Juicing the Fiscal Cliff

by Rose A. Valenta

"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself." ~ Mark Twain

The President has been working hard trying to get Democrats and Republicans to come to an agreement to avert the fiscal cliff. It wasn’t until Biden showed up with a bipartisan punch bowl, a keg of Blue Moon and White House Brew on New Year’s Eve that they finally reached an agreement.

He got Eric Cantor trashed first, then Nancy Pelosi and John Boehner until they reached a tentative vote, as Brendan Buck was picking Boehner up off the floor.

Rep. Henry Waxman (D., Calif.) said "the president gave up a lot; more than I would have liked, but I can understand what we're dealing with and I'll probably vote for it, hic!"

Just then, BO got a text message from MO in Hawaii, "Take your time, here comes Honey Boo Boo."

"I wish I could say this was a proud moment," said Rep. Darrell Issa (R., Calif.), "but it is the smallest finger in a dike that has in fact a hundred holes in it. Much like Biden’s keg." Nancy Pelosi didn’t exactly know what was in it either.

The Senate cleared the package with an 89-8 vote about 2:00 AM EST on Tuesday after President Obama broke out the Scotch whiskey (Boehner's favorite).

At 2:01 AM, Harry Reid injured his face trying to open a warm bottle of champagne that his pet, Coons, gave him because he thought drinking the White House ale was "tacky."

The House convened at noon on New Year's Day, but everyone was so hung over, they couldn’t say when they would debate the budget deal.

Then, Nancy found a dance partner and everyone decided to reconvene on Thursday with the 113th Congress. Nancy instructed staffers to launch a Photoshop app called "You Go, Girlfriend!" for the official photo as a Just-in-Case (JIC) strategy to paste in members, who couldn't show up on time.

IF PLATO TWEETED: A TECHNO-DEFENSE OF SOCRATES

by Ed Tasca

@Platothephilosopher
None wiser than Socrates. The Oracle said so. He’s in danger. I need your help.

@ChaerephonCherrie
I’m heading to my mother’s for lunch.

@Platothephilosopher
Our great teacher could be facing a death sentence. For accusations of impiety.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Tell him to shave his beard and dress conservatively.

@Platothephilosopher
True wisdom belongs to the gods, he says. Human wisdom has little value. This is an attempt to show humility and virtue. Is that impiety?

@ChaerephonCherrie
I might come if I catch up on my txting.

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
I’m at the agora. I’m stuck behind another Dionysian parade.

@olympusrules_Meletus
U go to Glucosamine’s party last nite?

@Platothephilosopher
Meletus, you were the one who brought the charges against our great teacher. And all you care about is Glucosamine’s party?

@olympusrules_Meletus
Plato, my inbox is on overload! Give it a rest!

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
Meletus, Glucosamine had a zoo there. I don’t mean his theatre friends. He had a real zoo. Snakes, wild boar, monkeys. The bomb!

@Platothephilosopher
Meletus, please reconsider your “corruption of youth” charge. You asked Socrates if there was a Zeus.

@olympusrules_Meletus
He said there’s no scientific evidence there’s a Zeus. I said then who crtd the universe? As usual, he answered with a ?: Who the hell knows?

@Platothephilosopher
That’s not corruption of youth! And he didn’t say, “Who the hell knows?”

@olympusrules_Meletus
Maybe I was just pissed at him answering questions with another gd question!!!

@Platothephilosopher
Where’s Chaerephon on this?

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
His server’s out.

@olympusrules_Meletus
Socrates is an atheist. I testified as much. Did my duty 4 the good of the state.

@Platothephilosopher
Meletus, you admitted Socrates taught you to believe in spiritual guidance. How could he be an atheist?

@olympusrules_Meletus
We worshipped Dionysus together!! Got totally pissed. That was my spiritual guidance!

@Platothephilosopher
Your accusations about Socrates are contradictory.

@olympusrules_Meletus
It’s not a contradiction. An atheist can still mouth things spiritual. Look at every politician!

