tweet to your Twitter friends that will explain any emergency, especially the embarrassing ones that prevent you from providing details or calling 911. I call it the “Brethren of the Coast” list:

912 – I’m in excruciating pain, caught in my zipper at the office, bring Darvon and pliers

913 - I’m in excruciating pain, caught in my zipper at home, bring Darvon and pliers

914 - I’m in excruciating pain, caught in my zipper at the Mall, bring Darvon and pliers

915 – Code Vegas, come quick, I’m at the office

916 – Code Vegas, come quick, I’m at home

917 – Code Vegas, come quick, I’m at the club

918 – Code Vegas, come quick, I’m at the [customize the blank]

919 – I just ran over your cat

920 – I just ran over your dog

921 – I just ran over your mother-in-law, bring a shovel

922 – Help! I failed my superhero role-playing fantasy; I’m on top of my garage

923 – There’s an 800 lb. gorilla in my room, bring coffee

924 – Dumbass emergency, call my cell phone

925 – I’m at the police station, bring donuts and money

926 - Dooood!

927 – The battery died in my remote control, bring Xanax and batteries

928 - I'm shaving my legs in the sink, leg is stuck, bring wax

929 - I'm cleaning the oven, hair is impossibly stuck in the overhead broiler coils, bring scissors.

930 – I’m locked in my car!

931 – I just had an accident, bring clean underwear

932 – Got your message, flipping you the bird

Blockbuster Prediction for 2009 - America Libre

I really hate to do this to you - keeping you in suspense for five months. However, I’m convinced that you should be informed early. You know you can take it. After all, you waited years for all the Harry Potter books to be released and that was just magical kid stuff.

Who’s going to provide the magic to thwart political revolution, Batman?

As you can see, I put humor aside for now, to tell you about a blockbuster in the making.

International Latino Book Award-winning author, Raul Ramos Y Sanchez, is in the process of writing a best-selling trilogy, with the first release, "America Libre," scheduled for July 2009. It is an action-packed story of love, ethnic turmoil, and intrigue; plus the author adds deeply moving, thought-provoking commentary. Ultimately, you will get absolutely hooked on the entire trilogy - American Libre, El Nuevo Alamo, and Pancho Land.

“America Libre” is the best dramatic fiction that book sellers will have to offer you this summer; and with the economy stifling vacations and other expensive leisure activity, you deserve a good read.

The events in “America Libre” take place in the second decade of the twenty-first century. As the immigration crisis reaches the boiling point, once-peaceful Latino protests explode into rioting. Cities across the nation are in flames. Anglo vigilantes bent on revenge launch drive-by shootings in the barrios, wantonly killing young and old. Exploiting the turmoil, a congressional demagogue succeeds in passing legislation that transforms the nation’s teeming inner-city barrios into walled-off Quarantine Zones. In this chaotic landscape, Manolo Suarez is struggling to provide for his family. Under the spell of a beautiful Latina radical, the former U.S. Army Ranger eventually finds himself questioning his loyalty to his wife—and his country.

In “El Nuevo Alamo,” the sequel to “America Libre,” hispanic insurgents are joined by conventional forces from the U.N. during a protracted war of independence. As of this writing, there is no release date scheduled.

In “Pancho Land,” the final installment of the “America Libre Trilogy,” the storyline follows the struggles against tyranny and corruption in the fledgling Hispanic Republic of North America.

Put this one on your “must read” list!

You can read more on the Raul Ramos Y Sanchez website.

1400 Cans of Beer Busted in Brunei

It was an exciting beer smuggling operation on the high seas, just off the coast of Borneo. The delivery was to take place in Bandar Seri Begawan, Brunei; a predominately Muslim country.

It is against the strict religious laws of Islam to pop open a Bud in Borneo. The penalty for getting caught can be fatal; worse than walking the plank. You can actually lose your head before the beer does.

Authorities nailed the crew and cargo in the South China Sea, and discovered 1400 cans of beer.

Brunei's Royal Customs Department could not be reached for comment. Insiders say they were out sampling the contraband.

The Borneo Bulletin newspaper reported the incident along with a missing person’s report that suggests some of the smugglers were captured by local headhunters. They did not specify from which Malaysian state the culprits originally set sail.

As you know, beer has many uses. You can clean rusty razors with beer and it is highly acidic, making it an excellent meat tenderizer. Beer barbecue sauce is also tasty.

