Tuesday, February 9, 2010

A Valentine From Jenny

It all started when a UFO from the Planet Tequila landed along the Appalachian Trail last Father’s Day weekend. It held Governor Sanford hostage for four days…

There once was a promising career.
Shot to hell with a fib and cold beer.
The story? Appalachian Trail.
But really? Buenos Aires quail,
campaign staffers: “save old buccaneer!”

Media insiders are speculating that ABC’s Lost will be replaced with a modern version of Dinosaurs based on a true southern story and newly released book that should have been titled “Not the Hoochie Mama.”

The actual story is explained in painful detail by Jenny Sanford herself in “Staying True.” The book is ironically released just in time to wish her estranged husband, Governor Mark Sanford, a Happy Valentine’s Day. He can buy a copy at Amazon.com, if he is willing to spring for the $25.00. Of course, used copies will be available as early as next week.

Jenny was interviewed by Jon Stewart on the The Daily Show. He asked her what she missed most about living in the Governor’s Mansion in South Carolina, and she responded “The inmates washing my dogs.”

In South Carolina, the Department of Corrections has a work program for minimum security prisoners, guaranteeing the Governor free slaves. I can’t wait to hear the comments from the NAACP, CORE, COFO, SNCC, SCLC, MFDP, Glenn Beck, and Bill O’Reilly. However, that is another story about the presidency, budget, and Abraham Lincoln.

As Jenny describes it, the marriage between Mark and Jenny was doomed from the start. She should have seen it coming when they were dating. Apparently, just after they met, Mark invited her to spend a weekend at the family farm. He left a car with a standard transmission at the airport for her. It contained a road atlas on the passenger seat, and driving directions.

She did not know how to drive a stick shift, but he made no effort to pick her up. So she burned out the bushing in the car and bucked her way out to the farm. This set the mood for a great romantic weekend, right?

Next came the nuptials, where Mark inked out all references to “fidelity” in the marriage vows, just before the ceremony.

Then, the children started to come along and he refused to attend Lamaze classes. He told Jenny that he equated his son’s births to birthing cows. What a jerk, right?

She had a Congressional aide always remind him when it was her birthday and Mark began sending her paper images of gifts, replacing them later with cheap used goods. He also returned a diamond necklace because it cost too much.

After he dropped the bomb on national and international news about his affair in Argentina, he phoned home and actually asked her “How did I do?”

Jenny resisted using profanity, so she left, and summarized all of her feelings in this book.

Maybe she should have titled it “Cad to the End”?

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Jenny Sanford
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1 comment:

Deanna - The Unnatural Mother said...

Wow, that is truly unbelievable, love your book title, very fitting!