@Platothephilosopher
Socrates is not afraid of death. He will die to make his point to the court.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
What’s wrong with just an “objection?” *s*

@olympusrules_Meletus
Who saw Phidias’s new nude? Hot! He says it’s Aphrodite. Come on, it’s the spittin’ image of Analgesia, the waitress at Sons of Helen bistro.

@Platothephilosopher
Meletus, we’re talking about a man’s life here. A life devoted to searching for the truth.

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
That hairy old bastard.

@Platothephilosopher
Prostatitis, have a little respect. The man’s in the throes of despair.

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
I was talking about Phidias.

@olympusrules_Meletus
Tell him plea bargain. So he goes to Sicily. Yeah, there’s Etna and racketeering. But it’s better than the alternative.#sicilycenteroftheworld

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
Twalking: Dionysian parade getng bigger, crazier. I’m stopng 4 eggs. Scrambled with chopped olives! I love it. Meet me. Whoever.

@Platothephilosopher
Socrates has said we who fear death show our ignorance. Death may be a great blessing. It’s time to demonstrate that personal courage isn’t fu

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
What’s “fu?” What the hll r u talkng about?

@olympusrules_Meletus
You know what? Personal courage is a humongous f.u. when you wind up with a hemlock cocktail.

@Platothephilosopher
Futile. Futile! I was saying Futile in the face of sophism.

@olympusrules_Meletus
If death’s so great, y does everybody pay any quack any amount of $ to cure them of every phlegm and heartburn?

@Platothephilosopher
@olympusrules_Meletus, you’re the impious one, you and Aristophanes. You’re the ones corrupting Athenian youth with your slander and your sarc

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Sarc? For Olympus’s sake, Plato, learn how to tweet. All ur tweets are 2 long and don’t make sense.

@Platothephilospher
I’m sorry for my intrusive literacy. But a stark 142 character communiqué is a fey child’s game, inadequate to persuade foolish youths to do

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
To do what??

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
I made it to the Sons of Helen bistro. Analgesia, that waitress, isn’t here. Phidias must’ve paid her big time. I want to be a sculptor.

@ChaerephonCherrie
I’m back.

@Platothephilosopher
Chaerephon, Will you join me in defense of Socrates?

@ChaerephonCherrie
U still at it? This disrespecting the Gods thing-don’t want 2 b involved. Who they gonna charge next? I like all the gods, goddesses, demigods

@olympusrules_Meletus
Who’s ur favorite?

@ChaerephonCherrie
I’m not done. I like the Fates, the Muses, the Graces, those centaur things, all the nymphs: the Dryades, the Nereides, the Oreiades, who else

@olympusrules_Meletus
Cherrie, calm down!

@ChaerephonCherrie
The Maliades, the Alseides, the Lampades. I’m not corrupted!!! I want that on record. Who’d I leave out?

@olympusrules_Meletus
The Meliai, nymphs of the ash trees.

@ChaerephonCherrie
We have nymphs in our ash trees?

@olympusrules_Meletus
We have nymphs everywhere! Except in my bedroom!

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
For me it’s btwn Artemis when she’s not PO’d, and Zeus, especially when he morphs into animals and screws babes all over the archipelago.

@Platothephilosopher
Socrates has no favorites. He says we learn moral goodness and truth from ALL the immortals.

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
I’m signing off. I’m getting lunch. And then I have to walk my dog. Tip: follow Glucosamine #FF. He’s funny and he knows when to twitter off

@olympusrules_Meletus
Epicurus Don’t sign off. Tell Glucosamine I want an invite 2 next bash. TMB

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Lysistrata Dress Rehearsal. Comp tickets 4 2N!

@olympusrules_Meletus
Fab! I’m going!

@Platothephilosopher
Aristophanes, join me at the courthouse, please. Many follow you.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
I’m at the theatre. Lysistrata looks like a hit.

@Platothephilosopher
Let me tell you what Socrates is saying about acquiring virtue.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Screw Socrates. Who gives a s__t what he’s saying about acquiring virtue. My inbox is on overload with this Socrates crap!!!!