The smugglers will be charged as soon as they can be found.



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Soda Innovation - Sacred Cow Pee

"Samosas go better with cola"

Cows are sacred in India and it is widely believed that their urine "gau mutra" has healing powers. Gau mutra is often used in purification rituals.

The Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS) wants to develop a new cola flavored cow pee soda pop.

"It has been established that cow urine is capable of curing even cancer, so imagine a drink which would not only be tasty but also healthy," says Om Prakash, an RSS spokesman.

Most scientists from the U.S. disagree with RSS claims that drinking cow pee can cure cancer.

Others are concerned that they will not be able to camouflage the taste or smell.

I can't imagine how they will collect the liquid for mass production. I've only seen a set up like that at Jiffy Lube, where two guys stand under an open grill and collect dirty oil from a car. Pee is lighter than oil and sprays. But what do I know?

Do they make cow catheters? If so, doesn't 500 feet of plastic tubing siphoning cow pee into a large water tower interfere with grazing?

If you have ever owned a cat that was not spayed, you are familiar with the strong aroma of its urine. With that said, I don’t think many people will be anxious to sample gau mutra cola.

Cheers! - Oscars and Mardi Gras 2009

With the American economy on the down-swing, Mardi Gras and entertainment are on the up-swing.

I watched the 2009 Oscar Awards the other night, but the most notable entertainment was the musical medley performed by Hugh Jackman and Beyonce Knowles. Everything else actually sucked. I was not impressed.

OK, “Slumdog Millionaire,” was a good film choice for Best Picture considering our own economic woes and the divorce between Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac, but Opie losing out to Danny Boyle, who could easily portray a rumpled Rudy Giuliani in “Moore/Giuliani” or "Baghdad Bacon"? Meh!

Beyonce Knowles, not only did “the” fantastic job of the evening on Sunday, but she has roots in New Orleans, her mother being of Creole descent. She demonstrated unbelievable talent at the Oscars and her career is definitely going places. She had the audience going nuts cheering her performance.

People from Louisiana tend to be positive thinkers and optimists, something that tends to rub off on large drunken crowds. This is a good thing, especially during Mardi Gras, for the local police department trying to keep the peace. Only one guy lost his beer to a coin tosser and the culprit didn't hesitate to buy another round.

As you can see from the video below, neither recession nor catastrophic flood can put a damper on the annual New Orleans Mardi Gras celebration, which ends today.

Mardi Gras began in 1857 and it has only been canceled 13 times, for major epidemics and wars. After Hurricane Katrina damaged most of Bourbon St., the parades simply moved to other locations on high ground.

Christopher Ycaza, general manager of Galatoire's Restaurant in the French Quarter, says "Mardi Gras is such a part of the community here, the locals may cut back in other areas. But they'll save and, for this one day, blow it out."

University Expels Lizard Dung

Daniel Bennett, a student at the Leeds University in England, collected 35 kilograms of butaan lizard feces as part of his PhD research. It took him over seven years to collect all of the samples in the rainforests of the Philippines.

To Bennett, the lizard droppings represented “seven years of painstaking work searching the rainforest with a team of reformed poachers to find the feces of one of the world's largest, rarest and most mysterious lizards.” The butaan lizard is closely related to the rare komodo dragon.

"Whether it was the largest collection of lizard shit in the world is uncertain," he said. "But it certainly contained the only dietary sample from that little-known species Varanus olivaceus, and probably the most complete dietary record of any single population of animals in South East Asia."

After returning from one of his trips to the Philippines to gather more feces, Bennett was devastated to find that the University had cleaned up the laboratory and threw away his bag of samples.

The University printed the story under the headline “Oh Crap, There Goes My Work.”

In a statement the university said: "The loss of these samples was an unfortunate mistake. They were thrown away in error because they were in an unmarked bag.

Lessons have been learned and protocols improved to ensure this cannot happen again. Mr Bennett is due to graduate with his PhD this year, subject to minor corrections to his thesis unrelated to the loss of the materials." In other words, he'll graduate without his old shit, but has his new shit.

“To some people it was just another bag of lizard shit,” Bennett told reporters. To him, however, it represented years of hard work running around in the Philippines with a butaan lizard pooper scooper.

I can fully relate to Mr. Bennett’s predicament. In my neighborhood, we have all sorts of berry bushes growing in the wild. I can usually tell which ones the birds ate by the color of all the splatters on my car. If I go down to Pat's Steaks in South Philly, the droppings take on an orange color (cheese whiz) and come down on my windshield "wit" (onions).

