How Not to Sweat the Small Stuff

By Rose A. Valenta

Uncle Harry was in his yard cussing out the local geese that had left their greetings on his patio right next to his favorite morning coffee chair. He stepped on one of them in his bare feet and yelled “Oh, horsesh*t!” while losing half of his espresso. If I was VanGogh, I could name the color combination of goose logs mixed with espresso a “happy sienna” that matched the wicker furniture; so, not to worry, it was still in keeping with Harry’s idea of Feng Shui.

“I don’t think that’s what it is, Harry, or you would be feeling lucky in between your toes and out buying Powerball tickets.” I smiled. I always get sadistic pleasure watching Harry lose his temper before breakfast. It makes my day.

“Why isn’t it goose season?” He complained. “I’m going to get those sumbitches with my 12-gauge on opening day.”

“Consider yourself lucky,” I said. “There’s a cobra loose in the Bronx this morning. They already have Judge Napolitano profiling him and discussing his rights. He is charmed by listening to Endgame and Deadlies, hates Foo Fighters.”

“I don’t want to hear your ‘sweating small stuff’ lecture this morning,” he said, handing me a paper towel smeared with happy sienna.

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Don’t sweat it,” he said. “Say, do cobras eat geese?”

“No, but the snake could serve as your hit man for at least five of them.”

“Awww, they'll probably catch him after he bites somebody in the ass on the #2 train. So, what else is new?”

“Charlie Sheen is bringing ‘warlock napalm’ on Denise Richards via Twitter this morning, and Ed Bassmaster is running for President on YouTube.”

“What’s his platform?”

“Well, will you look at that?” I answered.

“Look at what?”

“Just look at it.” I said.

“I’ve seen goose turds before, you’re not funny”

“Just look at it.”

“If you say that one more time, I’m going to have to hurt you,” he said.

I had my laptop on the patio and quickly looked Ed up on YouTube. He was out campaigning. He wasn’t kissing babies. I turned it around, so Harry could see for himself. “Just look at it!“ I said, while I turned up the volume and ducked.

© 2011, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Video © 2010-11, Ed Bassmaster

When the Whistle Blows it’s Abercrombie and Fitch

Making headlines this week are Prince William and his chocolate and cookie groom cake request and raunchy bikinis for children in the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. Guess who won the most media attention?

This is amazing to me, coming from the “Goodbye Mr. Chips” generation, but it’s progress, I guess.

Apparently, in England, traditional wedding cake recipes are those awful dreaded fruit cakes that we have grown to dislike in the US, to the point that even adding whiskey or rum doesn’t cut it anymore. Here, fruit cakes have dwindled down to the $2.99 individually shrink-wrapped variety sold in Staples and Office Max stores, so computer geeks won't die of starvation. However, it is still a big deal in England.

Prince William has told Kate, his bride-to-be, that he can’t stand fruit cake and if they want to remain happily married, he wants his very own groom cake made with 17 kilos of chocolate and 1,700 McVitie “Rich Tea” cookies. Click here to read the Royal decree: Groom cake

While all this was going on, Abercrombie and Fitch was feeling rather left out of the limelight, so it introduced a line of risqué bikinis for young adults. Some of whom are only in the second grade. They were pitching the Jane Russell-type tops to young women, who are still in the development stage. Click here to read that fiasco Designer Bikini

I suppose Abercrombie’s head designer came home from work worn out one day, to find his 8-year-old daughter stuffing her T-top with rolled up socks, trying to look like Barbie; but not even thinking about what was running through Ken’s mind, when a light bulb went on and found another GE loophole. Yes, it's the same company that made headlines with a white t-shirt depicting Chinese laundry workers wearing conical hats saying "Wong Brothers Laundry Service: Two Wongs Can Make It White." I feel sorry for the guy. If he had been praying to Francis de Sales, the patron saint of writer’s block, that would never have happened.