@ChaerephonCherrie
That’s how MY server went down!

@Platothephilosopher
Aristophanes, come to the court before the show. They will come if you do.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
I have to do a costume change. Lysistrata is wearing something that looks like it was torn off a Roman whore.

@olympusrules_Meletus
OMG! I just found a great place selling figs. 2 drachmae and u fill a basket. Agora_n.w.corner.com

@Platothephilosopher
I’ve arrived at the court. Socrates says he’s a misunderstood benefactor to Athens, not an enemy! As such he should be given free meals, if we

@olympusrules_Meletus
If we what???

@ChaerephonCherrie
My server went out again. What’s going on? I’m at my mother’s. She made my fav, Spanakopita. YUM! Recipe@Cherrieblog.com

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
I’m back! Is Plato done? I’m not following him anymore. Glucosamine’s, next full moon.

@Platothephilosopher
STOP. Socrates has an idea. He suggests he just pay a fine of 100 drachmae. As he has little funds of his own, I say we all chip in, let’s say

@olympusrules_Meletus
LOL. LOL. LOL.

~~~
This week’s guest columnist, Ed Tasca, Lives in Ajijic, Mexico. He is originally from Philadelphia, PA, and has authored six works of fiction. Ed writes a humor column for Ojo del Lago, Mexico’s largest English language magazine.

Ed is the grand prize winner in the 2011 Screenplay Search Competition. Winner of the prestigious Robert Benchley Society Humor Award for 2009. Also winner of humorpress.com awards, M. Culbertson’s Life and Humor Award, Ojo del Lago Award for Humor. Humor essays have appeared in publications in the U.S., Canada, England, Italy and Mexico. Anthologized in: American’s Funniest Humor, 2006, Laugh Your Shorts Off, 2009. Provides an explanation of the vast influence of Robert Benchley in a new edition of Robert Benchley’s humor essays.

Sitting on Cold Porcelain

by Rose A. Valenta

It’s been a difficult day at the office and you're exhausted. Your eyes hurt from working on a computer all day, not to mention the crimp in your neck and back, and sore Maxine (escape key) finger.

You turn on the evening news to find out that all sorts of crazy things are happening in our world. Terrorists are trying to kill us, our Vice President made another gaffe at an important event, our political pundits are calling for impeachment, a famous designer has introduced a line of bullet-proof clothing, another politician has gotten himself involved in a sex scandal, PETA is making yet another smoker ad, a scientist wants to give Galileo a posthumous eye test on a stimulus grant, and the term “Brangelina” now refers to a gay variety show at the Boston Roxy; you know that because your 10-year-old grandson told you.

You try to find out if your v-chip works for news programming, as the kids are doing homework in front of the TV. They are not asking about protractors and math manipulatives.

You could describe the way you feel as “punch drunk,” only there are no Marquess of Queensberry rules here.

You get into bed feeling warm and cozy; your significant other is snoring loudly at your side. Icicles are forming outside. You fluff your pillows, turn on the heating blanket, set the alarm, and insert the ear-plugs - all is right with your world.

Then, at around 3:00 am, at the very beginning of your crucial Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep (the three-hour sound sleep window that keeps people from going crazy), you begin dreaming about soaking in a hot tub, you wake up suddenly before you pee yourself, make a mad dash into the bathroom, quickly squat, and find yourself - sitting on cold porcelain.

Realizing that the culprit is still sleeping soundly in the next room, totally unaware of your predicament, and probably dreaming about lunch with the guys at Hooters, you scream loudly, as if to wake up the dead or at least that slug stuck in a salt ring.

He comes running into the bathroom, completely naked and wild-eyed with a Colt 45, ready to protect his damsel in distress. He looks around quickly like a buck protecting his turf. He almost pees on the wall to mark it; then, he looks down and spots a puddle of water and his damsel, who is stuck in the commode.