If I had set my mind to scraping some of it off my windshield, to examine under a microscope, and became an avid collector of urban bird droppings, I would be ticked off if someone thought my stash was “just another bag of bird shit” and threw it out.

If at First You Don’t Succeed Get Inspired!

Cha Sa-soon, of Seoul, South Korea, is the poster child for inspiring motivation and determination - she never gives up.

This 68-year-old woman has failed her driving test 775 times during the last four years, but is determined to succeed.

"I believe you can achieve your goal if you persistently pursue it," she says. "So don't give up your dream. Like me, be strong and do your best."

"I've looked up some guidebooks to get a driver's license, and they were saying it takes at most five years to get this," Cha added.

Cha has already spent 10 million won, or $6,800 US, on driving test applications, so she can buy a truck and start her own business. She already knows that Seoul has one of the so-called 'tiger economies' of the Pacific Rim, and she wants to cash in on the booming market and sell sea pineapples to a Tokyo fish market.

Rumor has it that she has a crush on Andrew Zimmern of Bizarre Foods fame.

I think she should also get a ghost writer and produce a “Behind Every Great Idea is a Motivated Senior” inspirational booklet.




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Uncovering Prawo Jazdy - Ireland's ‘Scarlet Pimpernel’

Ireland’s most famous scofflaw, Prawo Jazdy, has been uncovered thanks to top-notch detective work.

Hundreds of traffic tickets and warrants have been issued to Prawo Jazdy all over Ireland from County Donegal to County Cork. A leprechaun with psychic powers was called in from Tipperary to assist police (Garda Síochána ) in finding this mobile criminal, who thumbed his nose at the law.

Was it a Prawo Jazdy gang, much like the Scarlet Pimpernel of olden times?

Mr. Jazdy blew traffic lights in County Kilhenny, ran over a farm animal in neighboring Waterford, kicked up a puddle of mud on an elderly woman in Dublin, and threw glass bottles out the window near Carlow Castle.

All points’ bulletins were issued and the Garda were ready to kiss the blarney stone if it wasn’t more than one man.

The Garda’s data base was filling up fast and the Garda Commissioner was suffering from stress and stomach disorder. He even made rookies watch Speedy Gonzales cartoons, in the hopes of finding a clue.

“Who can drive like that and live?” asked Patty McGuire, a local pub owner in Dublin.

Then one night Garda Michael O’Brian happened to read an article in the Irish Independent newspaper that gave statistics on the number of Polish immigrants coming to Ireland. One guy, Stanislas Podlawski, a recent immigrant was interviewed. He told of how difficult it was to get his prawo jazdy changed in Ireland.

Well, when Michael saw that, he called the newspaper reporter right away for some answers!

He learned that “prawo jazdy” means “driving license” in Polish. The words are usually positioned on the driving document where first and last names normally appear on Irish licenses.

Rookie, William Mulligan, was relieved of his Speedy Gonzales duty; and the Garda Commissioner was informed.

A Garda directive was issued throughout Ireland that instructed Garda not to put “Prawo” and “Jazdy” as the "first" and "last" name on traffic tickets when pulling over a Polish driver.

This is the Alpha and Omega of buffoons.

Data base cleanup took several weeks.


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'Skull and Bones' Sued for Geronimo’s Remains

A law suit filed by descendants of Geronimo against Yale’s Skull and Bones Society is seeking the renegade’s skull and bones that the group stole from his burial plot in Fort Sill, OK, in 1918, when Prescott Bush (Dubya’s grandfather) was stationed there during World War I. They want the items returned, so that Geronimo can go to his happy hunting ground, in accordance with Apache religious beliefs.

Skull and Bones members are known as “bonesmen.”

The federal lawsuit brought by Harlyn Geronimo, Geronimo’s great-grandson, on the 100th anniversary of Geronimo’s death, names Skull and Bones, Yale University, the Federal Government, President Barack Obama, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, and Army Secretary Pete Geren as defendants.

As you know, the infamous secret Skull and Bones Society gained notoriety during President George W. Bush’s campaign, when he won the nomination against John Kerry, also a bonesman. Members of the secret society are Yale graduates and undergraduates, although Yale denies any affiliation between the University itself and Skull and Bones. Skull and Bones became a media focus during the campaign and if you have seen the film “Dead Poets Society,” starring Robbin Williams, you’ve got the idea.