When the smoke cleared from this week’s headlines, Abercrombie won hands down and some misguided toddler over in Liverpool was caught humping plush toys in Lewis’ Department Store. However, since the offense is not currently listed in Scotland Yard's handbook, it was ignored.

This is a bit scary, isn’t it? The Prince and Kate will be married on April 29, 2011. By September of 2019, they are destined to have a Royal heir in the second grade.

What will become of “Goodby Mr. Chips,” “Pippi Longstocking,” and “The Adventures of Taxi Dog;” while Abercrombie plays Rod Stewart's "If You Think I'm Sexy" out on the children's catwalk?

© 2010, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

An Interview with Carla Malden

Recently, I was contacted by Charlie Barrett of The Barrett Company asking if I wanted to interview Carla Malden, daughter of the late Academy Award-winning actor, Karl Malden, who has written a compelling love story and memoir, Afterimage: A Brokenhearted Memoir of a Charmed Life.

I have been submitting articles for syndication at Senior Wire and Associated Content for Yahoo and he is representing Carla, who lost her husband to cancer four years ago. Okay, so I’m a humor writer, but this request hit home for me, as my own daughter was diagnosed with cancer when she was only 16 years old. However, thanks to the wonderful doctors at University of Pennsylvania Hospital, who also had a practice at the Police and Fireman’s clinic in Philadelphia, and three years of chemo treatments, she made a full recovery. I will be forever grateful for this miracle in my life and the beautiful grandchildren that she has since given to me and my husband.

Carla’s book and her account of losing her husband, Laurence Starkman, I’m sure, will be helpful to anyone going through similar circumstances. It is so well written, that you can’t possibly put it down or come away from it without getting a little something personal.

I was more than willing to put aside the blog for a few days and speak with Carla. She was a pleasure to interview and has a terrific daughter, Cami, who has set up a fan page on Facebook for her Mother’s book, Afterimage.

The interview is posted at Associated Content from Yahoo. You can read it by clicking on this link: Carla Malden Discusses Her Personal Tragedy in 'Afterimage'

I hope you will read the interview and buy the book when it is released in May 2011. Carla's publicist is Charlie Barrett. He can be contacted via his website www.thebarrettco.com.

Upcoming Event on BlogTalkRadio with Giovanni Gelati

As part of my virtual book tour last month with Pump Up Your Book., I was interviewed on “A Book and a Chat” by host, Barry Eva. You can still click on this link BlogTalkRadio to listen; or click on this link for a FREE MP3 Download.

On Friday night, April 1, 2011, you are cordially invited to another BlogTalkRadio interview at 7:00 PM EDST with Giovanni Gelati, who will be interviewing me on Gelati’s Scoop GZONE, click here: Gelati’s Scoop. You will enjoy Giovanni. He reads and reviews thousands of books each year and writes about them on his blog Gelati's Scoop: http://gelatisscoop.blogspot.com

Please mark your calendar and listen to the show. Thanks in advance.
Rosie

Sitting on Cold Porcelain is available at Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble online, Better World Books, and the order desk of your local book store. Electronically, you can order it for your Kindle, Nook, and other eBook readers. Autographed copies are available here at Rosie Renegade Humor Blog. You can also get the blog at the Kindle Store.

© 2011, Valenta, All rights reserved.

Uncle Harry Backs Mike Huckabee

This morning, I was lamenting over whether or not to deep six the wilted poinsettia, or try to revive it with water mixed with a crushed power bar. My house smelled of peat moss and I was looking forward to digging up my current stash, including the Amaryllis that didn’t bloom because a mouse ate half the bulb and half-a-bag of dry stuffing for Thanksgiving dinner. Its still too early to get the garden going - frustrating!.

I looked out the kitchen window at my deceased clematis and sorry looking herb garden, while mentally planning planting season. Last fall, I went to the town dock begging for fish heads from the Watermen to use for fertilizer. I had to bribe one of them with some hand sanitizer and several empty Wal-Mart bags. As a result of holding funeral services for some sea bass heads and several small sandsharks, my Rosemary now stands out from the moldy sage like a giant Christmas green Japanese Yew.

