Will There Ever be a SLPGA Tour?

by Rose A. Valenta

Augusta National Golf Club - Wiki


While my colleague, Alan Zweibel, is getting stumped about his status as a "funny old jew" in “I'm a what?”, which was requested by someone, who was probably influenced by Willie Wonka’s Black Mozart Sparkler recipe, I’ve been reading more from my friend Gina Barreca (@theginabarreca) about women feeling like fish out of water and wondering why we are still not allowed to join Augusta National Golf Club. God knows that we women golfers have the kahones to sign up, right?

Also, in my quest to figure out why clocks run clockwise, I was wondering why is there no such thing as a Senior Ladies Professional Golf Association (SLPGA) tour? After all, there are SPGA championships for men like Fuzzy Zoeller, who can still find the green and the hole. What will great golfers like Annika Sorenstam and Se Ri Pak be able to do when they reach Nancy Lopez’ age and get a little fuzzy?

I want to join Augusta when I retire and have the time to play golf. I want the sheer pleasure of putting a flowering peach divot in the middle of the hole #3 fairway because I can; play, rather than paint the 13th hole; say a little prayer for Martha Burk in Amen Corner; climb the Eisenhower Tree; Jump into Record Fountain (with my clothes on) for getting a hole-in-one; eat a hamburger in the same room as Warren Buffett; and discuss my first difficult billion dollars with T. Boone Pickens, Jr.

No more of these age discrimination requests, double standards for golfers, and totally uncool vanilla flavored whey protein drinks. I like blueberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and mango.

▪

To order my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” for $2.99 (less than a gallon of gas) click here SMASHWORDS, it is in all digital formats: Kindle, Nook, eBook, Sony, PDF, etc.

Also follow me on Twitter: @rosevalenta
and Facebook: Rose A. Valenta

Bust of Politician Crafted From Cow Dung

by Rose A. Valenta

Both of the upcoming Democratic and Republican National Conventions cause me to reflect on an artist in New Zealand, who figured out the answer to this question - How does one create a sculpture of a politician, who is full of crap?

Most politicians are. You can tell by their suspicious reactions, evasive behavior, and all the negative campaign ads that we taxpayers have had to tolerate over the last year. Add a lot of media fuel to the fire and it is down-right disgusting fodder.

That is the problem artist, Sam Mahon, solved by himself when he created the artwork for an upcoming auction. We need more people like him in America.

Mahon was upset with the former New Zealand Environmental Minister, Nick Smith, for being too lenient with local dairy farmers regarding pollution. So, he gathered cow dung from the farmer’s land, ground it, added resin and created a mold in which he pressed the combined mixture into a bust of Minister Smith. He polished it off with an outer coating of beeswax, so it wouldn’t smell.

"The sculpture has a hollow head, which is very fitting. It is highly polished and sits on the stand slightly to the right of center," the artist told reporters. "Excuse the pun, but I would describe it as crap art," he added.

The sculpture generated 112 bids on a local auction website and raised $2,220.00 ($3,080NZ).

Mahon said that he will use the proceeds to clean up waterways that have been polluted with sludge from the dairy farms near his home.

In America, we would use only bullshit.

▪

To order my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” for $2.99 (less than a gallon of gas) click here SMASHWORDS, it is in all digital formats: Kindle, Nook, eBook, Sony, PDF, etc.

Also follow me on Twitter: @rosevalenta
and Facebook: Rose A. Valenta