Skull and Bones owns a New Haven clubhouse called The Tomb, as well as a campground where they hold annual reunions. The difference between dead poets and bonesmen is that most bonesmen are powerful figures in politics and corporate America, who network together, ensuring each other’s success. I often wonder how much pull that has in Congress, as opposed to what voters want.

Anyway, the symbol of the secret society is, of course, similar to a Jolly Roger, except that it has a number at the base of the crossbones, 322.

Even though it is a secret society, it has been infiltrated by a few bucket mouths and super sleuths, who blew its cover. They say that bonesmen are all thieves (Pirates and Politics 101), who worship the mythical Goddess Eulogia (I didn't want to use urban diction here).

Apparently, the number 322 represents the death of Greek statesman and orator, Demosthenes (384-322), of ancient Athens, who took the Goddess Eulogia into the heavens. How he did this is anyone’s guess, but she kept uttering “Oh God!”

In order to pay homage to Eulogia, bonesmen steal things and place the stolen items in The Tomb. Sources claim that there are a lot of human bones in the tomb, as well as valuable artifacts. I suppose one could even imagine an underground Amber Room used as a humidor with a stash of Cuban Romeo y Julietas, or Edvard Munch’s stolen artwork, The Scream.

I wonder if FoxNews will handle that like the grand opening of Al Capone’s secret vault, with Geraldo at the helm?

Long story short, the controversy began in 2005, when a letter was discovered that implicated Skull and Bones in the theft of Geronimo’s remains. The letter, sent to F. Trubee Davison by Winter Mead, read "The skull of the worthy Geronimo the Terrible, exhumed from its tomb at Fort Sill by your club and Knight Haffuer, is now safe inside the T — together with is well worn femurs, bit and saddle horn."

This is going to be a very interesting turn of events.

In the words of the great General George Armstrong Custer “There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry.”

Will it be Skull and Bones' last stand, or Geronimo's wounded patella?

Injured Deer Seeks Treatment

A deer made an unexpected visit to a Rossfield, OH, PetSmart recently, after suffering minor injuries by a careless hit and run driver.

The deer, who is not a mathematician, claims that he was traveling at about 55 mph in the northbound lane of a major highway when an SUV doing 65 mph, 10 miles over the speed limit, made contact with his butt and sent him sailing at 120 mph into a nearby cornfield. Visions of Bambi and old salt licks raced through his brain.

Needless to say, his pride was crushed. So was the front-end of the SUV.

Stunned and shaken, he didn’t get the license number of the SUV that hit him, but did spot the nearby PetSmart store. He limped over a large bumper lying on the road, and made his way to the strip mall.

The pet shop employees said that they were used to people bringing their pets to the store for treatment on days when the veterinarian is there, but never before has an animal demonstrated assertiveness in seeking help.

Manager, Trudi Urie, said that the deer was loitering about the back entrance waiting for the store to open. As soon as employees opened up, the deer ran into the stock room with its injured leg.

The veterinarian, Agustin Cuesta, was not in the store that day so he had the deer brought into his clinic and closed a wound on its hind leg with dissolvable stitches as assistants held it down.

After the animal was treated, they let him loose.

When the deer got back into the woods, his family was waiting for him. They celebrated his recovery with C'mere Deer Shake ‘n Takes™.

Some animals do have common sense, unlike this one trying to commit hara-kiri in the video:


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Dramatic Hissy Fit at Hong Kong Airport

Do you remember all those times growing up when mom made you sit on the bad chair?

You should thank her profusely.

In the video below, a Cantonese woman, who missed her flight to San Francisco, threw a dramatic hissy fit at Hong Kong International Airport, holding security at bay. Evidently, she never had to sit on the bad chair, learn self-control, behave herself, or deal with ordinary stress.

No one knows if her significant other is bleeding and still waiting to be rescued from the men’s room, or if he fled in terror to the airport bar.

More than a million people have already watched this viral video on YouTube:

Penguin’s Valentine Personal – Jackass Penguins Need Not Apply

Roxy, a popular Rockhopper penguin at the London zoo, is actively looking for a mate. She is free, single, and has a MySpace page advertising her qualities. Jackass penguins need not apply.