I was rudely interrupted from my strategy plan by Uncle Harry, who was still wearing flip-flops, making divots in my yard even though it was only 50 degrees outside. I mentally ripped the darn things with my garden sheers, as he hot-footed on soggy soil over to my house hoping for free food and coffee. I can’t break him out of the flip-flop habit no matter how hard I try – not even with politics, about which he is unnervingly obsessed. My mind is never on politics, his? - always.

“I already like Mike Huckabee's political strategy. He writes a book ‘A Simple Government’ and launches it by saying ‘This is my entire platform.’ Of course the 800-pound gorilla in the room is Obama's $1 billion political campaign budget; but, who would you rather have balancing our check book? While Obama goes out and kisses babies at $129.95 a pop, Mike does it on a book tour at 75% off,” he blurted out, as he almost knocked me over at the back door.

After regaining his footing, he added "Do you think Obama will skip the country entirely and become a citizen of Rio, or are they just going there so Bo the Portuguese Water Dog can get laid?"

“Not again, Harry,” I interrupted. “If I have to listen to another one of your political rants this morning, I’ll need a barf bag. By-the-way, oatmeal and farina are your only choices for breakfast. The local market only had pale blue eggs with fleurs-de-lis stampings on them that read ‘Who Dat?’ so I assumed they were either a year old already because the Saints won last year, or the rooster was questionable, so I didn’t buy any.”

“Lookie here,” he said. “I downloaded a newspaper on my Kindle and it has an interview with Huckabee. This is what I’m sayin’ the whole time. This guy knows how to budget.”

“Look a little further,” I said. “He’s also against gay marriage and anything that ain’t Baptist.”

“So, what, did you jump the fence or something?” He responded sarcastically.

“No, it’s just that a President needs to address ALL the citizens, not just half.”

“You voting for Obama?” He was shocked.

“No, I’m voting for an objective candidate and haven’t made up my mind yet. If Huckabee sees the light outside of Arkansas into a multi-cultural society of taxpayers, I might vote for him. Right now, I’m debating whether to impose capital punishment on my poinsettias, put my Rosemary on a no fish diet, and/or separate my over-sexed gladiolus bulbs before Sunday.”

© 2011, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Hey Schifoso! Charlie Sheen

"How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen Snort? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men."

If you have been following the Charlie Sheen meltdown, you have already seen these Ustream TV videos; if not, then you can see them via this link: Ustream Videos

Holy guacamole!

I’d love to buy a ticket to a shrink convention, so I could hear the candid comments by experts. As a novice, I can only assume that his family and real friends are waiting for him to bottom out, so he can get the help he needs to get back to reality. If not, they are being sadistic.

For God’s sake, somebody! Please pull the plug on his camera and audio equipment and get him off Ustream! It’s just too painful to watch. He needs to stay out of the limelight for at least a year until he gets hold of himself and unloads the leaches.

We were sitting around drinking coffee the other night discussing the situation. However, we work nine to five jobs and can’t even imagine earning $2 million in 20 years, let alone a week. This is something genius Charlie doesn’t take into consideration. The majority of his fans are middle class. We work to provide the basic necessities for our families, pay our rent and mortgages, and a car that gets good gas mileage. When we want to be entertained, we watch something ridiculous, like Two and a Half Men. I say “ridiculous” because very few people perceive it as real life. For that, you would have only one fan – Hugh Heffner and he worked his ass off publishing Playboy; not a book of dark poetry - that was Poe. The economy is getting so bad; Poe’s biggest fan even stopped leaving a half-bottle of tequila at his grave site in Baltimore, on his birthday.

If someone offered us an acting job like Two and a Half Men for $2 million an episode, I don’t think any of us would refer to the producer as “Whatshiscock” on an international public forum and expect not to get fired. After taking a poll, at least one fan would wear a silly shirt; memorize the script; and shammy the boss’ Ferrari. So, Charlie should shut up already!

