Monday Monologue

by Rose A. Valenta

Exciting events and headlines for this past week include the White House Correspondents' Dinner, more Hillary bashing and reports about the 1%.

I know, meh!

Just the headlines remind me of a Tony Soprano quote "Let me tell ya something. Nowadays, everybody's gotta go to shrinks, and counselors, and go on "Sally Jessy Raphael" and talk about their problems. What happened to Gary Cooper? The strong, silent type. That was an American. He wasn't in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do. See, what they didn't know was once they got Gary Cooper in touch with his feelings that they wouldn't be able to shut him up! And then it's dysfunction this, and dysfunction that, and dysfunction vaffancul!"

The skinny as follows:

The Clinton Foundation says it accurately reported the total donations on its tax forms; but needs to amend some returns because all those government grants got mixed in with other donations. Luther, Obama’s anger translator, is pissed.

Obama, while preparing for the White House Correspondents' Dinner, sent a quick email to Josh Ernest asking if the Clintons would be there. Josh said “Bucket.”

Obama upstaged the SNL comic at the Nerd Prom. Lorne Michaels even approached him afterwards, with a bucket idea: a new show called "Hissy Fit."

Cecily Strong told journalists at the Nerd Prom not to criticize Hillary's wardrobe; it is, considering all the derailments, the Emperor's new clothes.

Hillary Clinton was a no-show at the annual South Carolina Democratic convention. The head of the five families was not surprised, he was still waiting for his cut.

A Bugatti and Ferrari had a multi-million dollar fender bender at a posh Paris hotel. Who are these people? Inquiring KIAs want to know.

Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her 89th birthday by beating her Royal Protection Officers at Mixed Nuts and the "Older Than Dirt Quiz."

Adam Sandler is now known in Apache as "Him Not Mel Brooks," after half the extras walked off the set of "The Ridiculous Six." What, they were blindfolded when they signed up, no script preview?

Robert Downey Jr. walked out of an interview with a British journalist. Adam Sandler just stood up and pissed while smoking a peace pipe.

The Ambulance Chaser Association, comprised of 47 lawyers, sent a letter to Judge Napolitano asking “if Hillary loses the election, can she seek punitive damages from the right-wing media?"

A Police academy seeks guidance from the DOJ in the form of a Directive for the proper procedure to pull over drones.

People Who Like Grilled Cheese Sandwiches Have More Sex, Says a New Survey. Well, yeah!

New pictures of Kim Jong Un using a cane raise more questions. Un is 5’ 1” tall. Dennis Rodman, who is 6’ 7”, swears he did not use him in a “continuous pick & roll” basketball play.

Marco Rubio Jumps to the Head of the GOP Pack. The cheese stands alone.

Former CIA Director, David Petraeus, was sentenced this week for leaking military secrets to his woman. In the Clinton camp, the Energizer swears she never had access to Hillary's email server. Her joy stick, maybe.

Bruce Jenner told Diane Sawyer "I am a woman." The general consensus on Facebook is the Kardashians have screwed up his mind.

© 2010-2015, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Monday Monologue

by Rose A. Valenta

All you need to do for a good laugh sometimes, is pick up a newspaper or Google the news. Last week was exciting, especially now that presidential candidates are coming out of the woodwork. Headlines include the following:

Hillary failed to discuss her policies with the small businesses in Iowa. Nancy Pelosi said "Vote for her to see what is in them."

Stephen Hawking sings “Galaxy Song” from Monty Python in his new music video. He says Hillary should watch "America Rising."

Hillary kicks off 2016 campaign with "guiding principles." No more hiding classified data repositories in Harlem heads the list.

After a terrible campaign launch, Hillary Clinton in her gyrocopter makes a desperate attempt to get into the White House.

Hillary's van is owned by the Secret Service and supported by US taxpayers. It was the only one on the fleet with bed and bar. Bill had the other one.

Donald Sterling's ex-mistress must pay his wife back for the $2.6 million in gifts he gave her. She gets to keep the $12 moth eaten thong. Say, can Shelly Sterling run for POTUS on the gender ticket?

Hillary dined unrecognized at a Chipotle. The Pope said it's her greatest achievement and is rooting for her to go out for pizza next time.

A Secret Service officer was arrested in DC on a burglary charge. Bill reported one of his hookers went missing.

Things have gotten so corrupt at the DOJ, neighbors near Lake View Cemetery in Cleveland, OH, heard Eliot Ness rolling a 10-pin.

Reddit reports the most difficult English word to say is "Worcestershire" (sauce). The Amish make it easy, they just say "Whatsthatthere sauce."

A Brooklyn woman used Facebook to serve divorce papers. Says she "poked" him a few times, but he was too busy playing Candy Crush.

North Korea is recruiting women to join a "pleasure squad" for Kim Jong Un. In the West, it's known as "F Troop."

Google reports that a billion simultaneous users have crashed Google Earth looking for Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, in the Scottish Highlands.

Scientists announce a newly discovered frog that looks like Kermit. The producers of "Who Do You Think You Are?" have signed Kermit for a 2015 episode.

Construction workers in the Guandong province of China, found 48 fossilized dinosaur eggs. Japanese scientists say it proves Godzilla was a womanizer.

© 2010-2015, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here