“I've been living here at London Zoo for over a year after moving from Whipsnade Zoo. I just couldn't hack country life as I'm more of an urban chick and prefer the pace of life in London. I've been lucky with my property acquisitions; there aren't many pads in central London that boast their own pool and lots of outdoor space. Some of the facilities are shared - things can get a bit hectic when all the tenants get together for dinner, but mostly everyone just chills out by the pool minding their own business. Most of the tenants are jackasses - Jackass penguins that is - but there's a couple of young rockhoppers coming up through the ranks. I'm keen to see what else is out there before I commit though - we penguins are faithful souls that mate for life so I don't want to be too hasty.” Roxy posted on her page.

“A male rockhopper with good feathers - must be part of the European breeding programme though.

It would also be great to meet you! You can find me hanging out by the penguin pool at London Zoo every day of the year (except Christmas Day - a gal's got to have a break!)”

Among her favorite heroes are Feathers McGraw, Pingu, Wheezy the Penguin, and Chilly Willy.

You can visit Roxy online and send a Valentine card. She has many human friends and admirers: Roxy's MySpace Page.

Matchmaker Matchmaker Look Through Your Books

On Valentine’s Day, I wanted to let you know of a new trend among the country’s wealthiest bachelors. As the stock market goes down the tubes, crumbling otherwise confident egos, the need for love sky rockets. I know that you have seen this phenomenon among primates as reported by Jane Goodall in “What do They do When There is Nothing to do?”

Prestigious New York matchmakers are reporting a booming business. Not only that, but these rich guys are not looking for one-night stands. They are actually seeking relationships.

"In these economic times, the dynamics have really shifted in favor of relationships," said Rachel Greenwald, matchmaker and author of a newly released book titled "Why He Didn't Call You Back."

"Casual dating seemed to be a by-product of the go-go days of past years when the stock market was booming," she said.

"People had disposable money and they wanted disposable relationships. Now things have really shifted emotionally."

Samantha Daniels, President of Samantha’s Table, says that she has many more clients, who are willing to pay over $25,000 to meet women.

“Some men simply have more time to focus on relationships because their business is on hold, for example those in real estate or hedge funds.” She alluded to the fact that some clients are not looking for “endless first dates with different women,” but want a partner, who will tolerate endless mood swings and temper tantrums that coincide with ticker tape reports.

"Everything is so volatile every day, and some days you're in a really bad mood," Daniels said. "Nothing is worse than if you're in a really bad mood and you have to put on your happy face for a first date and be all energetic and happy.”

"Men need to have something in their life that's stable. Usually it's their business life, but if it's not that, they're looking to have some stability in their personal life," she added.

The old one-night stand-owned website, http://dabagirls.wordpress.com, is a blog written by disgruntled ex-girlfriends or sour grapes, who think that a carriage ride in Central Park for Valentine’s Day is a poor substitute for expensive blings from Tiffany’s.

So, on this Valentine’s Day take heart; the silver lining in the economic dark cloud?

Love is among the futures on Wall Street.

Stimulus Package Benefits “No Pork” Harley-Davidson

Harley-Davidson has the ticker symbol HOG on the New York Stock Exchange, but it is not considered “Pork” in the $789 billion economic recovery and stimulus package.

Harley-Davidson will reap some benefits over a period of two years, that provides a tax credit for consumers buying motorcycles. This credit is part of an initiative by Democratic Senators Herb Kohl and Russ Feingold of Wisconsin, and senators from Missouri and Pennsylvania, where Harley-Davidson plants are located.

“Like other struggling businesses, sluggish sales have led to job losses in the motorcycle industry and the dealerships that depend on it," Kohl said in a press release.

"We should do all we can to help Harley-Davidson weather this poor economy so they can boost sales and retain jobs, and we hope this provision in the economic recovery package will move us in that direction," He added.

“Expansion of the tax credit should attract more motorcycle buyers,” Feingold said in a joint press release with Senator Kohl.

Harley-Davidson is planning to cut 1,100 jobs over two years. Over 645 of those jobs are in Milwaukee. Facilities will be closed in Wisconsin. The reduced workforce will also reduce production levels to adjust to the expected decline in demand for motorcycle purchases in 2009.

Congress might approve the economic recovery and stimulus package by Friday before being signed by President Barack Obama.

New tax credit HOG
Commands stimulus respect
The legend rolls on

The Candy Man Can

In Middletown, Ohio, a renegade teenager was caught after ordering over $37,000 worth of candy online using his school’s Purchase Order (PO) number.