Charlie, this is coming from fans, who buy the products that support your habit:
Today is International Woman’s Day. The days of exploiting Goddesses and beating one’s wife are truly over. It’s passé, gone with the wind, a Bela Lugosi “I want to suck your blood” shtick; and he got so wrapped up in his role that he was buried in a Dracula cape.

Your enemies are enjoying the meltdown. Here is how to get even - sensibly: Don’t give them the satisfaction of falling apart in public. Get off the stage and do it in private. This way, they won’t have the satisfaction of knowing they got to you, “winning” right? Then, sign into rehab and get better. After that, Show’em! Sign up with another network sober and drug free, and star in a bigger sitcom than "Two and a Half Men," as Carlos Estevez. If you do that, all of your fans will be in your corner, your old boss will be crying in his Glenfiddich Rare Collection 1937 Scotch, and the weirdoes will leave the building. Plan better!

I have to go now, the price of gas just went up ten cents a gallon, my tuna casserole is burning, and I’m at Mickey D’s using their free Wi-Fi connection drinking a $1.59 container of coffee, which is stretching my budget, since I can buy the same stuff for $8.99 a pound at Sam’s Club. If I had $2 million I'd steal the Fruitcake Lady's old job (may she rest in peace) and my kids would be going to Harvard.

© 2010, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Philadelphia Flower Show 2011 ‘Springtime in Paris’

It was a crowded opening day at the Philadelphia Flower Show yesterday. “Bonjour, Bonjour” the greeters said happily as we entered the newly expanded Pennsylvania Convention Center. The theme this year is “Springtime in Paris.” Everyone was in a jovial mood. No birds were flipped when people bumped into each other. It was “excuse me” and “behind you,” or “sorry.”



You have to give credit where credit is due. Thanks to Philadelphia’s Finest, we got there and back – safely! The Philadelphia Police Department has become a team of efficiency experts. I guess they have learned since the Phillies won the World Series. Notice how clean the streets are and no grease on the utility poles. Of course the Poppy Growers of America were not exhibiting this year and that helped:





I have an album on Facebook with more images. If you want to see them, send me a friend request. We had a fantastic time. We bought fresh cut flowers and wine. No DUIs guys, we took the train.




Are you ready for Mardi Gras? Whoo-hoo!
Rosie

© 2010, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Humor: The Mighty Mojo

As long as I can remember, I have enjoyed reading and writing humor. I think everyone enjoys a good laugh and deservedly so. Almost on a daily basis, we face all sorts of events that nibble away at our initial good mood. You wake up in the morning feeling pretty, maybe sing in the shower, remember something funny the kids did to make you smile last night - then it starts: rush hour traffic, road rage, unpleasant news reports, crowded coffee shops, and your daily routine on the job. If that isn’t enough, the company café has a lousy selection for lunch; so, you resort to eating a mundane salad; you find that you are overdrawn in your checking account by $30.00; and at 5:00 PM, it’s rush hour again. When you get home, the evening news is filled with doom and gloom and the kids need to be motivated to complete homework assignments.

What's dominating the news?

The kids tell you that BrainyQuote's database has crashed because Charlie Sheen has been posting messages on Twitter that say things like "@charliesheen Don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes, snorted a mile of my coke, drank a vial of my #Tigerblood."

You Google "news" to get away from the TV and find that Mother Jones suggests that the amniotic fluid surrounding Georgia State Representative Bobby Franklin was contaminated by chemically sprayed peaches while he was still in the womb, causing the fetus to develop into a thing of misogyny.

The latest gossip at Wiki is the fact that Joe Biden does not currently have any Delaware schools named after him, though there is an erosion control method in Delaware's Cape Henlopen State Park bearing his name.

The icing on the cake?