You, his damsel, begin to spew a Dennis Miller monologue, worse than anything he has ever heard on the O'Reilly Factor, he aims, and you karate chop him. The weapon falls into the commode. It can't rust, so he stays up for an hour cleaning it out and oiling it. You are still beating his ear an hour into REM sleep. Both of you are red-eyed, resembling vampires. You go back to bed. There is still an hour left.

No, this is not a sneak preview of the next Super Bowl prize-winning GEICO caveman commercial. Some people call it Murphy's Law every time things go wrong. I feel justified calling it "Sitting on Cold Porcelain."

Click here to order it for $2.99 (less than a gallon of gas) at SMASHWORDS, in all digital formats: Kindle, Nook, eBook, Sony, PDF, etc.

You really don't want to miss reading this book.

Will There Ever be a SLPGA Tour?

by Rose A. Valenta

Augusta National Golf Club - Wiki


While my colleague, Alan Zweibel, is getting stumped about his status as a "funny old jew" in “I'm a what?”, which was requested by someone, who was probably influenced by Willie Wonka’s Black Mozart Sparkler recipe, I’ve been reading more from my friend Gina Barreca (@theginabarreca) about women feeling like fish out of water and wondering why we are still not allowed to join Augusta National Golf Club. God knows that we women golfers have the kahones to sign up, right?

Also, in my quest to figure out why clocks run clockwise, I was wondering why is there no such thing as a Senior Ladies Professional Golf Association (SLPGA) tour? After all, there are SPGA championships for men like Fuzzy Zoeller, who can still find the green and the hole. What will great golfers like Annika Sorenstam and Se Ri Pak be able to do when they reach Nancy Lopez’ age and get a little fuzzy?

I want to join Augusta when I retire and have the time to play golf. I want the sheer pleasure of putting a flowering peach divot in the middle of the hole #3 fairway because I can; play, rather than paint the 13th hole; say a little prayer for Martha Burk in Amen Corner; climb the Eisenhower Tree; Jump into Record Fountain (with my clothes on) for getting a hole-in-one; eat a hamburger in the same room as Warren Buffett; and discuss my first difficult billion dollars with T. Boone Pickens, Jr.

No more of these age discrimination requests, double standards for golfers, and totally uncool vanilla flavored whey protein drinks. I like blueberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and mango.

▪

To order my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” for $2.99 (less than a gallon of gas) click here SMASHWORDS, it is in all digital formats: Kindle, Nook, eBook, Sony, PDF, etc.

Also follow me on Twitter: @rosevalenta
and Facebook: Rose A. Valenta

Bust of Politician Crafted From Cow Dung

by Rose A. Valenta

Both of the upcoming Democratic and Republican National Conventions cause me to reflect on an artist in New Zealand, who figured out the answer to this question - How does one create a sculpture of a politician, who is full of crap?

Most politicians are. You can tell by their suspicious reactions, evasive behavior, and all the negative campaign ads that we taxpayers have had to tolerate over the last year. Add a lot of media fuel to the fire and it is down-right disgusting fodder.

That is the problem artist, Sam Mahon, solved by himself when he created the artwork for an upcoming auction. We need more people like him in America.

Mahon was upset with the former New Zealand Environmental Minister, Nick Smith, for being too lenient with local dairy farmers regarding pollution. So, he gathered cow dung from the farmer’s land, ground it, added resin and created a mold in which he pressed the combined mixture into a bust of Minister Smith. He polished it off with an outer coating of beeswax, so it wouldn’t smell.

"The sculpture has a hollow head, which is very fitting. It is highly polished and sits on the stand slightly to the right of center," the artist told reporters. "Excuse the pun, but I would describe it as crap art," he added.

The sculpture generated 112 bids on a local auction website and raised $2,220.00 ($3,080NZ).

Mahon said that he will use the proceeds to clean up waterways that have been polluted with sludge from the dairy farms near his home.

In America, we would use only bullshit.

▪

To order my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” for $2.99 (less than a gallon of gas) click here SMASHWORDS, it is in all digital formats: Kindle, Nook, eBook, Sony, PDF, etc.

Also follow me on Twitter: @rosevalenta
and Facebook: Rose A. Valenta