The candy was ordered from The Goodies Factory, in Michigan, home of Treble Clef Lollipops and Hershey variety packs.

When the candy company noticed that the huge order of lollipops and candy bars were being shipped to a private address, they called the school and found out that the order was bogus.

Authorities asked the company to mail an empty box to the address given on the order. They arrested the teenager upon delivery.

The teenager allegedly acted alone and has been charged with two counts of felony telecommunications fraud. No one knows how he obtained the PO number. His bond is over $30,000.

A candy company spokesperson said that if it was a younger person, the order would have contained gummy bears and candy dots. So, they suspected that the perpetrator was a teenager or adult. “It couldn’t be a Mother’s Day gift either, unless his mother is Yo Mama.”

Bikers Resurge Baiku as Freedom of Speech

When one visualizes a group of men cruising down a highway on Harley-Davidsons cutting aggressive virile figures in a surreal masculine cadence; the last thing that would come to mind is poetry.

Well, think again, these guys are not wimps.

In recent months, poetry has enjoyed resurgence among bikers. Not just any poetry, but something called three-line “baiku,” or 17-sylable poetry. Typically, Baiku contains six lines, but the three-line version is the more popular version among bikers.

Author, Jose Gouveia, has published a book called "Rubber Side Down." It is a book of poems by bikers, many verses were written by members of the Highway Poets Motorcycle Club of Cambridge, MA. Most of the prose describes life on the open road.

A template of a baiku, with lines containing 5-7-5 syllables, looks like this:

Blah blah blah blah tune (5)
Blah blah blah blah on the road (7)
Blah blah blah blah stealth (5)

Blah blah blah blah soon (5)
Blah blah blah blah for the toad (7)
Blah blah blah blah wealth (5)

You can use your imagination to create a Y-chromosome Harley Davidson-type three-line poem, but it would probably look like this:

Cruising a solo
is reflection on the road
gives space and freedom

If you want to juice it up a bit:

Renegade a blog
to find Joy along the way
wearing bunny feet

or

Double thumper has
hooligans on crotch rocket
not Harleys, uncool!

Where did this idea come from?

In Canada, Antonio Batista wrote an ode of non-appreciation to Ward 9 Councilor Pat Saito on an abandoned pothole. The verse was misconstrued as a death threat to someone in city council. However, the Ontario Court of Appeals overturned Batista’s conviction and said that it was a form of literary expression.

Freedom of speech, while not always used honorably, can be satirical.

Man Arrested for Smuggling Eggplant

Richard Janeczko, a 23 year-old man from Australia, recently got arrested for smuggling after returning home to Melbourne from a trip to Dubai. Upon entering the customs area, authorities couldn’t figure out the source of a muffled tweeting sound, or the distinct smell of Za'atar, a seed spice.

Upon closer inspection, customs authorities found two eggs in a vitamin container in the man’s luggage. This lead to a more extensive search, which yielded two live pigeons inside padded envelopes that were taped to the inside of his legs under a pair of tights, some seeds inside a money belt, and an undeclared eggplant.

There were some minor contusions on Janeczko’s testicles, but they were only beak marks and were quickly treated with iodine.

There was no printed recipe in any of his pockets or inside of his tights, so authorities assumed that the concoction he planned to make should be categorized as intellectual property. All evidence was turned over to the Australian Quarantine Service and the Australian Secret Intelligence Service was also called in to investigate.

Smuggling in Australia carries a maximum penalty of 10 years in jail and a fine of over $70,000 U.S. dollars.

The Australian government would not comment on the continuing investigation. However, a leak inside informed us that the eggplant was probably going to be used for baba ghannouj, an eggplant dip; or at $70,000 an ounce, “gourmet” baba ghannouj. The pigeons and resultant droppings remain a mystery.

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911 Dispatcher Eavesdrops on Drug Deal

Somewhere in Ohio, Alejandro Melendez was sitting in his car with a straw; his sheepdog, Cheech; and a monkey on his back. Cheech had accidently sniffed the last of the cocaine and was whining something that sounded like "Échale Salsita" in the back seat.

Melendez noticed two gringos in a Corvette with guns watching him. He was caught in a dilemma; should he call 911, or score some more crack? He sat there in a cold sweat. It was either his nerves or the monkey, he wasn’t sure which. He called 911.