According to Glenn Beck, God is now allowing dead soldiers to haunt Westboro Pastor Fred Phelps at 1,000 feet over his head, with "God Hates You, Phelps" aerial banners.

You, my friend, need a good chuckle. Why? The weekend looms ahead and you already know what to expect. The kids are home from school and a fist fight will break out, your DIY project is waiting, and Murphy’s Law is always alive and well at your house - breeding offspring. Sometimes I believe the more free time we have on our hands, the harder Murphy’s reproductive system works. You have to turn the tables, or else!

In my case, I wait until the crisis is over and write satire about it here on Rosie’s Renegade Humor Blog. You can also read humor books and blogs that address the conflicts you face, but with a funny twist. If you do that often enough, you will actually lighten up and see that humor really is the mighty mojo.

While my humor book, Sitting on Cold Porcelain, is designed to address myriad topics with a funny twist to entertain you, humor blogs have been underrated. There are hundreds of them that you can sneak read with your iPad or Kindle at work. Trust me, it will lighten your load.

Because of my humor writing, I have met the folks, who write some of the popular humor blogs. I have made friends with them on Facebook and have linked the best ones at the bottom of this blog page under "Short Stories and Links," so you can enjoy them also.

Just to name a few, we have a school teacher from Texas, Jody Worsham, who is retired and has adopted two children in recent years. She writes a blog called The Medicare Mom. You will love her mature witty take on motherhood. Marti Lawrence, a caregiver from Missouri, is very entertaining and writes Enter the Laughter. Wanda Argersinger is a Director of the Lupus Support Network, she loves to write humor books on motivation and authors a blog called Life in the Land of Confusion. The Director of the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, Matt DeWald, writes My Five-Minute Commute. Our baby boomer dad, Jerry Zezima, is a very funny guy. He just released a book called Leave it to Boomer and his blog is also linked at the bottom of this page. If you are really feeling down, Dawn Weber’s blog Lighten Up is for you. Please check them all out. You will get more than a few chuckles.

© 2010, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

The Male Mystique

Men are easy to love and understand. They look at life simplistically and competitively. Take for instance the Tom Paxton song “My Dog's Bigger Than Your Dog,” it depicts how most American men grow up:

My dog's bigger than your dog,
My dog's bigger than yours,
My dog's bigger
And he chases mailmen,
My dog's bigger than yours,

My dog's better than your dog,
My dog's better than yours,
His name is King,
And he had puppies,
My dog's better than yours.

My dad's tougher than your dad,
My dad's tougher than yours,
My dad's tougher
And he yells louder and
My dad's tougher than yours.

My dad's louder than your dad,
My dad's louder than yours,
Momma buys a new dress,
Daddy makes noises,
My dad's louder than yours.

Our car's faster than your car,
Our car's faster than yours,
It has a louder horn,
It bumps other cars,
Our car's faster than yours.

Our car's older than your car,
Our car's older than yours,
It stops running and Daddy kicks the fenders,
Our car's older than yours.

My Mom's older than your Mom,
My Mom's older than yours,
She takes smelly baths
She hides the gray hairs
My Mom's older than yours.

My Mom's funnier than your Mom,
My Mom's funnier than yours,
Her hair is pretty and
It changes colors,
My Mom's funnier than yours.

The problem starts after they grow up, become successful, and have a family. Then, they get to have the sexiest babies. If I didn’t know better I’d swear that during their formative years, these little boys stood in the Toys R Us doll section after school, in the springtime, with thoughts that lightly turned to procreation, makeup, and Princess Rosella. In the back of their minds – competition!

If you are the type of woman, who still shops for your daughter in the Easy Bake Oven section of Toys R Us, you must understand that the way to a man’s heart is no longer through his stomach. She absolutely has to marry a man, who can cook or afford to eat out. If you put your husband in charge of the sewing machine, a movie camera, and your kid, this is what to expect:


Video ©2011 Jimmy Kimmel Live! and staged for this interview with Tom Hanks.