Juicing the Fiscal Cliff

by Rose A. Valenta

"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself." ~ Mark Twain

The President has been working hard trying to get Democrats and Republicans to come to an agreement to avert the fiscal cliff. It wasn’t until Biden showed up with a bipartisan punch bowl, a keg of Blue Moon and White House Brew on New Year’s Eve that they finally reached an agreement.

He got Eric Cantor trashed first, then Nancy Pelosi and John Boehner until they reached a tentative vote, as Brendan Buck was picking Boehner up off the floor.

Rep. Henry Waxman (D., Calif.) said "the president gave up a lot; more than I would have liked, but I can understand what we're dealing with and I'll probably vote for it, hic!"

Just then, BO got a text message from MO in Hawaii, "Take your time, here comes Honey Boo Boo."

"I wish I could say this was a proud moment," said Rep. Darrell Issa (R., Calif.), "but it is the smallest finger in a dike that has in fact a hundred holes in it. Much like Biden’s keg." Nancy Pelosi didn’t exactly know what was in it either.

The Senate cleared the package with an 89-8 vote about 2:00 AM EST on Tuesday after President Obama broke out the Scotch whiskey (Boehner's favorite).

At 2:01 AM, Harry Reid injured his face trying to open a warm bottle of champagne that his pet, Coons, gave him because he thought drinking the White House ale was "tacky."

The House convened at noon on New Year's Day, but everyone was so hung over, they couldn’t say when they would debate the budget deal.

Then, Nancy found a dance partner and everyone decided to reconvene on Thursday with the 113th Congress. Nancy instructed staffers to launch a Photoshop app called "You Go, Girlfriend!" for the official photo as a Just-in-Case (JIC) strategy to paste in members, who couldn't show up on time.