He asked the dispatcher if he could put him on hold for a minute. Melendez was jonesing for a fix. As he put the dispatcher on hold, he called his supplier. The dispatcher got cut off, so he called back. Melendez thought that he had put the dispatcher on hold again, while he spoke with the drug supplier. However, the dispatcher heard the entire conversation.

The police dispatcher recording contains voices saying: "What you need? A 10-pack? You need a 10-pack? All right." Law enforcement says that a "10-pack" is a slang term meaning a bundle of heroin.

Of course, the dispatcher called the police and directed them to the location that Melendez gave. Police found cocaine in his trousers and arrested him for stupidity and possession.

No further information was reported regarding search warrants, Melendez’s Miranda rights, the guys in the Corvette, or his attorney.

The whereabouts of Cheech is still unknown. However, insiders claim that he was last seen loitering about The Mad Frog salsa club in Cincinnati.

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The Demise of Papito the Blue Meanie

During the height of the Beatles’ career their music was banned from Cuban airwaves. Now, the man responsible, Jorge "Papito" Serguera, the former president of the Cuban Institute of Radio and Television during the 1970s, has turned blue and died.

I found out that in private, Mr. Serguera was a closet Beatles listener. Among his favorite tunes that he bought on the black market were “Que noche la de aquel dia, (I Want to Hold Your Hand)” and “Ella le adora (She Loves You).”

He told friends that he “was only following orders” from high-ranking government officials when he banned Beatles music for being a threat to the revolution.

At the time, Papito didn’t like the song, “Yellow Submarine.” When the film came out, which was filled with double entendres, he swore that the Cuban government was being referred to as the "Blue Meanies." Someone played it backwards once, and a bolt of lightning hit the Plaza de la Revolución; further convincing him that the Beatles were a threat.

Papito fought in the 1959 revolution that overthrew the previous dictator, Fulgencio Batista. As a prosecutor, he worked with Ernesto "Che" Guevara and sentenced to death many thousands of Batista supporters.

It is rumored that sometime during the 1980s, Julia Child, who often moonlighted for the U.S. Office of Strategic Services (OSS), went to Cuba, cooked up a mess of pastelitos, and made Castro an offer he couldn’t refuse. As a result, today, all Beatles music can be heard and enjoyed on Cuban airwaves. There is even a statue of John Lennon by José Villa in Lennon Park, Havana, sitting on a park bench eating a pastelito.

Mother of Octuplets Deluged With Book Deals

Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets recently, causing a media frenzy that questioned the twisted application of in vitro fertilization (IVF) technology, her doctor’s poor judgment, and tested her parents' endurance.

The octuplets were born at Kaiser Permanente Bellflower Medical Center in Los Angeles.

Miss Suleman is 33 years old, graduated from Cal State Fullerton with a Bachelor of Science degree in child and adolescent development, but is currently unemployed. She is unmarried and still living with her parents. She already has six children ranging in age from two to seven years old, but went to an IVF clinic and had eight embryos implanted in her uterus, rather than the normal recommended two. It was discovered a few weeks later that all eight embryos survived, which is unusual, but Suleman refused to abort any of the fetuses.

Now, she even has her own child and adolescent development test group, or a new EGGbert cartoon series.

Ed and Angela Suleman, Nadya’s parents, are furious with the media for camping outside their home, encouraging rubberneckers, and making life miserable for them.

According to Nadya’s mother, "she has had all 14 of her children through in vitro fertilization." Angela Suleman is caring for her other six grandchildren while her daughter is in the hospital. However, when Nadya gets home with the octuplets, Angela plans to make like a shepherd and get the flock out of there.

Since Nadya hired a public relations firm, the Killeen Furtney Group, to represent her, she has had a number of multi-million dollar offers, including book deals and appearances, so supporting her large family will not be a problem.

I suppose that that if you can’t sing, dance, act, or become a daredevil motorcyclist; and you want to make millions in the entertainment industry, you can always break an IVF record and have babies.

Google Earth Yields Marijuana Crop

In Zurich, Switzerland, police used Google Earth to uncover a marijuana plantation that was growing inside of a corn field.

Over 1.2 tons of marijuana were seized, along with $780,000 in drug money.

The specialist of Zurich’s narcotics unit, Norbert Klossner, said that 16 people have been arrested in connection with the plantation.

Two farmers in the area allowed the suspects to grow 2 acres of marijuana in their fields. They estimate that approximately seven tons of marijuana were sold between 2004 and 2008, valued at $9 million U.S. dollars.

"It was an interesting chance discovery," said Klossner.