This Week at Stupid Ass Questions

Image Copyright: Stupidassquestions.com, all rights reserved

This week I am the guest comedienne at Stupid Ass Questions

If you have any stupid ass questions, you can submit them on the website. I will be answering one each day, Monday to Friday. I know you have a few brilliant questions up your sleeve, so go for it!

Also follow me on Twitter: @rosevalenta
and Facebook: Rose A. Valenta

Have fun!
Rosie

July Fourth Weekend: Freedom From Stress

by Rose A. Valenta

Why would anyone want to get into this mess on their day off?


News stories are cropping up all over the Internet about the fluxuation in the price of gasoline and how people are scaling back on trips and vacations for economic reasons. This weekend thousands of folks will be hitting the shore thinking that they have economized by not going to some exotic place like Hawaii or Aruba.

Why go anywhere?

Maybe it was my upbringing or being married to a Philadelphia Policeman for 20 years, who usually had to work on holidays, but I have gotten rather used to avoiding mob scenes and traffic as much as possible. Finances have very little to do with that. I even go to the supermarket during off-peak hours, who needs the lines and the stress? I can buy hot dog and hamburger buns more efficiently at 10:00 PM and there will only be one person ahead of me at check out.

Every day, I travel to the office for an hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic. I have a whole audio book collection to relieve the stress. Public radio doesn’t broadcast the good shows like Garrison Keillor, Car Talk, and You Bet Your Garden during rush hour, shame on them. So, I pop in an audio book and listen to great American history novels like Having Our Say: The Delany Sisters’ First 100 Years, or the entire Earth’s Children Series in 21 Days and enjoy myself.

One day, I was laughing so hard at a remark Bessie Delany said about some smelly drunken white guy (my sentiments exactly), that tears were rolling down my face as I paid the toll on the Turnpike.

“You Okay today?” the guy asked.

“Yeah, I’m glad I’m not riding Bessie's train,” I answered.

He laughed and looked at me over the top of his trifocales (cash, cars, and 18-wheelers) checking my pupils and the back seat for drugs.

Another day, I was listening to motivational speaker, Loretta LaRoche’s “Lighten Up,” where she tells people to chill and feel juicy.

“How are you today?” the same toll taker asked.

“I feel juicy!” I responded.

A few minutes later, not being quite sure if my remark could be misconstrued as sexual harassment, I glanced in my rear-view mirror checking for troopers.

When my husband was on active duty, we usually celebrated holidays on his days off. Our schedule was far from normal. Sometimes, we celebrated July 4th on the 9th, Labor Day the weekend after, but every four years, we managed to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas when everyone else did. People wondered why I would cook a turkey on the Saturday following the holiday.

“Are you Jehovah’s Witness?”

“Didn’t you get enough last week?” they would ask.

Long story short, I rather liked missing all the holiday traffic and crowds; my husband’s dangerous job had its perks after all.

Many people don't understand this because most women don't send their husband off to work with a brief case full of directives, handcuffs, and a .38 caliber handgun; hoping he doesn't end up in the ER before dinner is ready and the smoke detector sets off the fire alarm.

This week, even though my husband is no longer on active duty, we decided to stay home, rest, and watch TV. He always likes to put the traffic report on and say a prayer of thanks that we are not in the middle of the mess trying to remain calm with St. Joseph's Wort, Snapple, and an audio edition of Dave Barry. It is sort of our way of celebrating the Declaration of Independence away from tourism and insanity. They broadcast fireworks on cable and I have a CD with Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overature. I can mute the TV and combine the two. Plus, I'm thankful to have him home safe.

This year, we bought sparklers to take to the Grandchildren on July 8th and we are having a family cookout without the stress of holiday traffic.

God Bless America and happy July 4th weekend everyone!

© 2012, Valenta, All rights reserved.
To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here