Thursday, May 19, 2011

Real Flak From The Patty Baena Affair

"Bless me father for I have sinned. Last night, my husband and I were watching an x-rated video together, when he hit the remote to watch Neil Cavuto for a few minutes. Cavuto was discussing Arnold Schwarzenegger. I looked at my husband. His face turned beat-red. So, I flushed all the Cialis down the toilet and set the bedroom on fire." ~ Mary Frances O'Leary

After the fire engines left my friend Mary Frances’ house, she told me in confidence what had happened.

“But, what did he do?” I asked.

“Nothing actually, he just looked guilty… and then the fight started,” she said. “I have to go to confession.”

Thank you, Arnold Schwarzenegger. You have just screwed up the love life of some of my best friends. Mary and Patrick O’Leary have been married 30 years. YOU should have to listen to all the fallout!

The insurance adjuster showed up the next morning as Mary, our friend Helen, and I were discussing the situation over Mimosas in her kitchen.

“How did you say this happened?” He asked.

“A scented candle tipped over in LA...er...I mean my bedroom, when I had to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to my husband, who was in the next room watching Fox News.” Mary responded.

He panned all of us sitting at the table and the bottle of wine. “Where is Mr. O’Leary?” He asked.

“He’s over at the incinerator with Father Murphy saying an Act of Contrition and burning his porn collection.”

After the adjuster left, we started Googling all the news about Schwarzenegger, while consoling our friend.

“I think a shrink would call this ‘reaction formation,’ Mary.” Helen said. “Did you always have the hots for Arnold?”

“No, it wasn’t that,” she insisted. “Patrick just looked guilty. I know that it’s profiling and he should be considered innocent, but I kept thinking about the time last year, when I hired Frieda on The Spot to clean our house for Judy’s wedding. I was at work.”

“That’s called jumping to conclusions,” I said. “It would never hold up in court.”

“The house was spotless. Servicing the help didn’t even enter my mind, until last night.”

Helen was pensive and half shot already. “Isn’t Frieda’s closed now? Someone said that she was an illegal alien.”

“Yes, and Patrick would never do a thing like that. He supported Arizona SB1070. I mean, if he was going to sleep with her, he would have asked to see her papers. What have I done?”

“Here ya go!” Helen said. “This is why Frieda left. They had a hidden camera in the bathroom. You guys should just stop watching Neil Cavuto during sex.”




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Pick up my book, “Sitting on Cold Porcelain,” at SMASHWORDS.COM

2 comments:

MarryMead said...

I loved it! Your character interaction is hilarious. And yes, I am bitter.

Rose A. Valenta said...

Thank you!