The Google Earth application and software has its drawbacks and is constantly being criticized for being an invasion of privacy, and a threat to national security. It can provide details about military installations that could be maliciously used by terrorists.

I’m not sure if Geraldo Rivera’s name was also on that security list.

Some foreign governments have already developed technology that blocks Google Earth from spying on military installations and marijuana plantations.

It has been reported that The Body Shop Hollywood in California gets more hits than Yankee Stadium, which was considering implementing a per-minute usage charge. Stadium owners were worried that sales of its Premium Offerings would be off because of Google application misuse.

Entrepreneurs are in the process of compiling latitude and longitude charts that list all the locations of open air theatres and nudist camps world-wide. The publication will be a bit pricey, but could be a Price Point offering, with William Shatner spear-heading the advertising campaign.

Super Bowl XLIII - Pittsburgh Steelers Beat Cardinals 27-23

Santonio Holmes could teach ballet lessons after securing the Steelers' record-breaking sixth Super Bowl win over the Arizona Cardinals 27-23. He brought the Steelers to victory by keeping his toes in the end zone during a 6-yard catch with only 35 seconds left in the game. This thrilling play had Steelers’ fans going crazy in the stands.

Those of us at home were sitting on the edge of our seats chugging Budweisers two-at-a-time. Our English Mastiff, Goliath, ran outside looking for a tree trunk to fetch. Upon not finding one, he drug home two axles from an 18-wheeler.

Ironically, this thrilling finish equaled last year’s win over the NY Giants, when Plaxico Burress caught a touch-down pass also with only 35 seconds left in the game.

At $3 million for a 30-second spot, most of the Super Bowl commercials were weird and disappointing, except those presented by Paramount Pictures, FedEx, Garmin, and Budweiser featuring its famous Clydesdales.

Folks living in the Tucson, AZ, area were exposed to a 30-second porn interruption during the last few minutes of the game. The cable company, Philadelphia-based Comcast, issued an apology saying it is "mortified" by the incident and claims that the broadcast interruption was an "isolated malicious act."

Overall, it was a very exciting Super Bowl!

Taps and a Three-Gun Salute for Centerville Commode

Photo credit: Centerville, Utah, Police Department

Today, a murdered toilet will be laid to rest in Centerville, Utah. It is survived by one urinal and a sink at Carl’s Jr. Restaurant, 385 N. 800 West.

The perpetrator is an unnamed 26-year-old, who was carrying a registered concealed .40 caliber Kahr P40 handgun. He went into the bathroom wearing the handgun holstered inside of his pants.

The perp claims that it was an accidental shooting, as he suffered minor injuries to an arm from commode shards.

"While pulling his pants up the gun fell out of the holster, striking the tile floor," Centerville Police Lt. Paul Child said. "When the gun hit the floor, it went off, and the bullet struck the toilet, shattering it and sending sharp pieces of porcelain flying."

"In this case it appears that the accident would have been prevented if the man had used a secure holster," Child added. "A good quality firearm also should not fire if it is dropped."

One other customer, who was scared shitless, was treated at the scene.

Carl’s Jr. employees and customers will hold the funeral service today for the famous commode. A spokesperson says, “Our thoughts go out to the surviving men’s room urinal and porcelain sink.”

Fifty attendees will receive Kaboom Bowl Blaster toilet cleaner. Employees say that it was the commode’s favorite cleaner.

“It was such a shame,” said Carl’s Jr. manager, Christian Martinez. “We have received e-mails and cards from all over the country expressing condolences for our loss.”

A distraught customer left this sentiment on the wall inside the now empty stall:

"Johnny commode will be remembered by many today after this tragic gun accident that cut his life of service short, his grandfather, Bill Outhouse had dreams of Johnny one day taking over the family out house, but Johnny had bigger dreams of going full flush. Ed Urinal a long time rest room associate who handled a lot of Johnny's over flow on busy days said he always had a good word for everyone, he called me a ‘stand up guy'. We will miss him; I just hope we don't get one of those uppity auto flush commodes to replace him. Johnny always welcomed folks to sit a spell, read the sports page, make cell phone calls and sneak a quick smoke, he saw a lot of strange things over the years in his stall, but his motto 'what goes on in this stall stays in his stall' will be quietly appreciated by many who knew of Johnny's don't ask don't tell policy. Johnny wouldn't want anyone to be sad for him, he always said 'it happens.”

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